Help

[Ashley-Kate]

hey all , i went to my appointemtn today and they can't keep me anymore although hospitalisation was offered i refused but in the clinic that i was there are no more places availablei crie4d the hole time durin my appointments and they noticed that my emotionnal state is really affected by my food intake. I am really down these days and they only thing i think about is why am i still alive i plan so many things now like if i dye how would i and well how many days dso i have to go without eating to be perfect to be pure to be clen as i said in french to my psychologist "je me sens sali" she was worried about my word use because as i used to refer food to just food it has turned into toxic.? i feel so week but yet so strong days that i don't eat i feel sick week but confident and proud .. i even expressed my desire to move into an appartment alone and live with my e-d alone no one telling me to eat or to stop exercising.. witch they told me today and i refused i can't i am lost in this i am soo scared .. i will be seeing a psychologist soon maybe and a nutritionnist but for me that intervention is too late as i approch the deadline i gave myself so many years a go in the beginning of my anorexia and bulimia i feel powerless and scared .. i lost this battle my body feels like it is shutting down on everything ..
yours trully
ashley
i don't know what to do besides badger the social worker

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Ashley, holding yourself to a deadline you made years ago is foolish, especially since making the deadline in the first place was ill-advised.

Whatever the deadline means to you, it can be postponed - and then postponed again - and again if necessary. What's the rush?

Wait and see your psychologist and the nutritionist.

I confess that I'm confused about your comments regarding the clinic and "they can't keep me anymore"...

 

[Eunoia]

hey ash- glad that you went to your appt. what do they suggest you do if they can't have you anymore b/c there's no space and you don't want to go into the hospital? would it be an option to just start seeing that psycholgist & nutritionist? that sounds like a good start to me, if anything, that's better than the support you have right now. hun, no intervention is ever too late. I think in life, there isn't really a "too late" when it comes to being able to change things. There might be a "later" than "sooner" but it's never too late in that there is no hope. remember what I said in my other post to you just a while ago? if you can't find any hope for yourself, be selfish, take some of theirs to hold on to. don't you want to find out why they think you can make it and what they're promising you if you just hold on a little longer? I understand what you mean w/ feeling like you made a pact w/ yourself and wanting to follow that plan b/c things seem very hopeless right now, but being able to say this standing on the outside, things don't sound hopeless- you had your appt, they are trying to help you, they offered you another option (the hospital) and you will soon work with a psychologist and nutritionist- and you still have your social worker who you can badger all that you want! also, David has a good point in that there's no rush. I know it feels like you don't want to hold on much longer or have to keep on fighting this over and over (and no one is saying it's easy) but why not try absolutely EVERY possible option? a deadline would only make sense if you did absolutely try everything in your power, but I think you still have options open. giving up will always be an option. why not try looking at some other ones, because you do have other options.

one thing I'm confused about is that you're upset that they don't have a spot for you at the clinic (which is weird considering you are going there for appt's) but then you're saying soon you'll be 18 and can then drop out of their program and be left alone so to say- that's conflicting. I think that you know that the plan that you're talking about is sort of like a last resort and a way of saying "I've had enough of this pain" but by no means is it what you are meant to do or even want to do when it comes down to it, but it seems like you might as well follow the plan, b/c you're in so much pain right now, right? but just because you made a plan in the first place doesn't mean you have to follow through with it- that's kind of the nice things about plans- you can adjust them and rework them as you go along. I don't know, I find this a weird concept to try to explain to someone without an ED b/c from the outside it may look "foolish" and like a very simple answer- not to follow the plan(s)- but I think a lot of it comes down to that really messed up sort of thinking that is so difficult to let go of. I think we realize that "intellectually" these plans, this whole ED, doesn't make sense and isn't "good" and yet part of ourselves feeds off of these plans and they're what keep the ED going and it's really difficult to get out of that without any help- hence why you really, really need to let other people help you, even if it's not exactly what you thought they would give you... you are not powerles in this. you are a really strong girl even if it doesn't feel like it, b/c you have been through so much and yet you are still holding on, even if you're scared. and you know what? there's nothing wrong w/ being scared. I'm scared Ashley. it's to be expected. I think the key is to let people help you though.... the reality is you can't fix yourself, I can't fix myself, but we can reach out to those people who can help us, whatever that means. if for you that means working w/ the psychologist & nutritionist or reconsidering the hospital then that's maybe just what you have to do.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

a bit of a clarificationnon the clinic.. there is only 5 places for the day programme i only go for fallow -ups and then leave and the clinic is for ages 12 to 18 so by the time one of the girls is released i will be turning 18 or already have turned 18.
yours trully
ashley