Hello I am new to this
(i did use an ivillage site a few years ago but moved n lost internet access)
I am a 35 year old male, living in Edinburgh. I am a first generation British-Indian , who has been diagnosed with Personality Disorders, Post Traumatic Stress, and (undiagnosed night terrors)
My background has been full of violence, from the way my parents, grandparents interracted, and the racism and bullying I had at school.
Firstly i suffered from age 4 onwards, night terrors, i would wake - screaming, shouting, bathed in sweat, jump from bed to run under the desk. My parents elected to send me to various "faith healers", Indian equivalent of voodo witch doctors and other individuals of this ilk.
Has such i endured various forms of what i regard has torture, being made to eat - ash from incense, various seeds, drink various concotions they said would help, wear countless "amulets", not eat particular foods, have baths with substances added to them. In addition to participating in voodo (indian) ceremonies of ritual sacrifice, and i suppose what could be shamanistic, witch doctor acts. I have had various hot n cold items placed on my skin from lit incense sticks, hot metal pokers, irons and so forth.
My folks even took me to various "religous" priests of Sikh (their faith) and Hindu individuals where i sat has people chanted, and carried in a manner to exorcise me and so forth. I have been to many Sikh and Hindu temples in India to cure.
Suffice to say nothing worked and at 15 they finally took me to a child psychatrist...but even still no real cure. My terrors stil happen but have dimmed to less shouting, more a started awakeness and rarely screaming.
Also my parents abused me - physically and mentally. I was beaten regulary, not minor slaps but actually hit with objects, held and whipped, punched, bitten, locked in the cellar without food and water for hours, made to sit outside in cold weathers. My mother cut my arm because i refused or had problems learning (punjabi), she simply picked up the knife held my arm and cut, another time she through her shoe at me the heel pierced my skull and i had to go to hospital where she told them some boys pushed me against a fence. My father has slammed me into a sofa and beaten me, until i was unable to move and was off school for weeks.
If they were fighting, and i tried to intervene so my mother was not hit , they would start on me. This continued until 16 when i hit back, i could not tell anyone for fear, and also what would happen to my younger (by 5 years) brother.
Also on a visit to India,my mothers brother, raped me. I regarded him has a hero , and has a 10 year old did not know, has he said let me show you a game cats n dogs play, we were in India for a year and i was raped and made to do sexual acts with him during that period. When i returned home i subsequently did that to my brother and other male relatives, (but only a few times....my brother has said he does not blame me for that, however when we fought i have dislocated his shoulder and nearly drowned him.)
My fathers brother in this country also has beaten me.
The mental abuse i recieved was being told i was not good enough, no indian enough, should not have been born, mad, crazy, a disgrace to them.
My school grades were good, near the top end of the class, and i was not rebellious or problematic, but had very few friends and was bullied for the colur of my skin.
At university i ended up drinkin because i was away from home and just passed to earn a lower class degree.
I have lied to everybody about my home, so no one would know the truth, avoided sports so that my bruises would not show, and in general read books, watched tv and had a very lonley childhood and also young adulthood.
In 1998, I was living in Aberdeen, Scotland where I had friends but i lied to them, and acted differently amongst one group to another and decided to tell the truth.
For one group i would be a wild part animal, drinking and dancin, to another i would be sincere, kind and understanding, it was this diversity they began to question. Plus has we grew closer i discussed my scars.
I chose to talk, firstly i destroyed my first relationship with my girlfriend, by ignoring her, not being attentive, and also found it hard to be close because i had never experienced love or affection. Also i found it hard to keep lying, and leaving abrubtly on nights out with no explanation (this where i would lie the next time and say i had met a girl and taken her back to mine for sex, when i would go home and cry because i felt lonely and unloved and found it difficult to maintain the facade of being happy.
The doctors said that I had found peace, friends and a good job which was why i sought medical help that was when in 1998 they diagnosed me:
Schizophrenic tendencies
Emotional problems
Narcissitic tendencies
Social & Anti-Scocial behaviours
Post Traumatic Stress
also i have been advised recently that it is likely I suffer emotional mood swings because i am born different and that my neural network is wired different and it is why i have felt odd, isolated as a child and find it hard to handle my emotions. They go from the extremes as in total love or hate, rather than in the middle as most people do. I crave acceptance and when i am rejected or things do nto work out i hate with full prejudice and violent rage.
In 1998 - i began to see counsellors and other medical indivuduals, I have been on anti-depressants, mood caliming, pills, sleeping tablets, beta blockers, been in emergency overnight wards and have spent 7 years being referred from one place to another.
Finally I have found real help but at a price.
This "healin" process has cost me my friends bcause i have shouted at them, sent abusive emails, drunken phonecalls - berating them for not helping, not supporting me and generall being nasty. I have been told some of this i have done to hide them from me in case i get worse and decide to kill my self (tried and failed several times), i am ashamed of what i am and what i have done - the lies i have told, the other is i run from genuine care because i do nto know how to handle it.
My actions led to the mental abuse of the most important woman in my life, my ex girlfriend for 3 years she put up with my mood swings, angry tantrums, ignoring her, not respecting her, treating her badly and ruined 2 weddings, 2 holidays abroad, 2 hogmanys(new years in scotland), birthdays and also christmas. I have shouted at her because she "bought the wrong present, has not called, does not call me more often, walked home alone in the dark across fields, went shopping. I have even threatend to kill my self in front of her, terrorize her family.
I am told by my psychologist that these actions were because i could not handle having the one i wanted love and affection, this fills me with dread because what do i do when i act like a monster when i get the thing i have most sought. I have not been able to stop repeating my mistakes, and it is now very likely that finally losing the most important thing in my life has woken we up and kicked me in to really begining to heal.
I see my psychologist every forthnight since May of this year, i have more clarity but i did those actions, albeit at times i had no idea, and no memory of doing it, however the small parapgraph of how my i treated does not even begin to show the terror i put her through, she is gone (perhaps good for her, considering my actions) with no chance of me gaining her trust to win her back (again perhaps better for her).
But i need help which is why I am here to put a stop to my awful behaviour. When I am kind , many people have said i am wonderful and for some years i have been there for friends however much they have needed, and my ex girlfriend and friends have said i have given them happiness in my actions and gestures but still there is my nasty side.
So i ask for help, and i expect some harsh words for my behaviour, for the former i say thanks, for the latter all i can say i truly have not meant my actions, it is me - how i am wired or made to behave but i seek help in preventing me from repeating these mistakes with anyone else ever again.
I have spoken to my ex girlfriend and she says i am better and wants to be my friend, i find this hard because of my feelings for and moreso becuse of what i have done.
(i did use an ivillage site a few years ago but moved n lost internet access)
I am a 35 year old male, living in Edinburgh. I am a first generation British-Indian , who has been diagnosed with Personality Disorders, Post Traumatic Stress, and (undiagnosed night terrors)
My background has been full of violence, from the way my parents, grandparents interracted, and the racism and bullying I had at school.
Firstly i suffered from age 4 onwards, night terrors, i would wake - screaming, shouting, bathed in sweat, jump from bed to run under the desk. My parents elected to send me to various "faith healers", Indian equivalent of voodo witch doctors and other individuals of this ilk.
Has such i endured various forms of what i regard has torture, being made to eat - ash from incense, various seeds, drink various concotions they said would help, wear countless "amulets", not eat particular foods, have baths with substances added to them. In addition to participating in voodo (indian) ceremonies of ritual sacrifice, and i suppose what could be shamanistic, witch doctor acts. I have had various hot n cold items placed on my skin from lit incense sticks, hot metal pokers, irons and so forth.
My folks even took me to various "religous" priests of Sikh (their faith) and Hindu individuals where i sat has people chanted, and carried in a manner to exorcise me and so forth. I have been to many Sikh and Hindu temples in India to cure.
Suffice to say nothing worked and at 15 they finally took me to a child psychatrist...but even still no real cure. My terrors stil happen but have dimmed to less shouting, more a started awakeness and rarely screaming.
Also my parents abused me - physically and mentally. I was beaten regulary, not minor slaps but actually hit with objects, held and whipped, punched, bitten, locked in the cellar without food and water for hours, made to sit outside in cold weathers. My mother cut my arm because i refused or had problems learning (punjabi), she simply picked up the knife held my arm and cut, another time she through her shoe at me the heel pierced my skull and i had to go to hospital where she told them some boys pushed me against a fence. My father has slammed me into a sofa and beaten me, until i was unable to move and was off school for weeks.
If they were fighting, and i tried to intervene so my mother was not hit , they would start on me. This continued until 16 when i hit back, i could not tell anyone for fear, and also what would happen to my younger (by 5 years) brother.
