Having a Bad Day

[Justaday]

Sometimes I just get stuck.
Having feelings-- depression is there.

I'm tired, a bout of arthritis, back feels like hell, fingers are swollen. Messes up my sleep. I've got these stress-related health conditions, make it hard to even go out. Sick, stomach, bowels.

So I don't make it out to things-- maybe I just need to sleep.

I checked out meditation class-- I know I had anxiety about starting something new (and my body becoming ill, was a signal of that), but I pushed myself to get out.

I know I was "switchy". I had just missed the 'inner child workshop".

I know my energy is scattered, different parts of myself-- dissociation, I'm behind observing other parts that come out to talk.

I sensed different things going on, it's a husband and wife team, and I sensed jealousy (this happens to me, repeated karma), it hurts and wounds me.

I talk to the meditation instructor after class (there's tea for the class. . .)-- I told him I'm aware of the 'inner child', some of the core stuff around guilt, survival guilt. I mention some environment work, I got into recently (Protector is out, anger about a situaiton, not inappropriately expressed). I'm aware of being 'switchy', the other students I'm reacting as an active listener-supportive, I'm smiling pleasantly, empathy.

On the 'inner child stuff', meditation teacher says that I need help, awareness is just the start, need someone to work with me on it, to help integrate. . . my child part answers for me (dissociating, that part speaks while I'm not intervening, it just speaks), says "well I know, but I can't afford that help"-- I have to keep strong on my own.

It hurts me when other suggest this, as if I'm reluctant to get help-- it's not that, it's I can't afford it. I'm on Ontario Disability-- I've been waiting for 3 years to get into Homewood-- there are no trauma recovery programs here.

Meditation teacher knows some healers in the community. . . he says we'll talk about that again. . . so I think he checks with his wife, and it's a no go. The next meditation class, we discuss renewal and change, and she starts, and talks about the burden of others relying on her at work, and that a family member is sick in her family and says something like "don't take it personally"-- which sticks in my mind anyway (like better if she didn't say that. . .).

I kept focus, this was post meditation, and no child parts are out. I just say I'm grateful for the opportunity for this meditiation place. I hope to integrate the awareness, so it's there when I'm experiencing PTSD stuff. . .

Lately I've been experiencing more depression. A lost environmental fight (and I had been writing politicians. . . it's depression-- they're not following the laws, flaunt it. . . it's depressing).

It just hits me later what was going on, the dynamic, and that the idea re: help for my inner child-- I feel the avoidance, and I don't bring it up (out of respect).

This stuff recurrs. I volunteered with a powwow, same jealousy stuff-- Elder was going to take me to powwow/healing thing in Manitoba, to meet with other survivors of suicide, but his wife's jealousy, so I back out and let her know it's not important to me, her feelings are important and I respect them. . . I never asked for that, it was just offered. . .

Happened again, a friend who was also sick with PTSD, and she had a friend who was a "healer", but some toxic jealousies there. . . ('healer' turned out to be a 'predator' anyway, and played on her jealousies, to pick on me, say I'm too "Victorian" while she allowed him to trample her own boundaries and the boundaries of her child. . .yeah, really frigen ugly, sickening actually. . . I suspected abuse happened there. . . lead to death threats on me (I was not delusion, the signs were classic, the daughter was harmed-- but CAS was useless [they investigated b/c of charges involving her 'bf' elsewhere. . .-- probability is there he harmed her own daughter, + classic signs -- I wound up in the hospital-- they didn't beleive but had they been trained re: trauma. . . because what I saw and sensed is totally backed up in the literature re: classic signs of abuse-- it was not imagined)-- These sorts of things have been hell for me. To be aware, but to not have any power. . .or authority. . . or anything. . . it's HELL.

It hurts me that I've been refused help from the Royal Ottawa Hospital re: their Anxiety Program-- doesn't treat PTSD. . .

Okay, well now I have more depression lately. . . maybe I qualify. . . ah yes, to go through all that hassle again. . . wait another 6 months for the referral to go through and who knows what I'll be presenting by then. . . will my system get more stressed, and I'll be even more dissociative and then they'll say they can't treat me. . .

