Grief experience

[Lana]

Last week, I have experienced a loss. My initial reaction was, what I figured, quite normal. I felt devastated, choked up, crying which at times was more like sobbing, no desire to be around anyone or talk to anyone, in short, just deep painful grief. However, this lasted about 20 minutes because it happened during work hours which meant that I had to return to the office and hide my emotional state. Well, I did just that. I went back to the office and within half an hour, felt somewhat normal?but different?empty.

I went home that day and talked to my husband about it, we both cried. But I found that I clammed up really fast. As in, I just stopped crying over it and I didn?t feel the sting of the loss nearly as much as I did earlier that day. It felt more like I was telling a story about it rather then experiencing it. The entire process that brought this on still has to take its course, but I?m just finding a strange kind of numbness. I feel no pain?I feel empty, if that makes any sense. My whole being is moving along like nothing happened, but my head, my conscience is off?neither match my behavior. Every time I think about the loss, it?s like I hit a brick wall.

Yesterday, I almost cracked and that?s when I realized that I was afraid. Last time I was this upset, I felt like I was going to loose my mind. Eventually, I had a complete breakdown and I couldn?t console myself?that?s when I was suicidal. I think that?s what I?m afraid of now?ending up in the same state.

I have therapy session scheduled for next week with my doctor, but I dread it. I find that sometimes, she tends to minimize my concerns. This particular loss is not a small deal and I dread hearing the ?oh well, no need to be upset?just accept that you lost and that what you want may not happen for you?. Or even worse, I'll fall apart. Actually, just the thought of that makes my skin crawl?.but no heartbreak or grief, just this eerie emptiness. Is that normal?? Or should I be concerned?

 

[ladylore]

It felt more like I was telling a story about it rather then experiencing it. The entire process that brought this on still has to take its course, but I?m just finding a strange kind of numbness.

My whole being is moving along like nothing happened, but my head, my conscience is off?neither match my behavior. Every time I think about the loss, it?s like I hit a brick wall.

We all deal with grief differently Lana. And feeling numb maybe the fall back position to protect yourself. I remember the numb feeling well. I am glad you talked to your husband about it.

Yesterday, I almost cracked and that?s when I realized that I was afraid. Last time I was this upset, I felt like I was going to loose my mind. Eventually, I had a complete breakdown and I couldn?t console myself?that?s when I was suicidal. I think that?s what I?m afraid of now?ending up in the same state.

I have the same fear. That if it happens again I won't be able to handle it. But you are stronger now, with probably more resources to use and more support. How is your support system these days?

All I can say is that what you are going through is real and tough - and you can get through this because you are not alone. Take the time you need to feel and go through whatever you need too - however you need to, as long as it's safe.

I am glad you have a counselling appointment. Has your doctor trivalized your feelings before? Or is this something your waiting to hear?

Take gentle care of yourself

:hug:

 

[Halo]

First of all Lana, I sorry to hear that you are struggling and grieving at this time. I know how difficult it is and my heart truly goes out to you :heart:

Yesterday, I almost cracked and that?s when I realized that I was afraid. Last time I was this upset, I felt like I was going to loose my mind. Eventually, I had a complete breakdown and I couldn?t console myself?that?s when I was suicidal. I think that?s what I?m afraid of now?ending up in the same state.

I think what you wrote here has a lot of significance because if you are afraid of that complete breakdown then you probably have your guard up tighter than normal so as to protect yourself which is perfectly natural I would think. But Ladylore makes a good statement in that you are much stronger now than you were before and you do have lots of support to help you including your husband, your therapist and us here at Psychlinks. You have been through difficult times before and I am confident that you will be able to get through this as well.

With respect to your therapy appointment coming up I am glad that you have on scheduled and can hopefully talk about what you are going through. I too wonder though whether your therapist has been known to minimize your concerns in the past? If she tried to do that this time, do you think that you would be able to stand up to her and say that you need to talk about this and not let her minimize it? I know that could be scary but your therapy session should be about what YOU want to talk about.

Anyway, do take the time to try and feel whatever you need to and remember that we are always here for you for support.

Take care
:hug: :hug:

 

[Lana]

Thank you ladies for your kind words.

I understand what you're saying about me being stronger and being able to handle it. Unfortunately, that is not the case now, not at all. In fact, given the situation and the circumstances, my strength is waning. And that's what scares me.

I think my doctor has good intentions. I have no problem standing up to her and have done so in the past. I think that she may not minimize the issue because our last session, she realized that this is a recurring thing and I think she understands that it's not just me being paranoid or blowing things out of proportion.

I don't know, I just don't really want to go into it. Maybe I'm just trying to justify that unwillingness with other stuff...being my usual avoidant self.

P.S. About support system: I don't have a family and out of my close friends, one lives in Europe, the other on the opposite side of Canada, and third in the US. My husband's family doesn't know and won't know. I have no intention of telling them. Last thing I need is to deal with hysterical in-laws.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It's also sometimes a matter of trying to hold back grieving almost intentionally because you feel you have too many responsibilities or people depending on you to allow yourself to go into the grief. I had that experience when my mother died - but I found when I was truly ready to grieve (7-8 years later) it all came pouring out like it had just happened.

