Happy Narcissistic Christmas

[Harebells]

I haven't seen my family in a couple of years and I feel guilty about this and like I should keep some kind of connection so I decided to visit them over the Christmas period. Now I am just dreading it so much...

I don't know if my mother has NPD but when I read about Narcissistic mothers I recognise nearly every behaviour word for word and also the effect it has on me. I also find my father to be game-playing and he is very aggressive with a temper that goes from 0 to a 100 in a second over arbitrary things. Everything was so hidden and secretive in the family and done in such a subtle way that I find it very hard to articulate what it was like to anyone in my life and I've never really felt heard or understood in this regard, even by therapists. I do wonder have I always been imagining things - even when I speak or think of things that I know to be factually true I feel like I'm lying. I feel like I must be lying right now! I wonder if I'm actually the one who is a narcissist.

I have been pretty well lately, even coping well with sad and stressful situations, but now I'm in bits. I haven't self-harmed in ages but now I feel on the brink of it just to let out the anger, sadness and exasperation from my body. Sometimes I feel like I can't bear to live because as long as I do those people will be in my head.

Anyway, the short version of this, I just wondered if anyone has any tips for how I can look after myself for the days I am with my family and how I can get through it...thanks...

 

[forgetmenot]

Always have an escape plan when things get too crazy Go out for a night with a friend or on your own even to shop to get a coffee and if it all get way out of hand just say time to go home now as you are not feeling well Take care of you ok don't let their toxicity take you down.

 

[making_art]

There is also the option of not going....


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[Darkside]

I feel for you Harebells. I have a similar situation although most of my family is deceased and my mother is 94, in assisted living and doesn't really know what is going on now. But I have an older sister who I have very little contact with (because she is an abuser) and I feel guilty about it - like I should be sharing the holidays with her. I also struggle a lot with whether I imagined my childhood and whether it was really that bad or whether I was just a bad kid. On good days I recognize that what I lived through was not healthy emotionally and most of it was not my fault.

I can't really add anything other than what has been said. Have an escape plan if things get too hard ... a built-in excuse to leave. It sounds like you are aware of your own discomfort which is a good thing. Use that as a measuring stick. And, of course, if you begin to feel really uncomfortable and apprehensive then just don't go at all.

 

[Harebells]

Thanks so much Darkside (and to forgetmenot and making_art too.) I really appreciate you sharing your experiences with me. It helps to hear of people having experienced something similar and having some of the same reactions,so I don't feel like I'm just making stuff up. It also helps so much to feel understood. I'm not in such a panic reaction now about the whole thing anyway. But I'm looking forward to it being over and to being back in my own home (so much for mindfulness and being in the present)

Sorry you had all that stuff with your family. I hope you'll have a nice Christmas, if you celebrate it, or anything you celebrate this time of year, and that you'll be spending it with the people you want to.

May we all be free of unwarranted guilt one of these days!

 

[MHealthJo]

Thinking of you Harebells. It really must be so confusing for those like you who have grown up in these terribly strange situations, especially when some things were done so subtly and confusingly.

Hope you will get through this time of year in the best way you can and enjoy some other parts of it, and so happy to hear you had been having a time previously of enjoying some calmness and coping well. Hope soon things will settle back that way again for you.

 

[Harebells]

Thanks MHealthJo, that's really sweet of you. Yes I'm taking it as a good sign in a way that I don't want to be away from my every day life - it must mean things are ok in general! I hope all is well with you