More threads by cleanfreak

well, i'm new here and by golly- as nervous as if i had to go outside where people are. i'm not really sure where to start, or what to tell you guys about me. i'm not one to open up easily. right now i'm pretty much having a panick attack.
lately things have gotten pretty tense for me. i'm still keeping up appearances but it's getting harder to do so. it feels like my world is caving in around me and i'm being crushed.
i am 30 years old and have a barrage of problems. for starters i have celiac disease, gastroparesis, intense, severe migraines (the whole nine yards, visual auras, nausea, vomiting, dizzy spells, sensitivity to light and noise), insomnia etc.
i was diagnosed with major depression, ocd, generalized anxiety, and social phobia about three years ago, but have suffered at least since age 14. it just took me that long to seek help. well, not quite, my parents do not belief in any "mental health issues", they belief psychiatrists are a joke.
so for as long as i was with them there was no way anything like that was wrong with me. well, years later i did see a psychiatrist on the recommendation of my obgyn and my husband (RN- he saved my life twice after suicide attempts). he started me on meds and i would go see him for what i would call gas stops (refills) every other week or so. he mainly precribed meds, not much talking. needless to say i am not seeing him anymore and i got off the drugs. the weight gain was not acceptable to me.
i've been pretty good with controlling (or leveling) my depression, as long as things stay the same. it's another story when changes take place - hello anxiety, panick attacks and depression. it's easy to find me balled up in the closet corner.
what is getting almost unbearable is my ocd.
it seems that the noise in my head is getting louder and more intense, because there are so many obsessions. it's like where the depression should be, the ocd is filling in. i can't get out the door in the mornings because of my compulsions. they're taking longer and longer.
and soon i cannot afford to buy paper because i re-write everything so many times. i find myself more and more often turning around on my way home after work because of doubts that i locked the door, set the alarm, forwrad the phones etc. at home i can't get to bed because i need to check the doors, make sure there are no dishes in the sink and and and and and many other things. i constantly worry about hurting someone, especially in the car and so on.
i really do not know how much longer i can do this. it's really starting to take a toll on me. not that it keeps me from doing things outside the house. i don't go anywhere anyways (i do not like meeting people or for people to see me, i don't like being watched) but it keeps me from maybe having a restful evening or playing a game with my daughter.
in order for me to be able to rest or to enjoy something recreational i need the perfect environment, which means that EVERYTHING needs to be done and taken care of. everything clean, in it's place, all the laundry done, and so forth. needless to say, it never gets to that point. so my inside is always in turmoil. if my inside is in turmoil i can't unwind. sometimes i feel like a guitar string that's about to rip because it's tightened so much. my husband always says my quirks were funny but lately even he sees that it's getting out of hand. he used to ask me who cared if some dishes where in the sink,or if the shoes are not in the closet and i'd always say ME. the germs will spread from there over everything and i'll have to clean the whole kitchen. same in the bathrooms. the shoes belong in the closet not where i can see them, they have dirt on them.
oh i can't go on, because it's too tiresome. it's everywhere and i just keep spinning in circles, never getting anywhere. wait, there are some brief moments where i belief it could be the time to say - yes i did it, but then i sit down wanting to watch a show but i get a really unresty feeling that i have to walk through everything and make sure it was done. (like santa checking the list twice, well, in my case until i go to bed and then i can't sleep...) and belief me i do have my lists.

what do i do? i do not want to see another doctor ( i hate docotrs -no offense) and i surely do not want to take meds again (getting off paxil was pure HELL). should i embrace my "quirkiness" and hope it will let off and get better (haha) or take it until the eve of my birthday, when i plan to end it all? i'm pretty much at the breaking point. do i have to be admitted? when do you know?
cleanfreak said:
what do i do? i do not want to see another doctor ( i hate docotrs -no offense) and i surely do not want to take meds again (getting off paxil was pure HELL). should i embrace my "quirkiness" and hope it will let off and get better (haha) or take it until the eve of my birthday, when i plan to end it all? i'm pretty much at the breaking point. do i have to be admitted? when do you know?

