I have 3 children ages 25, 19 and 17. Their mother and I are divorced and live in separate towns. My oldest son moved away from his mother's home years ago. The second one is a boy and is still in school and lives with her. The youngest is a girl and is a junior in high school and lives at home. The issue right now is with my daughter.
When she was about 10 years old I noticed that she was prone to hysterics, but I thought it was a pre-teen stage and that she would grow out of it. These meltdowns were usually on a phone call during which she would cry and tell me things like she had no friends, everyone hated her, she was stupid, ugly and not a nice person. It probably happened once or twice a year. About a year ago they got worse and more frequent.
They start with some kind of argument between her and her mother and escalate until they both start calling and texting me. My oldest son went through a period like this from about age 15 until almost 18. The pattern is almost identical except my daughter has now started threatening suicide. She has already spent 4 days as an inpatient in the Adolescent Psychiatric Ward of a hospital and she now sees a therapist. I was hoping the worst was over, but tonight she had another meltdown - less than 2 months since the last one which landed her in the hospital.
She was so hysterical on the phone tonight that I could not completely understand what she was saying, but I picked up enough of it to understand the gist:
- everybody hates me
- I keep trying to be a good person, but I can't
- I hate myself
- I am in pain (physical - from mouth ulcers)
- nobody understands me
- mom lies and won't listen to me
- I'm through, done, finished, and I am telling you goodbye
Her mother told me tonight that she was throwing and breaking things, screaming at her and her brother and step-sister, and threatening to leave home. The last time it went on for over a day and resulted in a hospitalization. (a decision I disagreed with, but it wasn't my call)
Usually I just listen to both of them and offer to do anything I can to help. When I make that offer neither of them can come up with anything specific except that my ex-wife wants me to talk to my daughter. Tonight I told them both I won't talk to either of them or try to parent long distance until they both calm down. My ex-wife hung up on me with the statement, "well, I hope nothing bad happens to her tonight."
Maybe this is typical of divorced families, but I don't seem to be able to have a close relationship with my daughter while she is living with her mother. Same thing happened with my oldest son. I've just now begun to rebuild a relationship with him because he is on his own.
Am I right to think that I may help my daughter more by doing less - by being less involved? Am I the problem? (And I say that not truly believing that I am a bad person, but more because of the dynamics of a divorced family that makes it very difficult for both parents to be close to their children.)
I wonder if it is typical for one divorced parent to become jealous/envious of the relationship of children with the other parent. Is that part of what is going on with my daughter just like my son before?
When she was about 10 years old I noticed that she was prone to hysterics, but I thought it was a pre-teen stage and that she would grow out of it. These meltdowns were usually on a phone call during which she would cry and tell me things like she had no friends, everyone hated her, she was stupid, ugly and not a nice person. It probably happened once or twice a year. About a year ago they got worse and more frequent.
They start with some kind of argument between her and her mother and escalate until they both start calling and texting me. My oldest son went through a period like this from about age 15 until almost 18. The pattern is almost identical except my daughter has now started threatening suicide. She has already spent 4 days as an inpatient in the Adolescent Psychiatric Ward of a hospital and she now sees a therapist. I was hoping the worst was over, but tonight she had another meltdown - less than 2 months since the last one which landed her in the hospital.
She was so hysterical on the phone tonight that I could not completely understand what she was saying, but I picked up enough of it to understand the gist:
- everybody hates me
- I keep trying to be a good person, but I can't
- I hate myself
- I am in pain (physical - from mouth ulcers)
- nobody understands me
- mom lies and won't listen to me
- I'm through, done, finished, and I am telling you goodbye
Her mother told me tonight that she was throwing and breaking things, screaming at her and her brother and step-sister, and threatening to leave home. The last time it went on for over a day and resulted in a hospitalization. (a decision I disagreed with, but it wasn't my call)
Usually I just listen to both of them and offer to do anything I can to help. When I make that offer neither of them can come up with anything specific except that my ex-wife wants me to talk to my daughter. Tonight I told them both I won't talk to either of them or try to parent long distance until they both calm down. My ex-wife hung up on me with the statement, "well, I hope nothing bad happens to her tonight."
Maybe this is typical of divorced families, but I don't seem to be able to have a close relationship with my daughter while she is living with her mother. Same thing happened with my oldest son. I've just now begun to rebuild a relationship with him because he is on his own.
Am I right to think that I may help my daughter more by doing less - by being less involved? Am I the problem? (And I say that not truly believing that I am a bad person, but more because of the dynamics of a divorced family that makes it very difficult for both parents to be close to their children.)
I wonder if it is typical for one divorced parent to become jealous/envious of the relationship of children with the other parent. Is that part of what is going on with my daughter just like my son before?