The system is HELL for me. It's too exhausting (because I have tried really hard for years to get help. . . )

I guess the triggering throughts which have brought on some depression, is the frustration about this bad karma I have.

I feel like a society cast-off, written off, help is not funded (but for other disorders it is). . . my body is damaged from chronic stress (because it went untreated for so many years [not that I didn't seek help-- just no-one referred me to the help [psychiatrist was delusion re: over-estimating his ability to 'treat PTSD"-- he didn't teach me a single thing about how to cope with my symptoms, no flashback management, no stress reduction. . . he was off his rocker [I think he's the same guy who was 'treating Nadia" [who suicided, found her in the river. . . as she sought help on-line, that whole ugly story. . . that's what happens though, no help, we try to find it on our own, become exploited. . .sh!t happens".

It hurts me, it's not cool to hope for help-- it's just not there for me. It damages me more when others suggest it when I don't have a hoping hell of getting help. Yet it's obvious, that I'm switchy, my brain is fragmented by recurring traumatization. . .

So, it makes me feel a bit suicidal. I don't do any 'planning'. I don't allow myself to consider methods, I choose to just suffer it through, wait for it to lift again. Sleep, rest, get through it. I don't have the energy to go to the hospital-- I hate it there anyway.-- they're useless, and it hurts me more, because I know they can't really help me.

My body is in distress, choked up at the throat, teary, feel ripped around my heart chakra, stomack is ill, headache, I feel full of knots, like I've been run over by a train. . .

Maybe this is just a suicidal alter. . . and I have to try to show it that I can take care of myself, and I have compassion for my self. . . I can't find my 'healer part' at the moment, just overwhelmed with some despair, sense of hopelessness, tired, fatigued.

It's mostly PTSD, now some depression presenting at the moment, which has been lingering for a few days and this pain in my shoulders and neck-- and my feet in pain and restless when I'm trying to sleep, I keep getting up because I'm in pain-- the doctor just says to load up on the vitamin D and Calcium. . . I bought a multi-vitamin yesterday, see if that can help. I think stress depletes me of vitamins, nutrients.-- Last year, I lost a chunk of hair, the size of a toonie (thankfully it's not visible)-- but this is the result of chronic stress-- it sucks. Everything falls out of whack-- my monthly, I was violently ill, puking. . .

The best I can do right now, is just try to rest. I feel lousy inside and out

 

[Retired]

Justaday,

Are you being treated for arthritis to help relieve the pain?

Have you ever attempted suicide in the past?

If you are in the Ottawa area, please visit the Ottawa Mental Health Crisis Line for local crisis support.

How can we help you at this time?

 

[Dragonfly]

Justaday - I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. I know that this may well seem very, very inadequate - but how about a nice soothing cup of tea? Or hot bath or shower? Again, I know that you are dealing with much more than a simple cup of tea or bath can help with. But warmth inside and outside might help to provide some soothing relief. If only to just help reduce feeling so lousy. All the best, df

 

[CarlaMarie]

It's nice to hear from you again. Welcome back. I'm glad you remembered this was a place of support. Do you remember the other stuff you need to do to care for yourself? I know when I get triggered I forget.

 

[Justaday]

Well I rested. I feel a little better emotionally (not feeling like I'm going through hell-- that's a good thing). Woke up feeling better.

Thank you everyone for being here. It's like I can feel an energy of prayer (doesn't have to be religious), just simple caring-- it can go a long way. It's appreciated


Physically, still feeling like crap-- but I'll follow-up with Dragonfly's suggestion, a hot bath-- that makes sense, just to get some momentary relief.

Carla Marie: Thank you for acknowledging the trigger aspect, that makes it easier to cope with-- it's just a trigger-- and you're right, I can't remember sometimes how to find my way back 'home', just overwhelmed.

I think I just need to accept my situation. Others may have good intentions, but they're not realizing that I have limited means-- it's like a 'middle class bias', they're not aware of realities of poverty, and it's just a simple blindspot (I also hear the same thing from my Aboriginal friends, but they have access to funded help. . ., so it's another blindspot, meaning well, but not really aware of the realities of my situation [and I dont' want to make them feel guilty or anything, it's just a normal blindspot-- everyone has them. . .).

