Hello, Happy New Year

[Cassie]

My name is Cassie and I just joined this forum thinking to post a question on a specific non-personal topic of interest, but in retrospect there are numerous topics/discussions that I would love to engage in under the umbrella 'psychology'.

I am curious/analytical as blessing and curse (I think)... I think I have good insights, but am not so great at applying them to myself.

My first topic was not going to be a personal introduction, but frankly I do know that I am (very) depressed.. so, I'll be honest and state that here. I feel like I know what steps I should be taking, but am having a difficult time and fear that I am sabotaging myself. I'm a freelance graphic designer, which requires self-discipline.. and I think I am at a crossroads financially and in every way if I don't get some equilibrium. The creative in me.. that can/does thrive if "I'm my own boss" may need to fire herself pretty soon and get a structured job. IF I could afford it, I would be going to therapy, possibly request anti-depressants.. but I just can't right now. (That said, my inner advisor advises at least that I incorporate exercise and better diet, sleep schedule into the mix.)

Additionally, my elderly father has moved in locally with my brother and his wife, and a lot of issues have come up from this development. My dad needs some care, and I had planned and have tried (and try) to be involved, accessible, helpful in this situation, but sister-in-law issues "from hell" have arisen, that have thrown me for a loop... over-the-top. Frankly, I think all four of us could use some therapy but my SIL, from the day my (frail) dad has moved in has upstaged everything, (including concern for my dad) into a dysfunctional mess. Brother recently has convinced her to see a therapist (which she needs).. but he has been completely oblivious to how her behavior has been affecting me (my own sanity and well being). I could walk away, but MY Dad is there. I'm not looking for sympathy votes, but from my perspective I see my SIL has some "real" psychological problems, some feigned ones (she's admitted to me are "strategies'), and is a brat and troublemaker, being enabled by my brother.

Recently, I've had to take a much more hands-off approach.. which meant not coming over at Christmas as family event... but visiting my Dad, separately.. the day after, when bro and SIL were gone. A total shame. The whole situation is frustrating, and I have been so angry at my SIL for creating a toxic environment and not respecting the situation and deep feelings involved. I could write a book here... about how I've tried to offer solutions, "be" a provider of solutions, etc. And ironically, on the term "sabotage".. While I'm pretty good at sabotaging myself, SIL.. I believe is adept at sabotaging peace, family bonds and cooperative dialog. I labeled her metaphorically, "terrorist". Thankfully I have been able to discuss with my sister, but the situation just 'sucks'... I hope SIL gets some help, and Lord knows.. I hope I do, too.

Sorry for the long post. Thank you for listening and this forum. I hope 2013 brings some positive insights, healing and energy.

 

[rdw]

Welcome!
You can't change your sister-in-law's behavior you can only change your response to it. If you find it difficult to be around her why not take your dad out for the afternoon or an evening or even overnight if possible. You may also be able to spend quality time with him by taking him to appointments or shopping for necessities. I would be concerned that your sister-in -law may be finding the whole situation overwhelming so an approach with an offer for tangible help may restore some goodwill.

 

[Cassie]

Hi RDW,

My Dad is frail, 96 years old and a fall risk. He doesn't get out much, except the doctor visits.. (my brother or I take him) and occasionally out to dinner if pushed. His O2 is low when walking and other factors make him dizzy and weak walking short distances. He doesn't want to be in a nursing home, and my 2 brothers and 1 sister agree that this arrangement, at least for now, makes the most sense. A central location for other siblings, I'm close by.. Brother and I both work from home, and there is some flexibility there.

While a first introduction to the situation would raise concern for SIL being "overwhelmed", and what I can do to alleviate/help... I must state that (right here) is where I would need to write that book.

SIL is constantly referring / pushing that my "rich" other brother should buy a condo for me and that my Dad should move in with me. THIS IS THE ENTIRE GIST OF ALL of her meltdowns and mindgames. At one point her 'strategy' as she explained to me, was that IF my family thought she was crazy... "Rich" brother would "step up" with something different. My brother (SIL husband) just lets all of this go and ignores it, even though she continually shoves it in my face. I ask how her class went, she asks "How's your townhouse plan coming along?" -- as she expects me to help make "rich" brother invest in a townhouse, and carry out her plan. OR she feigns explosive outrage of some fabricated scenario that I said I "paid for her wedding"... which makes absolutely zero sense. Meanwhile, she states that my other brother isn't saying his "proper goodbye" to my Dad, his Dad... and by God, she has placed herself in charge of trying to manipulate how my other brother 'says goodbye' to his Dad. BTW, I don't buy that any of this is compassion for my Dad by any stretch, as she states to my brother.. about how we are treating my Dad, but rather her inability to empathize with my family, her husband's wishes, my Dad's(and ours) to take care of our elderly father.

I have tried GOODWILL.. to be helpful, etc., but the truth is SIL doesn't want my Dad there, and is angry about that. And he's a sweet man and has been generous to all of us, to SIL as well. I don't have the resources or living arrangement that can accommodate my Dad, and my Brother wants him there. Because I am local of my siblings, I'm the target of her 'acting out'. Their place often borders a hoarded mess... and when I come over, I pick up the kitchen.. to which she complains that I "think it's my house"... when in reality I'm literally just doing dishes, clearing kitchen counter and a spot for my Dad to sit at the kitchen table. Brother does the laundry... she picks up fast food. Neither cook. When I come over... I at least want to do that for my Dad. It's totally frustrating. Yet, in spite of what I describe, brother and my Dad have a great relationship... and I think he is great with my Dad.

Since April my Dad has been there. In the beginning, I came over a lot... often 3-4 days per week staying overnight.. tried to keep a small 'footprint'.. and assisted with my Dad, offered and have helped them w/ house projects, if desired.. and tried to be friendly w/ both bro and SIL. We used to be 'friends', and I do some graphics work for my brother. When I would spend that amount of time there... that's IT. What I mean is, I don't/can't disappear to the "study" or get anything of my own done, or projects, etc. They can and do, and that was the point... to alleviate their time, etc.

I've suggested a caretaker come in, and after bringing this up again and again, they have someone come in a little bit during the week.

As far as who ought be overwhelmed, it would be my brother.. SIL sleeps til noon or whenever, doesn't work and doesn't do much... When I come over, I do my Dad's Laundry, for example. I used to gladly do theirs, as I thought I was being helpful.

I can't help but feel like either my Dad or I? are being held 'hostage'... and now for sake of sanity and to avoid confrontation, I have to keep away. I'm frankly irritated at brother, who's been claiming he is "24/7" even when I was there 3 days a week, literally "24/3" away from my home... Now that I'm staying away, I'm a little irritated because his martyr role is partly due to his not communicating/working stuff through w/ SIL... not helping to broker peace between SIL and me, has left him less one willing ally in helping w/ Dad. I should say that I have tried on this front, too... SIL and I had exhaustive email wars, which I thought were ultimately cathartic and successful, but alas, she's tenacious... and the same stuff keeps coming up.

Up until these events and this, being my brother's (first) marriage LATE in life, my brother and I have been pretty close, and probably comparatively "borderless" compared to siblings with attachments... so, additionally I feel that I've lost my brother.

 

[AmZ]

Welcome