Gym or no gym

[ladylore]

i know your right a greater part of me believes what you are saying but the other part of me feels that i can resist the need to restrict even more or to exercise even more. can't I ? is it that hard, and what exacly is over exercising.. what is too much when will i be able to start again without it being too muchhow will i know how much is too much...

Hey Ashley-Kate,
Don't know if you know this about me, but I am in recovery from drugs and alcohol. I put eating disorders in the same light. It would be dangerous for me to have only 1 drink, one toke.

If you have been advised to stay away from exercise then I would listen to that. One is too many, 100 never enough.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

thank you robyn, your insight is very helpfull! and it helps me understand why everyone else is telling me to fallow the dr. recommendations . thank you !

 

[ladylore]

Your most welcome. This doesn't mean you can't do something enjoyable during that time. Reading a good book, other hobbies you might have. Keep it fun and just for you.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Well today i am going swimming but not to exercise or anything i am going on a nouting with my 2 year old neice to the pool with my sister in law as well so i am guessing that that is okay, not trainning or anything just sitting around in a pool..

 

[ladylore]

Have fun with your niece.

 

[Halo]

Have fun at the pool and with a 2 year old....I am sure that it will be an adventure :lol:

Take care

 

[Ashley-Kate]

i had a blast thank you all! i guess when i look at my neice all i can thin kof is one day having a little girl just like her and seeing how happy she makes me how could i even consider putting my health at risk.

 

[Halo]

I am so glad that yoy had a blast :yahoo:

 

[Ashley-Kate]

ok wel i had an appointment today with my shrink and he accused me of compromising my treatment program by not fallowing the rules perfectly, he even questionned my motivation.. like really is that supposed to encourage me to seek help if all they are going to do is yell at me cause i am not sitting al the time ! do they really expect it to be that easy!

 

[Halo]

It is unfortunately Ash that your doctor didn't see your going to the pool in the same light as we did. While it may have been compromising your treatment and technically he is right, at least you got to have a little fun

I guess he means serious business when talking about helping you and I know that it is not easy to just sit around (trust me...I have been laid up for about 5 months now) but it is what our bodies need to recover.

Take care
:hug: :hug:

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Ok well i was a bit very upset yesterday from my appointment so i decided to write a letter to the psychologist that i am seeing who made the big deal yesterday of my going swimming, i wrote to him telling him that i do want to get better but on my own terms not oin his expectations but on what i am ready to sacrafice and let go of in my disorder i am currently not too sick and therefore i have a certain amount of room to do things that i want to do without it compromising my health too seriously, my weight is good and my heart rater is getting back to normal i am not overdooing it i just need to be able to do something after eating because the guilt is unberable.. i guess i will know what he thinks abotu my letter next week when i see him again.

 

[Halo]

Ash,

I think that it is great that you were able to express yourself to your psychologist and let him know how you are really feeling. On the other hand, I can see his point that he doesn't want you to do any exercise after you eat to burn those calories especially since you have admitted that you are not eating the correct amount of calories per day however you are working on it. I just think that he truly cares and wants what is best for you and for your recovery.

But again, I am happy that you wrote him the letter and let us know how your next session goes.

Take care
:hug: :hug:

 

[Jazzey]

it i just need to be able to do something after eating because the guilt is unberable..

This is precisely why he was upset with you Ash. That kind of thinking is what jeopardizes your health when you put that thinking into action.

I know you don't want to hear this - but I'm going to say it anyway because, having been through it, it would be irresponsible of me to stay silent on the issue: your psychologist and your doctor(s) have to be at the helm of your recovery right now. Not you. Your thinking patters are still dipping into the old anorexic thinking patterns. While it stinks that you can't have a little more control, the reality of the situation is that you need to trust them and actually listen to them when they tell you not to engage in certain activities...like calorie reducing activities because you feel guilty about eating...

You've come so far, you're doing well. Why jeopardize that recovery by not wanting to listen to them?

