cleanfreak
Member
well, i'm new here and by golly- as nervous as if i had to go outside where people are. i'm not really sure where to start, or what to tell you guys about me. i'm not one to open up easily. right now i'm pretty much having a panick attack.
okay,
lately things have gotten pretty tense for me. i'm still keeping up appearances but it's getting harder to do so. it feels like my world is caving in around me and i'm being crushed.
i am 30 years old and have a barrage of problems. for starters i have celiac disease, gastroparesis, intense, severe migraines (the whole nine yards, visual auras, nausea, vomiting, dizzy spells, sensitivity to light and noise), insomnia etc.
i was diagnosed with major depression, ocd, generalized anxiety, and social phobia about three years ago, but have suffered at least since age 14. it just took me that long to seek help. well, not quite, my parents do not belief in any "mental health issues", they belief psychiatrists are a joke.
so for as long as i was with them there was no way anything like that was wrong with me. well, years later i did see a psychiatrist on the recommendation of my obgyn and my husband (RN- he saved my life twice after suicide attempts). he started me on meds and i would go see him for what i would call gas stops (refills) every other week or so. he mainly precribed meds, not much talking. needless to say i am not seeing him anymore and i got off the drugs. the weight gain was not acceptable to me.
i've been pretty good with controlling (or leveling) my depression, as long as things stay the same. it's another story when changes take place - hello anxiety, panick attacks and depression. it's easy to find me balled up in the closet corner.
what is getting almost unbearable is my ocd.
it seems that the noise in my head is getting louder and more intense, because there are so many obsessions. it's like where the depression should be, the ocd is filling in. i can't get out the door in the mornings because of my compulsions. they're taking longer and longer.
and soon i cannot afford to buy paper because i re-write everything so many times. i find myself more and more often turning around on my way home after work because of doubts that i locked the door, set the alarm, forwrad the phones etc. at home i can't get to bed because i need to check the doors, make sure there are no dishes in the sink and and and and and .................so many other things. i constantly worry about hurting someone, especially in the car and so on.
i really do not know how much longer i can do this. it's really starting to take a toll on me. not that it keeps me from doing things outside the house. i don't go anywhere anyways (i do not like meeting people or for people to see me, i don't like being watched) but it keeps me from maybe having a restful evening or playing a game with my daughter.
in order for me to be able to rest or to enjoy something recreational i need the perfect environment, which means that EVERYTHING needs to be done and taken care of. everything clean, in it's place, all the laundry done, and so forth. needless to say, it never gets to that point. so my inside is always in turmoil. if my inside is in turmoil i can't unwind. sometimes i feel like a guitar string that's about to rip because it's tightened so much. my husband always says my quirks were funny but lately even he sees that it's getting out of hand. he used to ask me who cared if some dishes where in the sink,or if the shoes are not in the closet and i'd always say ME. the germs will spread from there over everything and i'll have to clean the whole kitchen. same in the bathrooms. the shoes belong in the closet not where i can see them, they have dirt on them.
oh i can't go on, because it's too tiresome. it's everywhere and i just keep spinning in circles, never getting anywhere. wait, there are some brief moments where i belief it could be the time to say - yes i did it, but then i sit down wanting to watch a show but i get a really unresty feeling that i have to walk through everything and make sure it was done. (like santa checking the list twice, well, in my case until i go to bed and then i can't sleep...) and belief me i do have my lists.
what do i do? i do not want to see another doctor ( i hate docotrs -no offense) and i surely do not want to take meds again (getting off paxil was pure HELL). should i embrace my "quirkiness" and hope it will let off and get better (haha) or take it until the eve of my birthday, when i plan to end it all? i'm pretty much at the breaking point. do i have to be admitted? when do you know?
okay,
lately things have gotten pretty tense for me. i'm still keeping up appearances but it's getting harder to do so. it feels like my world is caving in around me and i'm being crushed.
i am 30 years old and have a barrage of problems. for starters i have celiac disease, gastroparesis, intense, severe migraines (the whole nine yards, visual auras, nausea, vomiting, dizzy spells, sensitivity to light and noise), insomnia etc.
i was diagnosed with major depression, ocd, generalized anxiety, and social phobia about three years ago, but have suffered at least since age 14. it just took me that long to seek help. well, not quite, my parents do not belief in any "mental health issues", they belief psychiatrists are a joke.
so for as long as i was with them there was no way anything like that was wrong with me. well, years later i did see a psychiatrist on the recommendation of my obgyn and my husband (RN- he saved my life twice after suicide attempts). he started me on meds and i would go see him for what i would call gas stops (refills) every other week or so. he mainly precribed meds, not much talking. needless to say i am not seeing him anymore and i got off the drugs. the weight gain was not acceptable to me.
i've been pretty good with controlling (or leveling) my depression, as long as things stay the same. it's another story when changes take place - hello anxiety, panick attacks and depression. it's easy to find me balled up in the closet corner.
what is getting almost unbearable is my ocd.
it seems that the noise in my head is getting louder and more intense, because there are so many obsessions. it's like where the depression should be, the ocd is filling in. i can't get out the door in the mornings because of my compulsions. they're taking longer and longer.
and soon i cannot afford to buy paper because i re-write everything so many times. i find myself more and more often turning around on my way home after work because of doubts that i locked the door, set the alarm, forwrad the phones etc. at home i can't get to bed because i need to check the doors, make sure there are no dishes in the sink and and and and and .................so many other things. i constantly worry about hurting someone, especially in the car and so on.
i really do not know how much longer i can do this. it's really starting to take a toll on me. not that it keeps me from doing things outside the house. i don't go anywhere anyways (i do not like meeting people or for people to see me, i don't like being watched) but it keeps me from maybe having a restful evening or playing a game with my daughter.
in order for me to be able to rest or to enjoy something recreational i need the perfect environment, which means that EVERYTHING needs to be done and taken care of. everything clean, in it's place, all the laundry done, and so forth. needless to say, it never gets to that point. so my inside is always in turmoil. if my inside is in turmoil i can't unwind. sometimes i feel like a guitar string that's about to rip because it's tightened so much. my husband always says my quirks were funny but lately even he sees that it's getting out of hand. he used to ask me who cared if some dishes where in the sink,or if the shoes are not in the closet and i'd always say ME. the germs will spread from there over everything and i'll have to clean the whole kitchen. same in the bathrooms. the shoes belong in the closet not where i can see them, they have dirt on them.
oh i can't go on, because it's too tiresome. it's everywhere and i just keep spinning in circles, never getting anywhere. wait, there are some brief moments where i belief it could be the time to say - yes i did it, but then i sit down wanting to watch a show but i get a really unresty feeling that i have to walk through everything and make sure it was done. (like santa checking the list twice, well, in my case until i go to bed and then i can't sleep...) and belief me i do have my lists.
what do i do? i do not want to see another doctor ( i hate docotrs -no offense) and i surely do not want to take meds again (getting off paxil was pure HELL). should i embrace my "quirkiness" and hope it will let off and get better (haha) or take it until the eve of my birthday, when i plan to end it all? i'm pretty much at the breaking point. do i have to be admitted? when do you know?
That's the time when something has to be done. You really need to get some help, as you're not able, emotionally, to deal with it all alone, at this point. You NEED professional help. I don't like doctors either, but I'm not going to avoid seeing one if I need one. I can't do it all alone. No way.
