I feel so guilty and I know that I am being terribly selfish, but I am really struggling with Mother's Day this year.
During my early years, my mom wasn't really all that stable. She told me that she suffered from severe postpartum depression after I was born and took off with a girlfriend for 6 weeks right after I was born. I assume that my dad or grandparents took care of me she never really said. She has told me about some of the things she had done when I was very young, such as taking a Brillo pad to my face to get rid of my freckles among other things. I don't remember this stuff, but all of my early memories are of being terrified. So, who knows? I suppose it doesn't matter. I do know that she didn't keep me safe from certain things, although I can't really blame her. Anyway after my parents divorced I lived with her for a while until she decided to dump me on my dad when I started kindergarten and I didn't see her again for years. Once I was in junior high I would spend summers with her. Things were sort of okay then as long as I didn't interfere with her dating and working. We were more like girlfriends than mother and daughter. She was always very manipulative and quite unpredictable and she started drinking again during this time. Shortly before my dad died, I had to go live with her and her new fiance (my now step-father). Things were very turbulent, they were both very heavy drinkers and she was getting more unstable. Add to that the fact that they obviously wanted to start their own life, not be saddled with a 16 moody year old. Anyway, it was not really pleasant living with them and as soon as I was able I moved out. It wasn't until my mid twenties that my mom and I began to have a really nice relationship. I truly do love my mother very much and am so glad that we have gotten to a place where we have a relationship that is close.
The problem is that when I was visiting my parents last week I was so sad watching how loving and nurturing my mom is with her children now (she has adopted 2 children and has 4 foster children). I feel like such a terrible human being for admitting this, but it just hurt me to hear the kindness and love in her voice when she would talk to them and to see how she would take care of them. Please don't get me wrong, I am so happy that her children are truly loved and that she has another chance to be a better mom. It just hurts that she couldn't have been like that for me. I know that she is a different person now and I am happy for her. Yet, there is a part of me that just feels so sad and even a bit resentful if I am being completely honest. I hate myself for feeling this way, I don't want to be this b****y selfish person. I just feel so sad right now. There is a part of me that feels like the problem was me- that I was just unlovable.
Trying to find a Mother's Day card this year was such a challenge for me. None of them seemed to apply. They all spoke of how mom was always there, always nurturing and loving and that wasn't the mom I had. I did finally choose a card, a more humorous one, but then I felt guilty for not being a better daughter and just getting one of those lovely sentimental cards as it would make probably make her feel good. Instead I got the card that I felt comfortable with, I am so f-ing selfish.
My infertility issues certainly aren't helping right now either and the hormones that they have me on are making me so much more emotional. I hate being like this!
I am sorry for writing all of this garbage. Once I get started ranting I tend to just keep spewing all of this crap, sorry
. I have just been so miserable lately and I am so so tired of feeling like this. I am hoping that writing this out and admitting to how I feel about this will be sort of cathartic.
During my early years, my mom wasn't really all that stable. She told me that she suffered from severe postpartum depression after I was born and took off with a girlfriend for 6 weeks right after I was born. I assume that my dad or grandparents took care of me she never really said. She has told me about some of the things she had done when I was very young, such as taking a Brillo pad to my face to get rid of my freckles among other things. I don't remember this stuff, but all of my early memories are of being terrified. So, who knows? I suppose it doesn't matter. I do know that she didn't keep me safe from certain things, although I can't really blame her. Anyway after my parents divorced I lived with her for a while until she decided to dump me on my dad when I started kindergarten and I didn't see her again for years. Once I was in junior high I would spend summers with her. Things were sort of okay then as long as I didn't interfere with her dating and working. We were more like girlfriends than mother and daughter. She was always very manipulative and quite unpredictable and she started drinking again during this time. Shortly before my dad died, I had to go live with her and her new fiance (my now step-father). Things were very turbulent, they were both very heavy drinkers and she was getting more unstable. Add to that the fact that they obviously wanted to start their own life, not be saddled with a 16 moody year old. Anyway, it was not really pleasant living with them and as soon as I was able I moved out. It wasn't until my mid twenties that my mom and I began to have a really nice relationship. I truly do love my mother very much and am so glad that we have gotten to a place where we have a relationship that is close.
The problem is that when I was visiting my parents last week I was so sad watching how loving and nurturing my mom is with her children now (she has adopted 2 children and has 4 foster children). I feel like such a terrible human being for admitting this, but it just hurt me to hear the kindness and love in her voice when she would talk to them and to see how she would take care of them. Please don't get me wrong, I am so happy that her children are truly loved and that she has another chance to be a better mom. It just hurts that she couldn't have been like that for me. I know that she is a different person now and I am happy for her. Yet, there is a part of me that just feels so sad and even a bit resentful if I am being completely honest. I hate myself for feeling this way, I don't want to be this b****y selfish person. I just feel so sad right now. There is a part of me that feels like the problem was me- that I was just unlovable.
Trying to find a Mother's Day card this year was such a challenge for me. None of them seemed to apply. They all spoke of how mom was always there, always nurturing and loving and that wasn't the mom I had. I did finally choose a card, a more humorous one, but then I felt guilty for not being a better daughter and just getting one of those lovely sentimental cards as it would make probably make her feel good. Instead I got the card that I felt comfortable with, I am so f-ing selfish.
My infertility issues certainly aren't helping right now either and the hormones that they have me on are making me so much more emotional. I hate being like this!
I am sorry for writing all of this garbage. Once I get started ranting I tend to just keep spewing all of this crap, sorry
. I have just been so miserable lately and I am so so tired of feeling like this. I am hoping that writing this out and admitting to how I feel about this will be sort of cathartic.
