Hey

[NeedaName]

Not sure what to tell you. Things come up that make me think I should go to therapy. I have young children who can tell me what they're feeling. I find it difficult to match a name to my feelings.

My mother was convinced I was autistic because I wasn't talking, avoided eye contact and lacked facial expressions when I was 3. The dr sent me to speech therapy. Around 5, my speech therapist concluded that I had known how to talk all along, I just didn't want to. People tried to get me to talk. I remember lying to get them to stop. "I don't know." "I lost it." "What?" was my favourite. No explanations are necessary after the second or third time. I didn't have to listen and then I didn't have to talk.

At 11, I was diagnosed with Auditory Processing Disorder.

I suspect I may not be connecting properly with my husband and kids. I'm not close to my parents and sisters; and I don't want to be. But this feels wrong.

I feel a lot of stress, always have. But a large chunk of it, I'm not really sure where it's coming from.

I swing back and forth between going to therapy or not. It's a lot of talking and the first issue is money. I'm not even sure I know exactly what I'm thinking or feeling, so I'm not sure how honest I could be with a therapist. It might just be a waste of everyone's time.

Anyway, I'm browsing the forum and reading. The email said to give an introduction. I thought about it and that seems relevant.

 

[making_art]

Welcome NeedaName :hello:

Glad you found the forum and introduced yourself!

 

[Cat Dancer]

Welcome to Psychlinks.

 

[Retired]

Welcome to the Forum! Hope you find some information that can help you as well as some support that might provide some relief.

Let us know how we can help.

 

[W00BY]

Hi,
I am new to this site too.
It sounds like your pressuring yourself and not really sure why. You seem to feel you should be connecting with people (who are important to you) in a different way to how you feel you are?

There may be alternatives to one to one therapy for instance group therapy?

Only you will know when your ready for therapy and all I can say about your predicament (having a son who suffers similar problems to yourself) is everyone has an opinion on what you should be doing and if your not doing that they also have an opinion about why this is too.

Think about what you want, what makes you happy, if your not happy why not and what could be done to resolve this and certainly do more of what makes you happy, being a parent and a partner is important but you can be not effective in either role if ultimately your not happy with yourself.

I hope this site helps you find some of the answers and clarity you are looking for.

 

[rdw]

Welcome!

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi welcome to Psychlinks

 

[NeedaName]

Thanks for the greetings!

@Wooby - No one is pressuring me to seek counselling. Sometimes I think I'm not happy, but it can't be that bad. I'm coping. Then I see my kids modelling their behaviour on their parents. I don't always like the controlled behaviour they model off me.

Example: I read that women cry on average 5 times a month. I cried when I had gallstone attacks, but I wouldn't just let myself cry without a reason. I see my oldest copying me and I don't like it. Example: I quit smoking 10 years ago and started clenching my jaw. I do it whenever I'm tense or in pain. Now it's causing me pain and I'm being referred to a specialist. I don't even notice when I do it or have the awareness to say that I'm feeling stress. I will need to find new ways to deal with stress, starting with recognizing it when I'm feeling it.

There are more examples. But these are the ones I'm willing to share. I'm not sure if group therapy is a good idea. I can keep events straight stating facts, they don't change on me. Subjective with an audience, I'll make anything up to end my turn as quickly as possible. And I'm terrible at listening to sad stories. If it's making me feel sad, I find I zone out and stop listening. It's disrespectful and I worry about doing that to other people.

 

[AmZ]

Welcome

 

[W00BY]

Thanks for clearing up your feelings a bit more...

It comes across now that your just worrying more than anything?

Have you always worried about yourself and those around you?

By that I mean did you worry as a child or is it something that has started in adulthood?

 

[NeedaName]

Thanks for clearing up your feelings a bit more...

It comes across now that your just worrying more than anything?

Have you always worried about yourself and those around you?

By that I mean did you worry as a child or is it something that has started in adulthood?