I think if you're planning on ending it all you really, really need to get in to see a doctor as soon as possible. You mentioned having a daughter. I'm sure she loves you very much and would want you to be well.


There have been some amazing new drugs released over the past few years, hon. Many of them don't cause the weight gain that made you so unhappy before. Additionally, lots of research has been done on OCD, and new treatments and therapies are available, and continuing to become available. I'm sure some of the data available on these pages can give you some ideas, as can Dr. Baxter.

The important point is that you're coming to the point where your stress over your stress is adding to your stress, if you get my drift. ;) That's the time when something has to be done. You really need to get some help, as you're not able, emotionally, to deal with it all alone, at this point. You NEED professional help. I don't like doctors either, but I'm not going to avoid seeing one if I need one. I can't do it all alone. No way.

What you're describing is beyond "quirkiness". I think you know that, or you wouldn't be here. Hopefully, some of the articles available on this site will give you some ideas and some insight. Still, you really need to see a professional and get these feelings out on the table, including how you feel about doctors and medications, and why you feel the way you do. There's so much being done, and so many good changes that have come along, that you are robbing yourself of some great opportunities to overcome your difficulties by not seeking the help that's out there.

Hugs, hon, and welcome to the forums! :eek:)
yes, i have an eight year-old daughter who's my life saver sometimes (when we go places she's the one i lean on, we might be holding hands, but it's her who's guiding me). the things she has to deal with because of me are not suitable for a little girl - i'm causing her to grow up faster than she needs to. wouldn't it be better if i were gone. yes, she loves me very much and i love her, she's about the best thing a i ever got together in my life. but i know the scars i'm wearing from my childhood (mom drank and father was gone all week) and i don't want her to have that. if it ends now she can start anew. deal with the pain and be done with it.
i know the whole drill about being a danger to yourself and others etc., but if i were to see a doctor it would mean more meds and i don't want that and i'm surely not going to be locked up, because i'm a danger to myself (i've always had suicidal thoughts, they're just really pronounced lately)
i just need to find a way to quiet my mind. my husband knows me very well -apparently-, he just recently changed his work schedule so it enables him to be home with me and my daughter in the evenings (basically i'm never alone). but do i have to put them through all this?
don't they deserve a happy peaceful life?

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
Paxil is a difficult medication to discontinue and it is bad for weight gain for some. However, not all of the SSRIs are like that and, as ThatLady noted, there have been several new ones released in the past few years.

One of the not-so-new ones that seems to be especially good for OCD is Luvox. You might want to investigate that one, or ask your physician's advice on alternatives, making sure you remind him/her about the side effects you experienced with Paxil.

Also have a look at the OCD section here -- you'll find quite a bit of information there on medication and self-management issues.
i can tell you why i feel about doctors the way i do, i've been ill all my life. it started when i was in elementary school when i had my first attacks of migraines (severe) and bouts of nausea with vomiting. there wasn't a week where the teacher wouldn't send me home sick at least once. that's when all the doctor and hospital visits started. all the medical tests for my gastro intestinal problems, as well as the migraines etc. the migraines where diagnosed really quickly and i got meds for that, but the stomach problems went on for years and years without diagnosis.
finally at age 26, after i had lost so much weight going through a really bad bout of vomiting and other various gastro problems (i was down to 79 pounds. even at 5 ft that's pretty skinny) i found a doctor who ran (once again) a barrage of tests and finally after 4 months figured out a diagnosis of celiac disease. 26 years and finally a word for what's wrong with me. no meds though, only a glutenfree diet (don't ask how much that adds to anxiety) is possible treatment.
i feel that i am a waste. given the history before i was born i shouldn't be here. that thought has been edged in my mind ever since i found out that doctor's advised my mother to abort me because of her age when she got pregnant with me and for the fact that she had just lost a kidney two months earlier and they feared for her life. against their advise she had me, but as you can see i pay the price.

i have seen too many doctors, too many hospitals, nurses and machinery and medication to ever go back that way again.


