Guilt and sadness upon leaving family...

[BluMac81]

I'm coming up on my last day staying at my mom's place, and I'm starting to feel that usual guilt and sadness when I leave my family for home... I don't know where it comes from, but I remember this happening for years.

When I lived in Las Vegas, I would come by to visit my mom who lived 4 hours away in CA, we'd have a nice visit, and usually the first few hours of driving home I would feel this sadness and guilt...to the point of tears... guilt about things I should have done/said/etc. during the visit but didn't, sadness about leaving the loving comfort of my family and returning to the harsh life of independent living. It happened again when my mom visited my sister and I in Colorado... we spent a wonderful time together mostly at my sister's place, and then even hours before I was to return to Denver and my mom (and step dad) were to return home, I would feel the same guilt and sorrow creeping up on me. I would think about returning to my lonely one bedroom apartment, away from anyone who cares about me, and I remember putting on my sunglasses to hide my tears during our final walk before they (and I) were to part ways. I then cried half of the way home, but again soon on the way home it went away... mostly because I got some nicotine in my system and put on my favorite talk station, distracted from the dark thoughts and returned to baseline normalcy.

It greatly intrigues me as to why this happens every time. It goes beyond I think just 'missing them'...but might be closer to a 'longing for feeling loved'. And I do feel loved when I'm around my mother, step-father, and sisters.

But there is hope for me now... I drive home, not to an empty apartment, but to a house with 2 roommates (who are strangers though), and in the same city as my older sister, as well as an ex-girlfriend (now good friend) who do love and care about me.

I wonder if this feeling is normal, or an overreaction (stemming from my oversensitive nature).

 

[ladylore]

Its a normal reaction. Its hard to say goodbye or even see you later to the ones we love. I would call what your feeling homesick. It's ok to feel the way your feeling.

 

[BluMac81]

Thanks Ladylore...
I don't know why I have to ask 'Is it okay to feel this way' all the time...technically it's always okay to feel the way you are feeling, but not always okay to think the way you are thinking (since irrational thoughts lead to irrational feelings).

*sigh* It has also been hard on me and my family since my little sister, as of July 7th, joined a coistered convent. We can see her once a month behind a bunch of bars. But the days of spending holidays together are over. I'll miss her, I already do.

 

[boi]

Hey BluMac,
I feel the same way when I leave my family. I know exactly what you are saying. I hold back my tears and keep them there. I also felt like that when I had family visit me. When they left I was a secret wreck. I guess its homesick like ladylore said.

 

[Daniel E.]

When my parents would visit me when I was severely depressed and living on my own in a different town, I would usually feel more lonely after they left than before they arrived.

 

[BluMac81]

Wow Daniel, boi, and ladylore... I wasnt expecting others to feel the same way in that situation, thought it was just me.

You know that's the thing, like when boi said he was a

secret wreck

, often times people seem to be experiencing feelings of depression and anxiety but we can't see it visually in them, and are led to believe that we are a 'freak of nature' and that those feelings are a sign of mental illness. I guess it goes on to the stigma that in western society (especially with males), showing signs of depression and anxiety are looked on (or perceived as being looked on) as a 'weak or pathetic person'....or 'incapable with dealing with life'.

But we have to remember, there is a positive side to those with a sensitive nature too, they are the ones creating great works of art in music, art, theater...they are the ones empassioned to make scientific discoveries...they are the ones, in the end, who make the best possible friend and/or lover you will ever know...

 

[ladylore]

But we have to remember, there is a positive side to those with a sensitive nature too, they are the ones creating great works of art in music, art, theater...they are the ones empassioned to make scientific discoveries...they are the ones, in the end, who make the best possible friend and/or lover you will ever know...

From one sensitive person to another :goodpost: :agree:

And regards to the depression and no one noticing - I can tell you this. I am the youngest in my family and basically in charge of makeing sure everyone was ok. To do that I always always smiled. No one knew the extent of my pain until well into my teens.

And because some of us have been through the wringer in life I feel that we become resilient and carry ourselves well. We look to the public eye that we are strong and can handle anything (coping mechanism). So even though I felt as if I was dying inside, very few people around me knew how bad I actually felt.

Thanks for your post Blu.

 

[Halo]

And because some of us have been through the wringer in life I feel that we become resilient and carry ourselves well. We look to the public eye that we are strong and can handle anything (coping mechanism). So even though I felt as if I was dying inside, very few people around me knew how bad I actually felt.

:agree: Same here

 

[boi]

me too Halo and Ladylore,

I was always perceived as nothing is ever wrong with me, put on that happy face meanwhile I became a heroin addict at 18.