Hate PTSD

[Cherry]

I totally hate the way I feel about 99% of the time. I was anorexic when I was in my teens, and this developed into bulimia.

I hate being bulimic, but can't help it. I do not practice all the time but when times are stressful I do.

I drink alchohol too much. Again this started in my teens. I often hate myself for drinking too much. Sometimes I don't even remember events that have taken place.

I think that when I was in my teens I used ED for coping mechanisms. I am 46 years old and in the day EDs were not even discussed. I didn't even have a name for what I was doing. I would purge and use laxatives.

Right now I am trying to overcome the hatreds in my life. The more hatreds the more I find I am susceptible. I have seen many successful posts on this site, and hope that one day I too will be a success.

Will write later.

 

[HA]

Cherry,

Sounds like you are having a bad day. I hope you will feel better over the next few days. Are you getting treatment for your eating disorder?

Every day you feel better is a further journey down the road of recovery and is one more success.

All of us are travelling different journeys and some of us may go down some of the same roads but what is success in one person's life may not be success in another person's life. Success to me is about setting specific goals and working towards them. It is a process not an end result because as you reach one goal, then you set another. Or, you change your goals due to circumstances. So I see success, as working towards my goals, and it is an onging process.

Because each of us has their own journey, each of us will have our own goals.

Succeeding then, is something that we all do.

Cheers
HeartArt

 

[Cherry]

Hi Heartart!

Thanks for you empathetic words. I am feeling a little better now. I just get so frustrated sometimes, because sometimes you take a small step forwards and a large step behind.

I have not recieved treatment for ED. I don't even think I brought this up with the psychologist. Maybe I will. ED has been such a huge part of my life that I now consider it normal. I have really bizarre eating patterns, and many people have brought this up before. They think that I am so lucky becasuse I can eat "whatever I want" and never gain a pound". I hate it when people say this because then this reminds me of ED.

I am quite a finicky eater. I eat a Macdonalds Sausage McMuffin every work day morning. Mostly I skip lunch, but will snack when I get home. I don't eat fruits as a rule. I sometimes will eat my evening meal, but will often skip this too.

Anyways I don't like it when I feel sorry for myself, especially when a lot of my problems are self induced.

Again, thanks for the encouragement.

 

[ThatLady]

I would certainly broach the subject of ED with your psychiatrist, Cherry. Bulimia can bring on very serious medical problems. It's important that you explore viable methods to treat this problem before you start paying some very serious prices for the behavior.

Hugs, hon.

 

[Techie]

I totally hate the way I feel about 99% of the time. I was anorexic when I was in my teens, and this developed into bulimia.

...

I think that when I was in my teens I used ED for coping mechanisms.

Hi Cherry,

A few of these questions are not really directed to anybody... but I will throw them out to you and anybody who cares to comment if I may ?

Is Anorexia and Bulimia the 'opposite' to what I suffer from ? I eat to comfort myself... to get solace from the depression or anger. And sometimes I do it in spite. When I am really 'bad' I think "the fatter I get the quicker I will die!". Whatever the reason I guess I also have an eating disorder.

Cherry, why do you think you developed this coping mechanism ? Do you think it was a conscious choice ? If so... what were you hoping it would achieve ?

I hope this is not too personal ?

I guess I am so tired of how I feel and how I think and how I look that I am looking for some insight into WHY I am feeling this.

If I was asked WHY do I eat... I guess I would answer "because I HAVE to... all humans do to survive!" But why do I overeat ? Because it is easy I guess. I guess I don’t really know. Or maybe the reason is so repressed that I cant think about it ?

Why do so many people overeat when depressed. The ol' proverbial 'chocolate cake' or tub of ice cream to make us feel better ?

Could this just as easily have been turned around into anorexia and bulimia for me ? Or self-injury like some people do ?

Do you think that sometimes the events that we face or experience leave us with no choice but to 'do' certain things ?

Research shows that horses will sway their heads when stressed… or dogs will run in circles or apes will rock back and forth… is it possible that eating disorders are ‘instinctive’ in humans ? Or are we really always in control ?

For those people who read these posts... do you feel 'in control' of the things you do ? Are you just compelled to do them ?

 

[ThatLady]

Anorexia, bulimia and overeating are all eating disorders, they're just expressed differently. It's about control, as I understand it. Your intake is something over which you, and only you, have control. The old saw "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink." comes to mind. Nobody can force you to eat, and nobody can force you to stop eating (short of locking you up).