Ish. I can understand your aversion to doctors and hospitals. However, if you were to see a therapist, there shouldn't be any hospitals, or machinery to cope with. It's a much more user-friendly environment.

As far as the meds go, hon, they really are helpful. Whether we like it, or not, some of us need them to make our systems work properly. If we reject what will help us, we're a part of the problem not a part of the solution.
it is good to know that there are people who will listen and don't put me off as a joke. you all have a good understanding of what one goes through. i belief it could help to stick around here. i've been reading the posts around here and in other topics. i'm not alone - i know that. i have a wonderful husband and pretty supporting in-laws (my family is in germany and to this day my parents aren't really open to talk about my mental health problems (they still belief it's made up by me or it's put into my head by others, it's the same with my brother).
i am dealing, for now, but people around me are not aware of how close to the edge i am. i read a lot about mental health, my husband knows my entire life history (we talk a lot), he's the only one i feel comfortable to talk to about my internal conflicts, plus he knows me best. in a sense he's my psychotherapist. him being a nurse i belief he would see when it's time to involve outside help!? as for medication, that is absolutely not an option. i wish i could learn ways other than medication to help me deal with my issues. i've just ordered a book about ocd and cognitive therapy - i'm hoping it will be helpful.
but for now guys don't be worried about me, i do enough of that. for now i'm okay.
thank you so much for caring and reading through my lengthy post.
i'll be gone for a little while but will be back. probably in the ocd forum.

True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway. Edna Buchanan
one more thing on the paxil- that's the first i took (my obgyn prescribed) i was on it for a good year and a half, i relly didn't have problems with weight gain on paxil (it actually did help = especially ocd and social anxiety) but if anything i lost my appetite totally while on it. the psychiatrist i was seeing took me off the paxil cold turkey and started a combination of valium, remeron and ambien to help me sleep. after a week off the paxil cold turkey, i was a complete basket case. my husband had to break through the bathroom door to get me out because i had locked myself in there to hurt me. i had electric shocks every five seconds going through my body, my brain felt like it was being twisted etc. i called the doctor up and he admitted that it was a mistake to take me off paxil so abruptly, so he weaned me off, which meant taking it again, and than gradually decreasing it (y'all know that). anyways after 8 weeks i was off the paxil and only on the remeron, valium and ambien. then i weaned myself off that (well, i do still take valium or ambien when i need it) and stopped seeing the doctor. there was never much talk anyhow - i talk much more to myself than to him.
but what i wanted to get at is this: i have my a prison which confines my life already, i do not want to add medication and erect another bar on the window. i'm not saying that i do not want help, or that i don't need it -
i'm just looking for another way to get there.
there has to be another way. i just want to live a life that's liveable.


Hello cleanfreak, I remember when I was in a similar situation in my life. About that time I had a dream and in the dream I saw this book with lots of writing in it that I couldn't understand as it seemed to be in a different language, but as I looked at the page there was one part that I could read, in English and it said 'when you understand the purpose, you will know that you must never give up'. That was five years ago, and I'm making some progress, slowly but surely, and I will never give up. I also know now that I'm never alone, even when it's hard to believe it. Take care and keep in touch on this forum.

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
cleanfreak, what the psychiatrist did was incompetent -- one of my clients a couple of years ago had a similar experience with her physician and it simply should not be happening with any competent practitioner.

However, if you absolutely refuse to consider medication at this time, then I strongly recommend you do some reading about omega-3 essential fatty acids. Do a search here or on the main PsychLinks Mental Health Resources page for omega-3, or look under "Alternative Therapies" in this forum and you should find quite a bit of information.
i'll get right on the omega-3 research. thanks for the advice.

my husband and i both thought it was odd for the physician to take me off the paxil like that. but i confirmed with him twice that he did not want me to take it anymore and he agreed and said to just take the remeron.
i don't think he ever understood how deep my issues are, nor did he ever bother to dig deeper.
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