Hatred of self

[Cat Dancer]

I have struggled with this all of my life. I hate my body. I think I hate what's inside too, but it has manifested itself in a severe eating disorder that I've battled most of my life.

After three and a half years of therapy we have just started dealing with this. I am at a loss though because I'm not sure if I want to get over my anorexia. It gives me something to be passionate about and I am scared to lose that passion. What if there isn't anything to live for even though this is killing me?

I do hate myself so much, but can one really get over something so strong? I am scared either way I decide to go.

 

[Fiver]

Disclaimer: I don't know very much at all about eating disorders. But would it be possible for you to replace this "passion" (which seems more like an obsession that isn't healthy) with one that is positive, healthy, and can be used to build your self-image?

 

[Andy]

Cat Dancer,
I am sorry your conflicted with this right now. I'm going to try to respond to this without being all over the place with my thoughts so if I fail please bare with me.:blush:

I can definitely relate to this post. I hate myself inside out, backwards, upside down and in between (the short version of how I hate thyself let me count the ways). I am sure you know, that you will never completely get over this. It will always be a struggle but it's totally up to you whether you want it to be a major struggle or a slight one. (Check out those "always"and "nevers" sheeesh)

Most days I think that if I didn't have my ED giving me a purpose then I may as well just lay down and die which is rather silly because ED's are a slow death or as I like to think "my slow suicide". With that being said I would obviously never encourage someone to go with or stay on this path. I would suggest finding something that you are just as passionate about or at least somewhat passionate about but I do know it's not that easy so I won't suggest that as an alternative but maybe just as part of your therapy.

. What if there isn't anything to live for even though this is killing me?

I do hate myself so much, but can one really get over something so strong? I am scared either way I decide to go.

I think both of these questions are just the disease talking. There was life before your ED and there will always be life after it. There won't be much of a life if you decide to hang on to it. I think you have every right to be scared. Recovery is a scary thing. It means all those things you tell yourself to keep the disease may possibly come true and it's much easier to stay where you are then to recover and possibly face things you don't want to.

I hope some of that made sense. Personally, I have fully recovered twice (with thoughts there still) and I can admit that although I wasn't overly happy with my body, I was happier and had so much more energy. Of course you need to keep working on your issues and self esteem and you need a lot of support. Hence the reason I am no longer in recovery.

Anyway, no one can force you to get better. Well aside from forced hospitalization and for me that has never helped. It all comes down to you deciding that your willing to just let go and trust someone to help you. You know that what your doing is not healthy or getting you anywhere positive, maybe it is time to let someone else lead you. No games. Full out trust and honesty. It's scary but it is just as scary laying there with an Ng tube and heart monitor, possibly hearing the nurse discuss with you that your organs are shutting down.

lol<---I laugh only at myself and how much of a hypacrit I am. I hope anything I said wasn't to blunt. I say it in hopes that you know exactly what I mean and obviously not out of malice. :support:

---------- Post added at 03:25 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:23 PM ----------

Disclaimer: I don't know very much at all about eating disorders. But would it be possible for you to replace this "passion" (which seems more like an obsession that isn't healthy) with one that is positive, healthy, and can be used to build your self-image?

I just want to say that my post to Cat Dancer mentions something like this and I was not saying it in any reply to your post as I had not read it. :beer2: Okie Dokie?!

 

[Fiver]

Huh? I'm still waking up and on my first cup of coffee. So whatever you say I'll agree with.

 

[Banned]

I have struggled with this all of my life. I hate my body. I think I hate what's inside too, but it has manifested itself in a severe eating disorder that I've battled most of my life.

After three and a half years of therapy we have just started dealing with this. I am at a loss though because I'm not sure if I want to get over my anorexia. It gives me something to be passionate about and I am scared to lose that passion. What if there isn't anything to live for even though this is killing me?

I do hate myself so much, but can one really get over something so strong? I am scared either way I decide to go.

I think I understand where you're at, at least partially, CD. It IS hard choosing to get better, and making the decision to let go of unhealthy ways and unhealthy thinking. I am going through the same process myself, and it's frickin' scary.

It's comfortable staying where we are, living with the familiar, no matter how unhealthy or dangerous the familiar is. Having to move out of that comfort zone, into a place where we don't know how to function, is damn scary. It takes time to build the skills to know how to function outside of that place. We have to build the skills, practice the skills, and be comfortable with the skills...

I really wish you had a better support system though. I really do. It's hard enough battling all this **** and trying to rebuild your life, but without the support of family and friends its that much harder. I'm glad you have a great therapist and hopefully some close friends (including us here) to lift you up and help keep you up and motivated.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

I understand what you mean when you say passion i also understand that as i am slowly getting better every day i have realised that this "passion" i thought i had is not vanishing but changing. What once was a passion for healthy foods, tranformed into an obsession to restrict foods than claim some foods were "bad" As i try to get better i have realised my passion for eating well and taking care of my body has came back. After many years of starving myself and hurting my body i have developped an even bigger desire to eat healthy to take care of my body.
So does the "passion" dissapear completly ... no it changes i don'T think i will ever believe in getting over an eating disorder but what i do believe is that my eating disorder has made me the person i am today aware of the need our body has for food, aware that life is a very valuable thing. I am not saying that happens in a day just that slowly you rediscover the foods you like what to cook them with. I don't consider myself obsessed with food anymore, i consider this a tru passion. there is a fine line between passion and obsession, when your passion for eating healthy transforms itself into an eating disorder the passion is gone, it's simply a high of a control you think you have.
sorry if i burst any bubbles. i guess that is the way i see it. through my struggle.