Happy Narcissistic Mother's Day

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Quiet. I like it that way! Peaceful!

Rarely rarely feel guilt, but once in a while... Just remind myself why I did this. Protection, safety, sanity. She won't change. You can't keep going to the snake if she keeps biting you in the neck.

Once in a while she tries to send an unaddressed letter, lately I have been sending them back. I even returned a "Christmas Card" unopened. She already opened it anyway, and taped it shut again. So that told me she wanted me to be aware that there was something inserted or removed from it... So when I kind of looked at the contents from the outside I could see it there was a cheque in there... It seemed to be partially covered up. Like she didn't want me to see all of it, just the word "thousand." I didn't open it, and my dad sent my brother an email stating what their new box number was, and (accidentally?) included me in the email (in which he wrote the message to my brother but didn't acknowledge me for some reason lol)... So I inserted the sealed envelope of theirs back into my own envelope with a Christmas card that said, "Thanks but we don't need the money, hope you had a good Christmas." And then I sealed it and returned it with the return address.

So if she ever was so certain that I was upset about not getting this money she "owes" me, or if she ever thought she could manipulate me again with a huge gift, I made certain she knows she was wrong on both counts. lol

Just waiting for the next email. Or maybe she'll harass my dad's 92 year old mom again, or my dad's sisters (the brothers all hate her, and most of his sisters, but one or two of them feel sorry for her and try to show her kindness)... My mom tried to punish my aunt (for something my own mom did in the past, not my aunt) by leaving nasty voicemail messages on her work phone.

 

[heatherly]

good for you for sticking to your guns. it is interesting how they manipulate instead of dealing with a person in an honest manner which would in turn make things better.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Thanks Heatherly, for the compliment/validation! Yeah, it used to make me think my mom had memory issues, but I think it's genuine guile, now. Either that, or if she forgot something that hurt me so badly, wow, it mustn't have stuck in her mind as an important memory. But it sure stuck in MY mind... Then you realize how important you are to her if she can't remember throwing coins at you when your girl friend from out of town is visiting you, and can't remember saying that she thought it might be my fault if her nephew molested me, etc... Well, I can't be that important to her if she can't remember those things, it was just another day for her, no need to clutter up the mind remembering stuff that isn't important. Gotta keep room for all the lies and deceit. Can't mix up lies, or she could get caught, after all. Have to think of what you're gonna say while your daughter is talking to you before she's even done talking, so you can't actually listen to what she is actually saying. It's so important to be 100% correct and right and blameless all the time, of course! lol

 

[heatherly]

Memory loss. ha. I used to think that my mom didn't know that she was being mean to us, and then one day she said, "I know I am mean, but it is because of your father." (I was eight when she left him, and this was just before she died.) The next day she said, "I know I am mean but it is due to Melaril." I didn't even mention that she was mean. But at those moments I saw how she knew it and made excuses for it. You mom wants to bribe you to forgive her but doesn't want to admit it is her problem, that she did wrong.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Yeah, I am thinking just for another example to people, I could just write her entire letter that she sent me (sans return address)... I took it to the therapist session and didn't even get a chance to read the whole thing. I noticed as I was reading it I was getting very tight in my neck and shoulders and I had to concentrate on relaxation breathing a few times. lol So after all this peace and quiet, just reading a letter from her made my body tense up completely! lol I'm annoyed that she still has that sort of hold on me. But I haven't looked at the letter since my last therapy session, and I'm kind of numb to it now. So I should be okay writing it in this forum... If you thought that first one she sent was bad (that was an email she sent me before I blocked my parents email), you should get a load of this huge letter. It's almost laughable! 8P

I was kind of thinking about it anyway, but I couldn't be bothered. Now I have a little more of my old self back. I could then also post it on my blog. hee hee

Another example of her spouting off and making herself look worse instead of better. Good ol mumsie...

 

[heatherly]

where is your blog, or do you mind sharing it?

8 pages? i used to get depressed over my mom's letters, ever since i left home at 19. i can't imagine an 8 page depressing letter. They certainly (mom's of this sort) lack communication skills and have no plans on developing them.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Yep, my blog is at the bottom of each message I type... In my signature... Can you see the link to the right of my picture at the bottom of each posting? It says "Information and musings about NPD, PTSD, and other acronyms..." Or also known as Shadows & Reflections: The Dark Side

I don't know exactly how many pages it is. I'll dig it out after I drop off my husband at a friend of his. David can't drive because of a pinched nerve: won't let him do shoulder-checking and the meds he's on would probably not be a good thing! lol He's slotted for expedited surgery in the next 2-4 weeks... So that's why I'm dropping him off. He's been housebound for weeks, so a change of scenary should be nice. His buddy is going to drive him home... So I will have a few hours to myself....

If it doesn't take me forever, I might post it later this evening...

 

[heatherly]

Thanks. My first reaction was what a great piece of art work that shows the exact emotion. And then I learn yuo painted it. I will be reading it. My own blog is on religion and exposing certain ones. I feel like I have been through the Hellish Realms of Religion.

I don't wish to pry, but has your husband tried chiropractic?

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Ooo! You have a blog, too? May I have a link to it as well? If you want I can add you to my Links to Lurk... 8)

Thanks, I am really glad you like my painting! 8D

Oh, thank you for your suggestion, but when I brought husband to Emergency (the second time; the first three days, when he went by ambulance, were because of a combination of his diverticulosis and his pain meds for his shoulder/neck causing an intestinal bleed)... Our physician had already seen him and ordered xRays for his neck which were inconclusive. The second time to Emergency was strictly because the pain was so unbearable my husband could not get comfortable sitting, laying down, OR walking (apparently the pain meds weren't strong enough), so then a neurologist came to see him and examined him and told him not to book physio appointments or anything until the MRi was done. So we got to see the MRi results and those show his herniated disk, so it's a good thing he didn't go to see a phsyiotherapist or a chiropractor. His pinched nerve is so bad they have to remove the disk and put in a bone graft and some titanium plating...

For pain management he is on a long activation morphine twice a day, a short activation morphine as many as 4-8 times a day, and a pain blocker (on a different system than the morphine) 3 times a day called gabapentin. He can't take anymore ibuprofen because it was irritating his esophagus (when he came to the hospital about the intestinal bleed, they scoped him from both ends lol)... He was getting low on his meds recently and doctor just upped his dosage on the long activation morphine so that he won't have to take as much of the short activation morphine. He is actually on a very very low dose, even increased to 6 mg X 2 on the hydromorphone (long activation)... His pain medication is so much better now we can both sleep at night great and the poor guy doesn't writhe in pain every three - four hours.

Hence, no chiropractor or masseuse, etc...

 

[heatherly]

I see what you mean about your husband. A chiropractor wouldn't work. That is horrible about the pain he is in and hope they can get the pain down.

My own blog is here: DowntheCrookedPath

---------- Post added at 07:59 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:50 AM ----------

P.S. Your painting is like my dream, but I didn't want to change the subject here but can't find a place on your blog to post this. I had a friend here in this small town who after dumping me went around talking about it to others, and because she is a long time residence they believed her, and I continued to go to these groups where she was attending, and I learned that people I knew heard about it and distanced themselves from me. I kept going because others felt I should not allow her to drive me away. Then one night I had this dream that my husband and I were going to my own funeral. We walked into the funeral parlor and there I was lying in a coffin. Now take your photo with your long thin arms and paint it all black as if it had been chared by fire, and then where your eyes are white, paint them black, leave the hair the same. This person who was me in the coffin sat up and reached out to me. I backed up because I didn't want to touch her. And I said, "I am so sorry that I didn't take better care of you." I woke up, and then I realized that I wasn't taking care of myself by going to the groups where my ex friend had talked against me to others. So I quit them and feel better as a a result. So to me your painting was like looking at my dream again but in a different way. The eyes, being black or white, to me indicate the distruction of our very self, our soul. Getting it back is taking care of ourselves. At least that is my take on it. We all have to interrupt for ourselves.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Thanks for sharing your blog, heatherly! I'll check it out soon, definitely bookmark it...