 

[Ashley-Kate]

I know what you mean i know that i have to give up control but i don't want to i want to get better but i can't do it with people telling me how and what to do or not to do all the time.i understand that i may not be thinking clearly buti trully believe that i will always think that way that when i eat "ok" i will feel the great need to move around and do some kind of physical activity because not moving will make me feel terrible,. and right now i am in the moment of the starting eating again that you are more suseptible to gain some weight back and that is stilll one of my biggest fears so i am eating .... and doing exercise to just balance the hole thing.. why is it that wheneever i do exercise or eat less or more or whatever everything is all of the sudden about my eating disorder. i know i have one but can i just be like a normal girl that watches what she eats and tries to not gain weight.
i'm so confused..

 

[Jazzey]

I'm sorry Ash. I know it's confusing. I'm 38 years old - and I still find it confusing on some days. Remember when Ladylore told you that anorexia is like substance abuse. The problem with anorexia is all of the very stuff you describe in your last post - the feeling guilty about eating, the worry about gaining weight and wanting to burn off calories through exercise - that's all the anorexia talking. It isn't you anymore.

And I promise. You will be just like other young women - soon - where food won't have such a control over you. But I also won't lie to you - you will always have to remember that you've been anorexic. Again, as Ladylore said - because it's easy to fall back into those patterns sometimes. I think I told you the other day, I still slip through some of those patterns sometimes. And I always have to remember "oh yeah, I really can't do this. Because even though it seems like I can do it today, that today turns into today and tomorrow etc." Do you understand what I mean?

Soon, you will be just like other young women. When you've conquered some of those thinking patterns. For the time being, can you just accept that you've made tremendous progress and you're getting better every day? Can you just accept that, just for now, you have to listen to your doctors? I promise that it won't be forever. Just for right now Ash....

 

[Halo]

:goodpost: :agree:

Good job Jazzey :2thumbs:

 

[Ashley-Kate]

when i go against these thoughts i don't feel right when i tell myself okay after i eat lunch i am going to go sit and read a book or go watch tv or something it doesn't fit it doesn't work. I feel so hipperactive i have so much energie that it feels so wrong to sit down and not do anything. I understand the dangers in my disorder i know i have been in it for over 10 years now i know how relapse happens i have been in that as well, i know what i am doing right now is synonym to relapse with the thinking patterns i am in ad the negociating i am doing with food vs exercise vs time sitting down, but the diffirence with this "relapse" is that i feel that what i am doing right now with calculating and everything is a somewhat more healthier way of living then what i used to live like. I am scared to death to come out of the disorder completly and the thing is, the diffirence with an alcoholic or an addict and an eating disorder isis that the addict has to stop completly using the anorexic may never stop completly and it is not that bad for their health. i know it sounds stupid said like that but i am comfortable were i am now with balancing my activities according t omy food intake. is that so wrong,.

 

[Jazzey]

Ash, many addicts and alcoholics, once in a recovery for a while, believe that they can now behave as non-alcoholics or non-addicts. They think that they can just have that one drink or substance of their choice. Often times, only to discover that they're back doing what they put so much work into stopping - the activity itself.

When I read your post, I see the same type of rationale. While I would encourage you to develop a good healthy eating plan (all the food groups etc.) I also encourage you to eat the daily calories that are required. I also encourage physical activity, once you've maintained a healthy weight for a while.

This is where I don't see any room for anorexia in your life. There is a difference between eating a healthy-balanced meal plan and restricting your intake to lose weight or increasing your activity level to burn off what you've eaten.

So to your question - yes, there is something wrong with thinking that it's ok to keep anorexia in your life, and to balance your activity level according to your food intake. That's your anorexia still managing you instead of the other way around.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

thank you all for your replies sorry i am being so complicated i guess right now i am finding the hole transition to a healthier lifestyle extremly difficult and i don't really understand why people are making it seem like it is very easy to fall back ok i know it is easy but i don't think i can fall back into it if i just keep an eye on my weight i know that if i gain to much back i will feel worst and will want to go back to my old habits that is why i am trying to control that just as i am not really trying to restrict but trying not to bingei don't know if that makes any sence to anyone but my fear is of binging so i try to eat as little as possible to be sure that it is not too much..

 

[Jazzey]

You're not being complicated Ash. And thanks for explaining what you're thinking. I just wanted to make sure that you weren't overdoing it in restricting your intake. I understand your fear of going back to the old habits.

The transition to a normal lifestyle is difficult. But you're doing a great job just in thinking about the issues. And you know you can always lean on us when you need to bounce some ideas or just need a bit of support. :support: