Hello from Deanlover

[deanlover]

Hello everyone,

I am very happy that I can finally find an online support forum!

I have several issues, but the most important one is my family situation: My wife and I are immigrants and we have no family and few friends here. While I am good at languages and working all the time, she is staying home. We have two young kids, which means a lot of housework to do. She is not used to it since her family always have housemaids around. Besides of this burden to her, she wants to learn driving and languages and try to get out of the house as soon as possible. Therefore, she is quite stressed.

She admits she needs help but does not know how - she has language barrier and she does not want the people from our community to know a lot about her problems. So, her only support is me. I love her very much and I think I am trying my best. However, sometimes I am not careful enough, i.e. saying or doing something not to her taste or making her feel bad, she will just go crazy - hurting both herself and me by criticizing everything in our life, including herself......

Actually, things are improving little by little. But she still needs a long time to be satisfied with herself. I know my responsibility - my love should be the only remedy to her problems. However, in a "rainy day", I feel quite terrible and extremely lonely. I am a very extraverted person and like sharing my feeling with my friends, which is almost impossible for me now.

Therefore, I am looking for some help or maybe some friends to talk to...

Thank you very much for the patience to finish my introduction!:thankyou2:

 

[Daniel E.]

:welcome:

 

[Fiver]

Welcome aboard, Deanlover! I'm glad you found us, but sorry for the circumstance which necessitated your search. No need to feel alone here; the company is friendly and intelligent, and I've found the compassion to be beyond what one would expect on an internet message board. In my short time here, the kindness and wisdom offered to me has been unending. I hope your experience will be the same.

Make yourself at home. Thanks for sharing as much as you did in your first post.

 

[NicNak]

:hithere: Dean. :welcome: to Psychlinks!

 

[HBas]

Welcome Deanlover!

:2thumbs:

 

[white page]

Welcome Deanlover,
You have done a good thing in reaching out and sharing all the pressures you are feeling at the moment, feeling that you have to hold everything together even on the days when you are yourself feeling fragile.
I hope we can bring some comfort and support to you

 

[Retired]

Welcome Deanlover,

Hope you can find some insights that can ease a few of the family tensions.

We have two young kids, which means a lot of housework to do. She is not used to it since her family always have housemaids around

How old are your children? Can the housework tasks be shared among all four of you to lighten the workload of your wife? This may help to ease her stress and allow her time for learning those new skills.

 

[deanlover]

Thank you all for the greetings!

It is busy day and I am too tired to type something. Anyway, we are in a 'cold war' now and she does not talk to me these days...It happened before. I just do not know when it will end this time.

Steve, I am not sure I should stay in the "introduction" or move my thread to other sections. Just let me know.

My two kids are before school age. We are training them and they are eager to help, but you can hardly count on it.

I am quite sleepy now. I really appreciate this forum and your comments. Finally, I have somewhere to talk about my problems.

Thanks again!

 

[white page]

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/psycholo...ture-is-like-grieving-a-death.html#post146911

I found an article which you may find helpful Deanlover

 

[deanlover]

Thanks a lot, White Page!

We are not new immigrants any more and have experienced all of them.

To my wife, the problem is that she is just not used to so much housework with young kids. She is not lazy at all and now probably the most hard-working one compared with her sisters or cousins, who are still back in our home country with housemaid as well as family and friends. (Maybe to another wife, this is quite normal but not for her.) Besides, she is a very high standard person, perfectionist. In our home, there are special ways to do dishes, washing clothes, or even sweeping the floor...

She is a sensible person but slow learner, so she was never a good student at school when she was young. Both of us know that it takes time for her to learn skills here, especially languages. Basically, I am quite used to this since the situation has been like that for years. However, she is feeling differently: the kids are growing up day by day, need her less and less while she stays the same. Thus, she wants to get out of home as soon as possible.

Her dilemma is between the eagerness to be more independant and her old habit - perfectionist about houseworks, not be able to concerntrate on studying for a long period, etc. To support her, I do a lot of housework too. But usually, I am not allowed to do this or that because I am not up to her standard. I always try to tell her if she really wants to learn, she should lower her housework standard, which, for sure, she can only accept gradually.

The current situation is quite typical in our life: After several days of hard studying and housework, she was a little burned out. She talked with me, trying to get some comforts or understanding. Naturally, I mentioned she might need to change her style a little bit more. Suddenly, she became very angry because, instead of being praised for her progress, she felt I was blaming her for not doing her best. Then, I tried to explain that this was not my intention but she would not accept my excuses. Well, both of us were angry now and things went worse...

Like what I mentioned before, I know I am the only support to her now and I am trying to follow her rules, or to be as objective as a professional psychologist. However, I am still her husband and I have not been trained as a professional yet. Sometimes, I am quite low because of some work issues or kids problems. There are moments when I forget to pay attention to my attitude to her, things will go bad and we will have a fight...

I wish if I can talk or get some support here in this forum, I will be able to make less such errors.