Got this from our FB group, where the website admin responded to someone from Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and she posted it on the FB group... (I just took out the names for privacy reasons)...

Calling Her On It

There can be a temptation, when you realise about your mother's NPD, to talk to her about it. There are two possible reasons why somebody might want to do this, and any, or all, of them might apply to you.

The first is a very real and understandable need/desire to throw it in her face. "Ha!" you want to say, "It wasn't me at all, the way you said it was. It was you all along!"

Another reason might be that part of you hopes that when you explain about NPD, slowly and in words of one syllable, she'll finally get it! She'll understand what's been wrong with your relationship and will change and all will end happily.

Well ... no.

The thing about narcissists is that they believe they're perfect, they need to believe they're perfect, and they will never even consider that they are in any way less than perfect.

So they will not be able to hear you say that they have a personality disorder.

In fact, even more than that, they will feel extremely attacked, threatened and under siege if you dare suggest they're less than perfect. This makes sense - if their whole Being depends on them being perfect, then you genuinely are attacking that by suggesting otherwise.

Let me explain it this way. Your whole being, your whole existence, depends on you getting sufficient air, right? So if somebody tried to deprive you of that, then you'd (rightly) feel threatened, attacked, and under siege, wouldn't you?

And more, you'd do whatever it took to remove that threat and regain your needed air. That would become your ultimate goal, and nothing else - nothing else - would matter until you had regained your supply of air.

You wouldn't care what you had to do, what violence you had to inflict, in order to get air into you. Your very survival would be at stake and nothing else would matter.

That is an exact analogy for what a narcissist experiences when you dare to suggest she's less than perfect. I know it's hard for us to get our heads around, but for her, her supposed perfection is as essential to her survival as air is to you and me. I don't for one minute think she realises this - another characteristic of narcissists is a huge lack of introspection - but that's what's going on.

And so, if you start telling her she has NPD, she will react very badly. Even viciously.

She will not calmly consider what you say and realise the justice of it. She will not meet you half way based on this information and look for a better way for you both to interact.

No, she will feel attacked and threatened and react accordingly. This is where Narcissistic Rage comes from. She will do anything and everything necessary to make you just shut up and stop attacking her (remember the 'air' analogy?)

So, the answer is, don't tell her about your NPD discovery. (Well, do if you want! It's not my place to tell you what to do and this Guidebook is about empowering you, and me telling you what to do would be disempowering you.)

But do know that it will not do any good to tell her, and that you will be subjecting yourself to Narcissistic Rage if you do.

It is, however, important and worthwhile to speak your truth (just not to her) and we'll be talking about that in another chapter of this Guidebook.

---------- Post added at 11:16 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:49 AM ----------

Oops, hey heatherly, I forgot to mention that comments can be posted at the bottom of each post on my blog... It says "0 comments" at the bottom unless there is a post... Then it might say "1 comments" or "2 comments" etc...

What happens is, so I don't get spammers, is the comment is sent to my email where I can allow it or delete it...

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Hope you all had a Happy Other's Day... That's where you may have had to honour those who weren't your biological mom. It's where you might need, rather, to honour yourself. Let your inner child embrace you lovingly and cover you in little kisses and give you those treasured dandelions. You had to be the mother to yourself that you never had.

And Happy Mother's Day to all those women who earned the honour, who are LIKE a mother to me, who mother me... Happy Mother's Day to all those who have wonderful mothers who are still living, and those who have passed on.

Happy Mother's Day to the grown children of Narcissistic Mothers, who have had a chance to break the cycle of abuse and are NOT passing it on to their children.

Happy Mother's Day!