I have to accept my situation and just make the best of it and try to hang on to faith-- I'm strong. It hurts that I leak unintentionally, that my fragmentation might be apparent to a more 'trained eye', but I'm sure most people out there are oblivious, self-centred and aren't really going to notice it. There are some problems with that as well, e.g. a child part out, while men are seeing a 'hot woman' (objectify me). . . I have to protect myself, keep aware of those realities (yeah, cause bad traumatic experiences)

I just have to adapt. Strange situations, I probably need to spend a bit of time prior, working on grounding, keeping aware of the fragmented parts and just work on focus. I have some tools, the meditation practice and I just need to believe I can make it work for me. When I am grounded, the parts are less aggrevated, I just forget that it is something that does come into existence, something I do live with, and it happens.

My dad killed himself. . . being triggered might take me back to back then, when I too was having wished to be with him. Obviously, I think I do project "mother" on to others (especially when it's a couple-- it's reminding me of childhood, and in role of 'teachers', like a parental role)-- another thing that triggered me was the woman giving me a hug. . .when I'm not trusting her and when I was struggling with some dissociation-- I think maybe it was a fragmented part that came out. . .

I remember my mom trying to give me a hug after my dad died (and after she threw a violent tantrum), and I remember pulling back, just automatic response, and I remember a voice passing through my head, really crystal clear-- a panicked part, the realization that my dad is gone, "and that means I'm stuck with you. . . I don't even know you. . ."-- this was a 10 year old-- it wasn't 'acting out', it was the truth. I think the hug triggered me. . .

The damage is permanent, I just have to live with it, remember to take it into account. I should do some art work, make that a mirror (collage, whatever), re: the damaged parts-- to externalize it, to remind me to check in, have a consultation, remember how to take care of those needs.

I've lived with suicidal feelings most of my life, it's just a fact. My younger brother too, is likewise affected-- it's just a consequence of a parent choosing to do that-- it's a bit of poison to our developing souls, it's always going to be there (+ the set up for trauma disorder and proneness to depression, anxiety, etc.).

I read this Internal Family Systems paper (by Schwartz ?)-- it does make sense-- this suicidalness, that's been reccurent-- I think what it is, is an "exiled part" and it was formed through my personal history (the one who had to run from my mom, lock myself in the bathroom-- I cut back then, suicide attempt, to contain myself and the damn noise I was living with, my mom's violence and attacks-- she'd shred me down to nothing, 'no quarter to stand')-- whatever, a part, or a tendency, or whatever-- it does exist, it comes into being at times.

People are leary re: acceptance of elements of DID/MPD-- and whatever, they can deny it-- I don't really care-- they don't have to live my life-- they're not inside my head-- do I care even about the diagnosis-- I'll never be diagnosed because I won't be able to access the professional help that can make that diagnosis. . . but I have to live with these tendencies, this fracturedness. I think the Schwartz model makes sense to what I experience-- but it is just a model, just like any other diagnosis or whatever, it's a social construct, a product of thought by another-- but for me, it's a helpful tool for awareness-- the strength of it, in separating myself from distressed aspects of myself, gives me the power to be detached from these parts that are hurting-- the power is that my 'suicidalness' does not define my whole being-- it's just carryover from trauma (and chemical imbalances as a result or already existing, inherited. . . whatever-- who cares-- I just have to live with it).

As for DID-- no I'm not fully that, I don't think, but PTSD and dissociation-- there's some dissociative challenges I do face, which can present problems in my life-- so whatever, I just have to accept this. I can work on building up my core strength, grounding and I'll have less fragmentation. But what does happen is that I do have parts which recall certain parts of my history, that I can't access-- so sometimes a child part, a child voice will answer for me-- this just happens, and whatever, it's not a big deal.

I am strong. It's a bit of a disability that I have to learn to work with. It means, if I get ready to do job interviews, I have to do some extra preparation, meditation, work on staying solid, in present self, grounded, focussed. If I meet with new people or new situations, likewise, I need to spend some time doing some preparation to ground, meditate, pull on focus and be aware of the things that can pull me off of focus (e.g. 'power relationships'-- I don't have to become a child, I can be an adult, taking care of the situation.