Also on a visit to India,my mothers brother, raped me. I regarded him has a hero , and has a 10 year old did not know, has he said let me show you a game cats n dogs play, we were in India for a year and i was raped and made to do sexual acts with him during that period. When i returned home i subsequently did that to my brother and other male relatives, (but only a few times....my brother has said he does not blame me for that, however when we fought i have dislocated his shoulder and nearly drowned him.)
My fathers brother in this country also has beaten me.
The mental abuse i recieved was being told i was not good enough, no indian enough, should not have been born, mad, crazy, a disgrace to them.
My school grades were good, near the top end of the class, and i was not rebellious or problematic, but had very few friends and was bullied for the colur of my skin.
At university i ended up drinkin because i was away from home and just passed to earn a lower class degree.
I have lied to everybody about my home, so no one would know the truth, avoided sports so that my bruises would not show, and in general read books, watched tv and had a very lonley childhood and also young adulthood.
In 1998, I was living in Aberdeen, Scotland where I had friends but i lied to them, and acted differently amongst one group to another and decided to tell the truth.
For one group i would be a wild part animal, drinking and dancin, to another i would be sincere, kind and understanding, it was this diversity they began to question. Plus has we grew closer i discussed my scars.
I chose to talk, firstly i destroyed my first relationship with my girlfriend, by ignoring her, not being attentive, and also found it hard to be close because i had never experienced love or affection. Also i found it hard to keep lying, and leaving abrubtly on nights out with no explanation (this where i would lie the next time and say i had met a girl and taken her back to mine for sex, when i would go home and cry because i felt lonely and unloved and found it difficult to maintain the facade of being happy.
The doctors said that I had found peace, friends and a good job which was why i sought medical help that was when in 1998 they diagnosed me:
Schizophrenic tendencies
Emotional problems
Narcissitic tendencies
Social & Anti-Scocial behaviours
Post Traumatic Stress
also i have been advised recently that it is likely I suffer emotional mood swings because i am born different and that my neural network is wired different and it is why i have felt odd, isolated as a child and find it hard to handle my emotions. They go from the extremes as in total love or hate, rather than in the middle as most people do. I crave acceptance and when i am rejected or things do nto work out i hate with full prejudice and violent rage.
In 1998 - i began to see counsellors and other medical indivuduals, I have been on anti-depressants, mood caliming, pills, sleeping tablets, beta blockers, been in emergency overnight wards and have spent 7 years being referred from one place to another.
Finally I have found real help but at a price.
This "healin" process has cost me my friends bcause i have shouted at them, sent abusive emails, drunken phonecalls - berating them for not helping, not supporting me and generall being nasty. I have been told some of this i have done to hide them from me in case i get worse and decide to kill my self (tried and failed several times), i am ashamed of what i am and what i have done - the lies i have told, the other is i run from genuine care because i do nto know how to handle it.
My actions led to the mental abuse of the most important woman in my life, my ex girlfriend for 3 years she put up with my mood swings, angry tantrums, ignoring her, not respecting her, treating her badly and ruined 2 weddings, 2 holidays abroad, 2 hogmanys(new years in scotland), birthdays and also christmas. I have shouted at her because she "bought the wrong present, has not called, does not call me more often, walked home alone in the dark across fields, went shopping. I have even threatend to kill my self in front of her, terrorize her family.
I am told by my psychologist that these actions were because i could not handle having the one i wanted love and affection, this fills me with dread because what do i do when i act like a monster when i get the thing i have most sought. I have not been able to stop repeating my mistakes, and it is now very likely that finally losing the most important thing in my life has woken we up and kicked me in to really begining to heal.
I see my psychologist every forthnight since May of this year, i have more clarity but i did those actions, albeit at times i had no idea, and no memory of doing it, however the small parapgraph of how my i treated does not even begin to show the terror i put her through, she is gone (perhaps good for her, considering my actions) with no chance of me gaining her trust to win her back (again perhaps better for her).
But i need help which is why I am here to put a stop to my awful behaviour. When I am kind , many people have said i am wonderful and for some years i have been there for friends however much they have needed, and my ex girlfriend and friends have said i have given them happiness in my actions and gestures but still there is my nasty side.
So i ask for help, and i expect some harsh words for my behaviour, for the former i say thanks, for the latter all i can say i truly have not meant my actions, it is me - how i am wired or made to behave but i seek help in preventing me from repeating these mistakes with anyone else ever again.
I have spoken to my ex girlfriend and she says i am better and wants to be my friend, i find this hard because of my feelings for and moreso becuse of what i have done.
