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Newtimer

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Hello all.

I know this is the Members Introductions section so I will tell you abit about myself and why I am here.

I am a 32 year old married female. (well almost 32 just under a month to go)
I am new to the forum thing. I suffer from depression some. I went to a Psychologist a few times a but we didn't really discuss much. I went in once, spent an hour explaining my life and after that I just had to go back for 15 minute check ups for medicine management. So I don't think it really helped me out a lot. Don't get me wrong. I feel like I was doing a lot better on the medicine then off, but as far as talking about stuff and getting it out. I am currently not taking medication but thinking about going back to the doctor and seeing what I can do. It is just really hard to keep on track with it and a doctor. I travel for a living and I am not home much. Maybe only 3 weeks out of the whole year.

Ok so the reason I am here. I have an issue that I would like to get a few opinions on if that is okay to do here on the Introduction section. I will try and make it to the point

When I was about 14 I moved in with my best friend and her family. I was sexually molested by her step dad as so was she. This went on until I was 18 and moved out. I never told my family anything about it. I was really scared of this man. He worshiped the devil and all kinds of horrid things. I am pretty sure that the mother new about all of it but didn't do anything about it either. I think about it now and try not to blame myself for any of it but it is hard. I don't ever remember telling him no. I remember dreading it when he wanted to but never did I tell him no. I never stood up for myself and I let him just convince me that it was the right thing to do and so on and so forth.

Anyway it has been a good 14 years since all of this has happened. I have moved on with my life and have tried to deal with all of life's issues.

I finally got my life under control for the most part. Now I have an issue that I have no clue on what to do. I have talked to my husband about it but I am still not sure what to do.

Here is the issue. My Sister is getting married in a few months. Well my "best friend" has stayed friends with my family but not so much with me. And not so much with me because I really had no desire to keep in touch or contact with her. I have only talked to her a few times and only when she was with my sister. I did go to her babies funeral and her parents were there. I was told that is funny how things happen to bring people back together and that I basically betrayed them, from the stepdad. After this I have completely tried to keep away from that family.

Anyway my "best friend" is a brides maid in my sisters wedding. I can deal with this. I don't like being around her much but I can handle it for a day. However I asked my sister if her parents were coming and she said she invited them. I am really terrified of what to do. I do not want to be in the wedding or even at the wedding if this man is going to be there. I am also scared to tell my sister. I feel that what I kept in the past was better in the past because they can't do anything about it. That it would just hurt them more to know what happened then to just keep it in the past. I am also worried if I do tell my sister why this is such a bother to me that she won't believe me. I am worried that she will talk to "my best friend" and she will tell my sister a completely different story. That I made it up. I am so confused on what to do and it is really keeping me down.

Well sorry to take up so much space. I was trying to just stay to the point but felt to give opinions you would need a little bit of the story.
Thanks everyone and if it is to long let me know and I can edit ad repost in another area.
 

Mari

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:welcome2: I was going to post under something such as 'depths of my despair' but my computer crashed again and I just have a few minutes on my son's computer. For now I will just say welcome and hope you get some helpful posts soon. And I hope I get some sleep. :sigh: Mari
 

Garrett

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I'm sorry to hear this. I was also sexually abused as a child. It's a difficult hurdle to cross and I've been through so much to try and get through the pain I've felt for many years. It's been only by the grace of God and a loving wife that I'm here today.

If you're not ready to face this man, then by all means don't go. No good could come from you getting upset at the wedding and possibly causing a scene. For such an important day, you wouldn't want to ruin that. In the future you may want to confront him if you think that it would resolve some issues for you. I don't know the man and only you know how he would react to you bringing up these past events. Use your own judgment, but do it only when you're emotionally ready to do so..... if you ever are.

I had a chance to confront a man that had abused me as a young boy, but I couldn't bring myself to it. I was out at the pool at an apartment complex where I was staying with my mother. He came strolling up with a girl that I knew from the complex. I was shocked to say the least. They stopped and talked a few minutes and just for an instant I thought about knocking him into the pool and drowning him. :( Instead, I waited until he left to let the girl (which by the way had 2 young girls) know what he had done to me many years before. At least I knew that she would be watchful over the girls knowing what she knew.

There's many here that can give you sound advice. Just know that you did nothing wrong. I wish you all the luck in the world. You will get through this. :)
 

Newtimer

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Thank you for the great advice so far. I know I am not ready to confront him and I don't feel that I will ever be able to.

However I noticed I left a big part of the issue out. I am a braids maid in my sisters wedding as well. (not sure how I forgot to mention it, as that was my issue about going or not going :frown:. And if I don't go I feel I need to explain it to my sister why, I just really didn't want to do that. I also feel that if explain to my sister she will tell my mother. I really don't want my mother to know. She has done a great job raising four girls without a lot of support from a husband. I don't want her to think in anyway that is was her fault for even letting me move in

My husband thinks I should tell my sister what is going on. However I am not sure if that is such a good thing. I feel then I would be putting her in the spot to uninvite them and I don't want to do that to her either. I told my husband that since we travel for a living I could just tell her we can't get back home, but he disagrees with me. He said that we would drop everything in a heart beat for my sister and her family and he does not want work to ever be an excuse because of that. I agree with him I just know how I am going to handle the situation. I don't even know if they plan on going but the thought of it is just driving me crazy. Since I found out a few days ago I just can't seem to pick myself up. I just want to stay in my room and not go anywhere but sleep. I dread telling her but I also dread being anywhere close to him.
 
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what if you did tell her, but also tell her everything you have told us here? that you don't want your mother to know, that you don't want to put her on the spot about uninviting them? that you just don't know what to do?
 

Halo

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What if you told her that there is going to be someone from your past with whom you do not want to see due to painful memories and therefore do not think that you could attend the wedding. Maybe you don't have to give her specifics but just talk in general terms. Do you think that she would accept an explanation like that or press you for more detailed information?
 

David Baxter

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I think you should tell your sister that you don't feel you can attend the wedding if this person is going to be there. I think it would be a shame for you to miss your sister's wedding because of this man - it would be like being victimized again. I also get that your sister might want to know why you feel that way and that you may not want to tell her, but you could simply say that it's something you don't feel comfortable discussing right now but it's serious and non-trivial. Tell her you will respect her decision but that it's seriously a question of you or them.

Then leave it up to her to decide what is more important to her.
 
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I agree about talking to your sister. You shouldn't have to go through the torture of seeing this person again.

Wishing you the very best with all of this. I hope it works out in your favor.
 

Newtimer

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Thank you All.. I can't tell you how much it means to me to actually have other opinions and so much support.

I guess I worry a lot about hurting my family. I don't want them to suffer from something that I have already suffered through.

What happens if my sister doesn't believe me? All my family knows is that these people were really good people. They helped me get through school, gave me a car, helped with my dental work or whatever. I am sure it is going to be hard to believe when you look from the outside in.

My sister was dating a guy that tried to put the moves on me. I told my sister about it and she didn't believe me. A few years later she actually apologiesed because he had done the same to her friend.

It really did hurt when she didn't believe me and I don't want to feel that again either. Sometimes I wonder if it would just be best for me to suffer though one more day and just go and leave it at that.

Thanks again you all, I have actually been feeling a little better knowing that I have talked to you about it. You all have very good opinions and suggestions. :)
 
Last edited:

David Baxter

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For this event, it doesn't really matter whether she believes you or not. In fact, you don't even have to tell her why you don't want her friend's parents there - just that you cannot attend if they are and that you're not comfortable discussing the reasons right now.
 

braveheart

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You know it's true. That's what counts.
I understand deeply the ache for validation though, to be recognised and believed.
 

sunset

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Welcome newtimer.. I agree with Dr Baxter on this one.
Let me add, that if one of my sisters came and told me that they were abused by someone, I would be on their side and do what was best for them, no matter what. The only thing that would hurt me, is that my sister kept it to herself, when I could have been a support and comfort to her. I wouldnt have wanted her to deal with something like this all by herself.
 

bbjjre

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Newtimer: I recently went to a funeral and had to face my abuser and it was a very very uncomfortable situation because like you no one was aware of what a slime ball he really is and it took me a long time to get over just being in the same room with him after all of these years ( I am still dealing with it and its been six months). If I were you I'd think long and hard before coming to decision as to whether you are going to attend.
 

Newtimer

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Thank You everyone for all the positive feedback. I will keep you updated on the situation.
 

Newtimer

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Hi all. I wanted to update you on this issue. I know it isn't even close to the date but I thought of something that might help.

As I told you I have not talked to this family friend that will be in the wedding for some time. I never talked to her due to the fact I wasn't sure how she felt about the situation. This is her family, her step-dad. I know how he manipulated me at the time and I wasn't sure if he still continued to do the same to her. Anyway I emailed her and actually talked to her about the wedding situation. That I felt if I didn't go and I told my sister what has happened that It would hurt her more then to help. I explained to her about why I haven't talked to her (the family friend) and why I just moved on with my life without her in it.

She emailed me back and expressed that she probably feels the same way that I do. But this was her family and she has to deal with it differently then I do. She told me she would see what she could do about finding out if her family planned on coming to the wedding. She even offered to opt out of the wedding due to my feelings and even apologizes for everything that had happened. I told her that it wasn't an issue with her but explained I had no clue if she even felt there was anything wrong that had happened in the past.

I am not sure if that was the right step to take but I really wanted to search all of my options before I did something I would regret. However if she can not help me or lets me know that they plan on going then I have a back up plan. At least now if I do talk to my sister about it, I have an email that shows my concern to the family friend and her acknowledgement.
 

lallieth

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Hi Newtimer

I am glad that you are working on this issue,it's important to you and I understand your dilemma..I am sure it will work out for you,Keep us posted :)
 

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