It's just some challenges. My social worker is not that aware, I see her on an off, not that regular-- when I had to apply for disablity and the questiosn about my history-- my brain can't handle that. . . and it's likewise, likely to be problematic when I try to do job interviews. . . because to answer honestly, my eyes will roll up into the back of my head to try to retrieve that information and maybe a part will come out-- I don't know how that will look, since employers will also likely be studying me closely. If I had some work, I could afford some help-- I'm also allowed to work some hours without it coming off of my Disability cheque-- so it's a good goal to work towards. Maybe it's all just minor anyway-- what I percieve as different, maybe others won't notice it too much. . . but they do. . .even going to the store, clerk get flirty and then asking questions-- my eyes roll back-- they think I'm a liar (when I'm the opposite-- I try really hard to answer questions honestly-- maybe I try too hard, maybe it'd be better if I was a liar-- maybe that would be more grounding. . . -- I hate pop psych-- it creates a lot of discrimination for me. . .

I just have to believe in my own power, and not let others errode my sense of it (and be aware when I'm feeling vulnerable, where it's going to have more impact on me).

Okay, this is bizarre-- my back is not hurting atm. My fingers are still swollen, in pain, but not my back, shoulders/neck. . . maybe emotional repression is causing me more pain. . .? Maybe just releasing like this is good. I must somatize my emotions, the way my body/mind is wired. . .? Or by intellectualizing-- makes me more comfortable. . .? Whatever, just an observation, I'm feeling less pain in my shoulders and neck. . . could be many reasons. . .

The doctor thinks my restless legs is a result of anxiety. . . but it's real pain, feet, hips--- maybe it's repressed 'flight response'. . . whatever it is, it causes me discomfort-- full of knots, cramped. Maybe there are real medical issues, I don't know. . .I still have tests to get around to doing. Or stress-related, when stressed, the body cramps up, constricts, also breathing can become shallow where as full breathing (actually does help release knots- I can feel it crick and creak, released knots with full breath). I think I'll try to go swimming, see if I can get someone to go with me (I try to get myself to do this, I just carry a lot of fear going alone, no lifeguard, I struggle with feeling safe, don't like to be isolated, risk of being harmed. . .)-- But I don't want to over-ruminate on the things that are stressful-- it's a fine-line between release of energy vs. over-ruminating-- I don't want to return to depressing thoughts, diversion can work for me right now, I have the power to do this right now (I couldn't find it yesterday, but I do have a return of power now). I'll use this new energy in a positive, good-for-me, direction, build up some strength from it.

I feel better. I've released what I've needed to. Mild sinus headache, behind the eyes, a bit tired (and it disappears with acknowledgement-- meditation practice is working, I'm getting some benefits ). I do this, check in with my body, to help me with grounding (might sound like I'm a hyperchondriac, lol-- I've never had any major health issues, the pain has been the last few years). It might also help me understand where in my body I'm storing emotional pain-- this awareness can help-- early detection of problems -- practice coping before I become overwhelmed. . . It's also about grounding in the "here" and "now" which is important re: PTSD, come back to the present moment.

@ Steve: Thanks for the reminder about the Mental Health Crisis Line: I should post the number where it's visible to me. I know that they are good. And they would also remind me re: self-care, before they let me go. I just think I had a lot going on and needed to write (more so than 5 minutes worth).

I have the feelings and sometimes I experience being stuck. I don't do planning, I have a committment to stay alive-- I won't hurt my younger brother-- he needs me. It's kind of a life mission, to not abandon him, it's a justice issue for me as well, and in addition to the fact that I love my little brother-- we have a survivor bond. If I can't believe in myself some days, I have to remember that I do believe in him, that he's important. I can't leave him alone to this world, what we lived through. . .

