Help! My wife and children . . .

[Brick]

I believe my wife is a a narcissist. After many years of believing something was dreadfully wrong with me, I finally found NPD as an answer to what has become of our family. We are currently in marital therapy which really isn't working (she is not committed to the therapy of course) and on the verge of seperation. We have 3 wonderful boys, 14, 12 and 8. Since I researched NPD I am actually feeling some resignation finally about or marriage --- even if she committed to saving it now, not sure I would want to continue to put myself through all this unless she was willing to really fixing her/our issues, and given her NPD, don't see it happening. I could provide lots of detail about why I believe this, but what I really need now is some advice. So my need for help:

How should I interact with her as an N, both day to day and in negotiations re seperation and custody? Should I confront, appease, be non-emotional and matter of fact? Key for me is understanding what is most effective in protecting my children and my own emotional stength.

Am worried about my children and impact of an N mother, and liklihood of my getting complete custody in the long run is low. How can I mitigate the impact she has on them? It is now very easy for me to see how she is using them for her supply now more than ever . . . not very fair to them. I want to stand up for them but really don't know how, re the narcissim as she is a master manipulator and a charmer of amazing degree. If I call her on this she will obviously not see it. Also, all experts say not to place blame for the marital issues in dealing with the kids, and I don't really want them to hate their mother, but am struggling with how to help them without being direct. Please, please help.

Finally, looking ahead to likely divorce, is there a negotiating style that is optimal in dealing with N's?

Note she is seeing her own therapist, but from what she is telling me her solution from that is for her to "be happy". I think she is using this therapy to enable herself.

Thanks for any advice you have, am really in need of it.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I think you're jumping the gun a bit, Brick. You believe you see some narcissistic traits in your wife and we of course have no way of confirming or disconfirming that, but to "diagnose" her as NPD and then ask the question of how to deal with an NPD is premature. I would suggest that you deal with what is confirmed, i.e., a marriage that is on shaky ground and seemingly headed for separation, and the welfare of your children. Couples who are separating do often find it difficult to maintain civility and to focus on the welfare of the children but that should be your primary focus now. You cannot control what your wife does but you can take the high ground, if only for the sake of your children, and lead by example.

 

[forgetmenot]

Perhaps getting some therapy for you would be helpful in dealing with all that is happening also get some advice on how to help your children deal with the divorce. It is good that you want to protect them as they will need lots of love and support at this time. Councilling will help you do whats best for everyone i would think take care.