I don't suffer from any of these conditions; although, I am a very light eater. To some, it appears that I don't eat enough, but I'm not unhealthy. I'm just not a big eater. I do understand some of the feelings that go along with anorexia, however. I absolutely HATE people to harp at me to eat more, or force under my nose a plate piled high with food. It literally makes me ill. I guess, the difference is that I don't limit my intake to the point of starvation, nor do I binge and purge. I simply don't eat much, and have an intrinsic understanding of what it feels like to have people try to force food on you. That attitude from others tends to make me angry and belligerent.

My mother is a very controlling woman who is, herself, highly disciplined. My father, on the other hand, was pretty much uninvolved. A psychiatrist once asked me what part my father had played in my life. I said I felt that all I knew of him was the cover of a book, since that's the way I saw him in my mind...always reading, never reachable. The feeling I was left with, as I told the psychiatrist, was that he didn't give a damn.

Knowing those things as an adult, I can see where my need for control over, at least, some part of my life might have come. Thankfully, I didn't turn it into a full-fledged eating disorder; although, I did come close a couple of times. At 5'7", I once weighed barely 102 pounds. That's when I was hospitalized after a particularly bizarre manic episode.

You're doing something about your problems, Techie and Cherry. You've owned the problem and you're coming to terms with it and trying to deal with it the best you can. It's important to give yourselves credit for taking CONTROL of the issue. That's an important concept, I think. Since eating disorders are a matter of control, we need to realize that the decision to turn away from self-destructive behaviors and toward life-building, positive expressions of our need for control is, in its own right, taking control.

I'm proud of both of you for the efforts you make, and for sharing your feelings with us, here. It's not easy to talk about the things that hurt us, and the unhelpful things we've done to try to mitigate those hurtful things. We can't be right all the time, but we're trying. That's worth a pat on the back, darn it! )

 

[Cat Dancer]

For me there are so many reasons why I have developed disordered eating. One of them I believe is my father's attitude toward fat. He constantly made fun of my mom for being slightly overweight. He called her names and tried to bribe her to lose weight. I remember him taping money to the top of the kitchen wall, telling her that if she lost a certain amount of weight she could have it. She never did. It was like she was less of a person in his eyes because she struggled with her weight. He still makes comments, but not as much.

I was a very thin child. People made comments a lot about how thin I was, told me to eat, worried over me. I hated that. I was normal, but picky. Then later, when I went through puberty all this other really painful stuff was happening to me and food became a comfort to me, but I also liked the sharp feel of starvation. It was such a high. So I would go from one extreme to another. Overeating, starving, overexercising, purging, laxatives, cutting, burning. I was very, very thin and wanted to be thinner and thought if I could be thinner I would be happy. I still sometimes wonder that. I wish I could be happy in this body I have. I think it is hard because growing up it was my flaws that were always pointed out to me. I don't think I can see myself the way I really am.

What I want is a healthy sense of myself, not thinking that I'm horrible and fat and ugly. I just want to be ME. I want to get up in the morning and have energy and enthusiasm and peace. I don't know how to get there, but I'm trying, working on changing my thinking, trying to accept myself just the way I am now and making little changes. It's hard, very hard. I'm having to face some painful things, but mostly I keep thinking that somehow this pain has made me very soft inside, that I can just be here for people in some way. That I can care and that I can love and feel pain makes me alive and I want to live. I want to really live every single day of my life.

 

[ThatLady]

Actually, Janet, I see you as very strong inside. You've gone through a lot, and are still going through a lot, yet you persevere. You continue to struggle to improve. That shows strength.

Your interest in others, and your efforts to help them show compassion, not softness. Compassion is an asset that many do not have. You have it in abundance.

As you face the difficulties of dealing with today's problems, know that we are here. We care. We do not see you as fat, or ugly, or thin, or physically beautiful. We see you as a person with a good heart, high compassion, and the ability to reach out to others in a nurturing, positive way.

You, dear Janet, are a joy. )

 

[cm]

Hello All,

Well said ThatLady. I totally see it that way too.

Thanks to all of you for being an inspiration by sharing your stories, struggles and accomplishments.

cm

 

[Cherry]

Hey Techie

To answer your question regarding ED, When this first began I had never even heard about it. I am 47 years old. When I first broached this subject with a Dr. it was around the same time that Karen Carpenter had died from anorexia. I wasn't even aware of this.

Subsequently, this particular Dr. thought that I was emulating Karen, and said that it was just a fad that I was going through. Can you believe this! But again, I have to justify the Dr. because this was a realitvely new disorder that was just wasn't identified, and had not been given a name at the time.

Because of this disclosure to this Dr., I never again mentioned it to another Dr. I was made to feel as though I was just being silly and to get over it. Again, there were not many diagnosis at this time. This would have been the early 80's.

I will disucss this with my psychologist who I see again tomorrow.

Love, Cheryl