Statistically, I'm high risk, when I'm stressed, losses, illness, etc., but I can also defy those statistics by simple human bond to my brother, making my committment to sticking it out, not matter how it gets. I should keep a photo of him handy as well. Ironically, I have been trained in Suicide Prevention-- I got that for volunteer work I did previously and I was good at it (before I burnt out-- I put 10 years in though, outlasted most people-- no health care benefits though Makes that sort of work a mistake when not wealthy, having the basics for oneself, but I did help make a difference in other's lives, to hang on and it was gratifying-- that life is in the past-- Good deeds do not get oneself ahead, if it's out of balance with care of the self, I should have focussed on career more, then give from overflow, from a real place of abundance. . . but it was part of my journey-- it was an unhealthy organization, outreach, I guess it's gotten better now, but my time there-- it was sick, burnout cycles-- got to protect oneself from that stuff, no one else has my back-- that was an illusion-- no "social contract" honouring anymore, it's cover their own butts-- that's the real world-- I'm dis-illusioned and I can live wiht that now [but it was a shocker and betrayal-- but that's the lessons of adulthood]-- it's not such a nice world, but I can adapt), but I use that training on myself, with my brother, family, lots of situations (too many in fact. . . I always try to defer as well to resources like the MHCL, etc. to empower others). It's good to remember on my self, it helps also with detachment while evaluating where I'm at.

Okay, I'm going to spend the day with a focus on self-nurture. Have a bath. Try a swim. Do so chores, maybe do some collage stuff, maybe some beading as well.

Serenity Prayer (too bad I wasn't an addict-- I'd get help , that help is funded ):. . . grant me the Serenity to Accept the Things I cannot change; change the things that I can. . . and the wisdom to know the difference. . . accepting this world, not as I would have it, but as it actually is. . ."

It's true, acceptance can go a long way. Accept that it is chaotic, it's not a perfect world, unfairness is also a part it, as is cruelty and dishonour. But I can also 'strengthen the things that remain" (Pema Chodron quote, Buddist Nun) -- remember that I do also have some strengths. I can survive though my illusions have been shattered, take the world as it is, and I have power to adapt, find my way, cope with what is. I can believe in myself, and that's what really matters. (I have to live with myself, no one else does, lol I can be strong, I am strong. I've got some smarts too. I just have to believe in myself, no more doubt, just follow through, because I can make my life better for me and I don't need anything from others-- they all have blindspots (e.g. mental health system here, the politics of it. . . I don't need it), I'm the one who truly knows what I am dealing with.

It does help though to come here, and get help with a check-in with myself, when I've lost it and am not able to find my way back on my own. So thank you. I'm grateful for this. I need this self-authority back and protect it and not let others errode it, not let others treat me as the 'victim' when it's only a part of me, not the whole me. Recognize the distrotion in communication, what the meditation teacher was responding to. I'm not angry, I understand, I can put myself in others shoes.

 

[Retired]

Justaday,

Thanks for the update and it's good to hear you're feeling less vulnerable. It is unfortunate to hear about your Father's suicide, and sadly, as you probably recall from your suicide prevention training, that history could contribute to your own suicidal ideation. On the other hand, your commitment to your brother is your strongest reason to live.

Don't hesitate to let us know if you feel you need further support.

 

[Justaday]

Yep-- it's been a while since I reviewed those notes, but I think my dad's completion fits into family history and 'prior attempts'. It's how I reacted to my dad's suicide, I wanted to die too, I prayed for it and I made 'quiet attempts'. It's how a lot of the family reacted, but that's too much to get into right now.

I think I'm going to skip my meditation class, until I'm feeling better (just this week, anyhow). I don't have to push myself into a triggering situation.

The confusing thing about PTSD-- is that it's not just about me, I did pick up on something there. I think the wife was feeling overwhelmed generally and I'm just going to give it a bit of space. PTSD makes me hyperalert and I do pick up on small things-- not all in my head, because many times, I've picked up on the distress of others, while they were trying to hide it, but able to discuss it after the fact and what I picked up on was real. It's almost 'psychic', the smallest miniscule twitch of the tiniest facial muscle. It's I guess built from survival, my life depended on being able to read situations.

I don't want to fall apart. It's tricky, because I'm trying to expand community contacts, reduce my isolation, while at the same time, it's important for me to keep aware of potentially toxic situations. It might mean, just trying something else. . .