Questions or comments? Shoot, please!

 

[texasgirl]

Hi Deanlover and welcome,

I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. Is it possible that you and your wife could seek some outside counseling? Maybe it would help you both in talking through some of your thoughts and feelings. Does your wife have any friends here?

Just some thoughts,

Take care,

TG

 

[deanlover]

Hi Deanlover and welcome,

I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. Is it possible that you and your wife could seek some outside counseling? Maybe it would help you both in talking through some of your thoughts and feelings. Does your wife have any friends here?

Just some thoughts,

Take care,

TG

Thanks for the concern!

Both my wife and I admit that we do need counseling if possible. We know it is a hard time and we know we need help.

To me, it is not that serious since I have a stable job. Thus I have a regular social life like everyone. But what should we do about her? As what I mentioned in my first post, she can not communicate freely with others because of the language issue, which means she always needs me as a translator in complicated conversations. We do have quite a few friends here, but she feels the relationship is not strong enough to talk about such difficult issues.

A very good solution besides of me, I think, is to find a good girlfriend for her. So, they can have some girl talks, go shopping together...anyway, all the girl things. But it is not easy. I mentioned that she is picky with high standard. A very small wrong judgment or wrong words can make her angry for hours and then ruin the relationship. She is always like that - even back in our home country, she has not a lot of friends. Her good friends should be easy going, never criticize anything, and have good manners. She is just like that - the outsiders will think she is a very calm, shy, polite but quite stylish.

For now, I still consider the only and the best solution is me and I should support as much as I can. I am very happy that I can speak out here and get at least some understandings and support, which is important to me. In this way, I can keep my strength and avoid more fights between her and me. (She always need several days to recover from a bad fight.)

I hope, however, there will be other options as well. Your suggestions will be always very appreciated!:thankyou2:

 

[Jazzey]

Is there a cultural center where you are? For recent immigrants? Maybe your wife can become involved there. Even if they don't speak the same language, people accept more easily when others struggle a little with the language and they help each other to learn the new language. Just a thought. (and this is something you could do as couple). Or, finding a church or organization that shares your wife's views. Sometimes, joining a local church is a great way to meet people who share similar beliefs.

 

[deanlover]

Thanks!

I do not want to be negative, but it is really hard to get her out of the house without me. Even with me, she will let me speak for her since she is not so confident yet...

Well, the fight of last week is over. Her point is : she knows that I am trying to support her, but she is smart enough to know what she should do or not. She does not need suggestions unless she asks for it. Every time she complains, she only asks for understanding and encouragement. However, I always try to make comments like she may need to do this or do that, which really upset her quite a lot since it makes her feel more useless.

Another important point is that she would like to be the leader inside the family since I am so perfect to outsiders. She wants to be important, or the most important one, at least at home. If there is a decision to be made about our family, she does not like that I disagree with her or make alternative suggestions, which makes her feel that I would also like to be the leader at home. So, she always point out that I should follow exactly all her rules and decisions if I really want to make her happy and relaxed at home.

Both she and I realize that she is a little bit jealous of me because of our current situation, which makes my supporting job more difficult. Whenever I do not pay attention to a word, she will feel bad and angry at me. I am trying, but it is not easy to be calm and neutral all the time. :sigh:

Thanks again for all support and understanding!

 

[Retired]

Another important point is that she would like to be the leader inside the family since I am so perfect to outsiders........Both she and I realize that she is a little bit jealous of me

I don't know if there is some cultural influence affecting this relationship, because a relationship based on jealousy and power struggles is a recipe for difficulty.

Harmonious relationships funtion best when there is mutual trust, sharing of duties and tasks, working as a team where neither partner dominates, and each excels in their own right, with the freedom and support of the other to strive in their own right.

A successful relationship should be an equal partnership, free of jealousy and resentment, but rather filled with support and encouragement.

Both my wife and I admit that we do need counseling if possible. We know it is a hard time and we know we need help.

What's preventing you from making the necessary arrangements?

It shouldn't be a matter of who is right and who is wrong, but rather to find a strategy where each of you can contribute to the relationship in a nurturing way so the relationship can thrive.

To my wife, the problem is that she is just not used to so much housework with young kids

You have alluded to the housework more than once as being an issue for your wife. How often do you help with the housework?

She is a sensible person but slow learner.....I ....make comments like she may need to do this or do that, which really upset her quite a lot since it makes her feel more useless.

Forgive me if I misunderstand this, but it sounds to me as though you see your wife in a subservient or subordinate capacity, domestically, intellectually and socially.

If these are cultural influences and biases, and if you are hoping to adopt the lifestyle of the culture in which you now live, it may require some major re-orientation of your thinking for you to accept your wife as your equal partner in your relationship

 

[deanlover]

I don't know if there is some cultural influence affecting this relationship, because a relationship based on jealousy and power struggles is a recipe for difficulty.

Harmonious relationships funtion best when there is mutual trust, sharing of duties and tasks, working as a team where neither partner dominates, and each excels in their own right, with the freedom and support of the other to strive in their own right.

A successful relationship should be an equal partnership, free of jealousy and resentment, but rather filled with support and encouragement.

The jealousy and power struggles come from her words. She said that she need to feel important at home since she is not that way outside. I really wish I can support her better. That is why I am here looking for help.

What's preventing you from making the necessary arrangements?

It shouldn't be a matter of who is right and who is wrong, but rather to find a strategy where each of you can contribute to the relationship in a nurturing way so the relationship can thrive.

Mostly because of the language barrier. The question is how to get her to the conselling.

You have alluded to the housework more than once as being an issue for your wife. How often do you help with the housework?

Everyday, all the time, besides of my full time job and other family issues that have to be done by me because they are in English. According to her, the most important thing is not about the housework, it is to make her feel happy and important at home.

Forgive me if I misunderstand this, but it sounds to me as though you see your wife in a subservient or subordinate capacity, domestically, intellectually and socially.

If these are cultural influences and biases, and if you are hoping to adopt the lifestyle of the culture in which you now live, it may require some major re-orientation of your thinking for you to accept your wife as your equal partner in your relationship

There is some misunderstanding here. I do not mean she is stupid, compared with others, she was just not a student with good marks at school. 'Slow learner' means she need more time to study one thing compared with her friends. These conclusions are from herself. I love her because she is good at a lot of things and I do not care about her marks at school. I encourage her all the time that people are different and she is progressing gradually. Anyway, she put a lot of stress on herself.

Thanks a lot about your comments! The typing has some disadvantages and may cause misunderstanding.

 

[Retired]

the language barrier. The question is how to get her to the conselling

This may not be an insurmountable problem, because workers in the fields od counseling, psychology, psychiatry and all related mental health fields come from all ethnic backgrounds. People come to train from from all over the world, so it would require a minimal amount of inquiry to locate a competent counselor who speaks your native language.

A good place to start would be from within your ethnic community, your pharmacist, your spiritual advisor even your family physician.

Your local chapter of the Canadian Mental Health Association could be a resource to locate a counselor or therapist speaking your native language.

Simply by asking around your community, or even calling the department of Psychiatry of your local hospital(s), speaking to the receptionist and asking if there is anyone on staff who speaks your language would be another way.

Our Country is multicultural, in every aspect of life, including among the professions. A bit of research should quickly reveal the professional you seek with the background you need.

 

[deanlover]

Thank you very much!

I will try my best to find one. I really do not know how long it will take before I find a right time to bring this topic up and get her to the service. A wrong timing can be really a disaster in our fragile family life. But trust me, I will keep trying and trying. If there is any progress, I will let you guys know.

Steve, I really appreciate your help!:2thumbs:

 

[pixie]

Sorry, but I really felt I needed to Poke my nose in here.

I am the wife of a man that wanted to leave my "roots'. I was born and raised, and had my family in the same city. Almost 50 years to be exact. After failing in a marriage of 28 years; later remarried my new husband convinced me to move for a better life. To run his business.

As I read these postings from Deanlover I feel for your wife. She is lonely, dispaired, feeling unheard and probably in a deep depression. You, however Dean go out daily and do your job, get your fulfillment and she's left at home to care for the children, the home and feels no fulfillment in her own life.

Moving from our families is LIKE A DEATH. My husband often feels hurt because he feels that his LOVE and my love towards him should be enough. He just doesn't GET it.
Why did you make this move? Was your wife in full agreement, did she have equal involvement in the decision?
Perhaps the reason she doesn't want to go out and make new friends is that in her mind , she's not going to stay here or she's struggling with depression.

I have total empathy for her and hope this doesn't destroy your relationship.

I hope you get help soon Best of luck

 

[deanlover]

Sorry, but I really felt I needed to Poke my nose in here.

I am the wife of a man that wanted to leave my "roots'. I was born and raised, and had my family in the same city. Almost 50 years to be exact. After failing in a marriage of 28 years; later remarried my new husband convinced me to move for a better life. To run his business.

As I read these postings from Deanlover I feel for your wife. She is lonely, dispaired, feeling unheard and probably in a deep depression. You, however Dean go out daily and do your job, get your fulfillment and she's left at home to care for the children, the home and feels no fulfillment in her own life.

Moving from our families is LIKE A DEATH. My husband often feels hurt because he feels that his LOVE and my love towards him should be enough. He just doesn't GET it.
Why did you make this move? Was your wife in full agreement, did she have equal involvement in the decision?
Perhaps the reason she doesn't want to go out and make new friends is that in her mind , she's not going to stay here or she's struggling with depression.

I have total empathy for her and hope this doesn't destroy your relationship.

I hope you get help soon Best of luck

Thanks for the comment!

I just want you to know that the move was our common decision as well as decisions for my working out and having two kids here. Furthermore, she always says that she should have done immigration and had kids earlier.