Not long ago, with a friend who has difficulty understanding issues like depression or grief or anxiety, I started the conversation by saying something like, "I'm having a really tough time right now and I don't want a hard time from you about it or to hear platitudes like 'go outside in the sun and you'll feel better'." Perhaps focusing on how you feel rather than what happened when you see your doctor will help him/her to focus on what's important, instead of trying to minimize or implant optimisim.

 

[Into The Light]

i can relate a bit to your worry of falling apart again, that you're afraid that might happen again so now you've kind of clammed up on your emotions. it makes sense, we don't want to go back to that awful place from before.

i've had that happen too where i would be very upset or hurting over something but then had to push it aside to put on a good face for work. once i did that i lost my connection to those feelings, just like you seem to have now.

i don't have any real advice on this as i never really knew what to do myself when this happened. i am somewhat concerned though that maybe by disconnecting from those feelings they may come out in a different form, like depression - do you think this might be a possibility for you in this case?

 

[Lana]

Thanks, David and ITL.

I think my doctor was trying to help me find some kind of justification for why things happened the way they did. When I mentioned to her, about 4 weeks ago, that I was worried something was wrong, she tried to calm me down saying I should be patient and added another comment along the lines of "things happen for a reason". I asked her, "4 times in a row?" That gave her pause....so, I'm thinking she'll be more sensitive this time.

ITL, it's quite possible that this may come out "sideways" at some point in time. I've already noticed that I've "developed" a shorter fuse, I get impatient with some people I work with, and it takes more effort to keep myself in check. My biggest issue was that I realy didn't want to tell my manager why I may suddenly become unavailable. But circumnstances dicated otherwise and now I feel resentful...exposed....and annoyed.

When I think about it, my reaction seems so stupid....but that just annoys me more. Silly, eh? If history is any indication, this will catch up with me at its own good time (like with David). But ultimately, and perhaps this is the most "normal" feeling I have, is that I wish this never happened....or happened with desireable outcome. And it's that feeling that makes me think that perhaps I still haven't accepted the current situation which is the crux of the issue.

 

[Into The Light]

yes, the shorter fuse definitely sounds familiar to me. we push away our real feelings and instead they come out differently, but not in a way that helps resolve them.

which reaction do you think seems so stupid?

 

[ladylore]

When you talk about feeling irritated, annoyed...I know that my own fall back position for fear is anger. The anger puts me back in full control of uncontrolable feelings and events.

What ever you are feeling right now is ok. If need, would you be able to take a couple days off so that you don't have to where that public mask? I understand how that works and I am fortunate I don't have to do that right now.

:hug::hug:

Your in my thoughts.

 

[Halo]

I also can relate about having to put on that smile while at work. It has to be one of the hardest things to do at times. Especially when all you want to do is be able to cry, scream, vent or whatever and instead a mask goes on to pretend that everything is okay and the feelings get stuffed and often don't resurface until much later. I know all about the mask as this unfortunately is something that I have mastered a little too well.

Ladylore has a point about possibly taking a few days off so you can truly feel whatever you need to but without the need to put on a mask and pretend. It may be something to think about as it may help.

Be gentle with yourself and take care.
:hug: :hug:

 

[Lana]

ITL, the reaction I was talking about was having to tell my manager. It bugs the crap out of me that I had to tell, that he knows. Even here I am not being specific....so you can imagine how invaded and exposed I feel having to tell him. I hate it! Rationally, I know it's not his fault, but when he's around or comes over to ask me questions, it grates my nerves. It's the weirdest thing...and I really can't explain it. Maybe it's just transference.

LL, I initially thought of taking the rest of the day off but changed my mind for the same reasons that I started this thread: I didn't want to be alone because I didn't want to fall apart. I actually thought it would be better if I hung around people. I figured it would keep me together. And it has. I may get a few days off in a while.....all depends how things go from now.

Halo, you know what the other odd thing is? I'm not sure which is a mask and which is the real me at this point. It's easier to keep going as if nothing happened. I can't even imagine a different way. Does that make me into a coward?

 

[Halo]

Halo, you know what the other odd thing is? I'm not sure which is a mask and which is the real me at this point. It's easier to keep going as if nothing happened. I can't even imagine a different way. Does that make me into a coward?

You are definitely not a coward, Lana. You are a strong, courageous woman who is suffering a loss and I think that it is understandable that you may not know which is the mask and what is the real you. I definitely have times when I don't know which is the real me either and it is at those times that my mask acts more as a protective measure so I don't become overwhelmed with having to think and feel too much.

Please take the time you need to grieve whatever you need to and in time your true feelings will come out.

You will be in my thoughts :heart:
:hug: :hug:

 

[Into The Light]

lana, your reaction isn't stupid at all. some things are just highly personal and i would have difficulty too having to reveal something like that to my boss. it would make me feel awkward and angry. it's not nice knowing someone knows something about you that you didn't want them to.

i also wanted to say that i am sorry for your loss. i hope you can manage to find a way to work out your feelings that you are ok with.