It kind of sucks. My previous belief system, was to 'not give up', keep going-- but that resulted in staying in toxic situations which turned out to be a lot more harmful. I used to constantly doubt myself and chalk everything up to my problem, my PTSD distortions, but it's not always distortive. I think of it as exercising discernment-- an overall theory of life doesn't always work, have to pay attention to what situations are presenting.

What happens with the energies of jealousy, are subtle, demeaning sabatoge-- emotional abuse-- makes me feel 'bad' (triggering childhood traumas, etc.), it's not a place of expansiveness, it's constrictive to me developing my talents. I'm also not a 'classic victim', I also have strengths, insights, intelligences. . . born in July, a Leo. . . I'm able to project confidence and that can also put other women feeling at threat of me. . . and it's frustrating, but this has also been told to me (because women having a lousy self-esteem to begin with). I just haven't found many places where I can fit in. It's especially toxic in 'spiritual communities'. . . because trying to find a space of safety, connection with spirit, while these toxic energies are going on, it winds up being 'spiritual abuse'.

I feel like a total misfit. I just haven't found the right places. A bad karma of slipping between the cracks of everything. My glasses are scratched, I'm still wearing what's left of my contact lenses, but in the fall, I can go back to the eye doctor, have it covered by OHIP and new lenses/glasses-- I should try wearing those, maybe that will help. Problem is, I'm really blind and it's a safety issue for travel by bus, walking at night (been attacked twice and glasses which can be knocked off my face-- it's scary for me-- because that's a place of real vulnerability-- I'm really blind).

I'm just not aligned properly-- I split so I could do school, but there's childhood wounds and other splitting from there. I would have been better if I had not tried, become a drug addict, then I'd get help. . .PTSD damage probably wouldn't have been so severe either, would have medicated it. It's stupid that I've tried to do all the 'right things', in a believe that it would come back to me-- it's a mistaken belief-- because the outer system doesn't work that way. But I was twisted by "make amends" for something that was not my fault to begin with-- I over self-sacrificed-- I enjoyed helping but I can't do that anymore either, I got too sick-- the time-bmb of PTSD, was always there, ready to explode.


Anyway, I will lie to my friend who was going to meditation class with me-- partial truth-- my stomach is still really sick. I think what I'll do is just do some meditation at home, try to make it a 'win' for me anyway. It's these "cultural mythologies", being an 'attractive damsel in distress', it's seen as threatening-- I have to hide my distress-- but I can't stop all the leaks, my fragmentation, alter parts coming out. . .


I find myself in a "Catch-22"-- I need to get out to work on my wellness, but I need to be more well. I need to work to be able to afford help, but I need to take baby steps to get stronger for work

I think what I need to do, is to hide my PTSD as best as I can-- don't mention it to anyone-- I used to do it out of guilt, because I was aware that I was leaking anyway, so I'd just own up to it. I figure that would be a way of sparing others of suffering, but it seems to lead to more suffering experienced by myself. . . I'm too honest, when it's smarter to hide more things, don't worry about being so exactly honest-- give people stories they'll feel more comfortable with. Principles work okay if one is in a better social class, it doesn't work down here.

I avoided marriage and kids because I didn't have confidence, always know I'd break down-- I've broken off relationships out of love, to protect others from my self, from suffering from seeing me suffer. I don't show my suffering to others, I hide behind the computer (cause I'm living in poverty, crowded living situation. . .). One of my roommates is complete Narcissistic, completely self-absorbed-- I don't have to worry in the least of him become upset-- he doesn't have much 'compassion' and that's safer.

My brother I protect, because he recovered enough to work, so I make sure I'm present to him, as he talks about his day, the challenges (his voices, etc., dissociation reactions to stressors. . .)-- he was younger than me when sh!t hit the fan back at the family of origin.

I’ve been too ‘catholic’-- that was my dad, what I held on to, but geez, it didn’t do him too much good either. L My Mom, she wasn’t-- so no church after my dad did what he did (and there was also stigma back then still. . .out-casted, by something I didn‘t do).

Life is Not Fair and there's serenity in accepting this as a fact. I have to live anyway. Find some course through this. . .

Winston Churchill had a great quote, "if you're going through hell-- keep going!" (don't stay there!)