Help - anxious about appointment

[Ashley-Kate]

well i am hours away form my appointment and to say the truth i am a nervous wreck i am going to be there at 9 am tomorrow morning and the judgment begins? oh i have no clue what they may say to me or what they will do to me i am really nervous i don't know what to say what to do or how to act i am at a loss. i feel so very missunderstood in all of this because what can i say to them the truth common they will take one look at me and think well i am almost 18 i am old enough to take care of myself and not need anybody to intervene all the time .. why is this illness killing me like i is why is it that no matter what info i have on it part of me thinks of it as a power as somethng that i need what is rong with me if i need such pain.. i feel that i have only known pain all my life and without it i feel so very lost it is scary.. i don't know how to explain how i feeli am mean i look at people that are fat and think they let themselves get that way i look at my sister who is okay i guess and try to stuff her with food to make her gain weight i am mean i feel that if the hole world would be over weight than i would feel so much better..? my life revolves around weight and being thinner than everyone.. but i know i will never be thin enough but that is what makes me craze over it .. being a stick figure so therefor no one would love me no man would dare t tuch me i would be pure and left alone but then.. would that make me any happier would i still feel dirty...
i am scared i just have so many kestions about my probleme that i don<t yet call a illness cause it is still in my eyes a gift is that soo rong,.... i am soo freeked out cause i know what i want but at the same time i know it is wrong....

ashley

 

[David Baxter PhD]

No one is going to judge you, Ashley. They are there to help you, not to judge you.

 

[Eunoia]

hey hun... I'd be nervous too but it's for the better really- you've waited so long for this appt, it's good that you're finally able to go. just be yourself, say what you've been wanting to say all this time, what you're feeling, what it is that you need from them and anyone else... they won't judge you- that's not their job. you know what, I always used to say 'by the time I'm 30 I have to have my life figured out' etc. but something I've realized is that people keep on growing at every age, once you have reached one milestone or a goal, it's onto the next journey- life in itself is a journey, so what if you need some help and you're 18? everyone reaches out at one point or another and age has nothing to do with it. you said you have so many questions abotu this, why don't you write some of them down and take them to the meeting tomorrow?? you'll be fine Ash, it's just a scarry situation to be in, knowing you're going to have to confront your fears, but you'll be just fine.

 

[ThatLady]

Just speak from your heart, little one. Tell the truth. This appointment isn't for the purpose of judging you. It is, as David said, for the purpose of helping you to help yourself. That is best done by telling people the truth...all of the truth, as you feel it.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

well i went to my appointment and well i left some details out by my fear of ending up there to stay and well the dr. was there as well and he is the one that controles that... but they got the message that i need help and they planed out things to make it easier for me i will be seeing them again in feburay the 27th.. i will also have a fallow-up in place soon and i have to fill in a nutrition diary and send it by e-mail to my nutritionnist.. the only thing is nw i have to be honnest and tell them what i am really eating... but i willand i also asked the help of one of my teachers who has organised my schedual so i can eat at the school every lunch hour and also have activities to reduse the risk of purging and one of my friends will be eating with me although my meals are not really considered meals at least i am eating something at every meal time and slowly i will add to that.my psycholgist noticed that i am really obsessiveover what i eat over calories and over the amount of ecercises i do verses what others do and alos my increasing fear of being dirty.. of germs bacteriat and perfection and she realises that my anorexic thoughts are very present and do to that is demanding an increase in the surveillance at school and at home ...
that is the feed back of my appointment .. i hope that will help but at the same time i am mad because i have little control.. i am so scared of all of this ..
ashley

 

[ThatLady]

Your control over these issues will build over time, Ashley. It took time to get to this point, and it's going to take time to get past it. As long as you're honest with those who are trying so hard to help you, and honest with yourself (you're trying hard, too!), you'll reach your goals, sweetie. While I understand your fears, since we're all afraid of the unknown and you're in unknown territory right now, there's really nothing to be afraid of. You're on your way to the "no fear zone"! I'm really very proud of you! :icon_flower:

 

[Eunoia]

well it sounds like you were able to convey to them that you need more help and the things they came up w/ sound like that's what you'll get- more support. they're only trying to help you and you don't have to go through this alone, you have your doctor and your nutritionist, and the support at school from the teacher and your friend... it's definitely scarry to be that honest and "tell them your secrets" b/c it feels like you're turning over control, but really you're just reaching out for help so that you can learn to control your life in healthier ways than right now. it's okay to be scared and to feel confused about changes. I hear ya. :|