As a general rule, I only worried about me as a kid.

Interacting with people stressed me out as a kid. My words were wrong and people lost patience because I took too long to say them. Often my own words were the material used against me in anger or jest. It's wiser to keep silent than to arm people with your own words.

 

[forgetmenot]

It's wiser to keep silent than to arm people with your own words.

Boy can i relate to this line hun i hate words and i hate people who use words to attack I too learned that silence was always a way to keep one safer

It is hard even today to have a voice as fear gets in the way of allowing me to have one but in order to heal we must find that voice again hun The people that harm us with their words or our very own are not worth anything hun.

We cannot allow these people to keep control of us someday we will have to just say hell with them and be who we are hugs

 

[NeedaName]

Boy can i relate to this line hun i hate words and i hate people who use words to attack I too learned that silence was always a way to keep one safer

It is hard even today to have a voice as fear gets in the way of allowing me to have one but in order to heal we must find that voice again hun The people that harm us with their words or our very own are not worth anything hun.

We cannot allow these people to keep control of us someday we will have to just say hell with them and be who we are hugs

Your words are guarded too? I've learned how to talk without really saying anything at all. Just enough words to satisfy people, but very little of substance.

 

[forgetmenot]

I too use words just enough to get what needed to be said.
I also am learning what to say and what not to say and how to say it.
I keep a lot of words inside me for fear i say wrong thing and sometimes i feel these words i keep inside are not really my word does that make sense?

If i feel threatened which i do often i just go into silent mode i hide away same old pattern as what was learned I hate it when i let people harm me
Sometimes like you said they use words our words to harm us and those words hurt the most

Do you find that you tend to listen more i find that and it was the way i learned who to trust not to trust

 

[NeedaName]

I too use words just enough to get what needed to be said.
I also am learning what to say and what not to say and how to say it.
I keep a lot of words inside me for fear i say wrong thing and sometimes i feel these words i keep inside are not really my word does that make sense?

If i feel threatened which i do often i just go into silent mode i hide away same old pattern as what was learned I hate it when i let people harm me
Sometimes like you said they use words our words to harm us and those words hurt the most

Do you find that you tend to listen more i find that and it was the way i learned who to trust not to trust

I'm pretty sure the words on the tip of my tongue are the wrong words to say. I can stand up for myself, until it's my family. Then I just want distance.

I know I was difficult to deal with when I was small. My sisters seemed to understand sharing and empathy a whole lot more quickly than I did. I only seemed to have one facial expression. Determined. Generally, my face lacks expression, so it gives everyone the impression that nothing fazes me. And I'm not inclined to admit when I've been hurt. It's easier to give my apologies and go home early.

I'm not sure anyone can truly be trusted. My husband is the closest I get to completely trusting someone. It's best to always watch my words.

 

[W00BY]

You (to me having a son with quite profound communication issues) have found ways to cope within first of all, your family as a child and then the wider world.

The way you speak about your difficulties considering what you have described them as is very adept.

I know from trawling through information to understand my sons difficulties that even the slightest of communicative skills like recognizing facial expressions and what they mean or responding in a way that the other person perceives as appropriate can be incredibly stressful and difficult. And what many can do without even thinking about it can be a tiring and difficult thing to do when interacting with others.

My son rather than withdraw conversationally becomes very angry and frustrated so he tends to have outbursts which unless you know him and what is wrong with him seem totally misplaced and to some people down right rude.

My son is aware of his limitations and difficulties which I feel in some ways makes it harder as there is almost preemptive behavior to situations that are difficult and certainly anxiety and stress.

You are able to describe you difficulties very well and even your difficulties in childhood are put across brilliantly.

There are several theories psychologically that may be of use to you that theorize on behavior learned in childhood to cope with difficulties and carried into adulthood that then become problematic for us as adult life is very different to being a child.

Off the top of my head I can think of Transactional Analysis and Cognitive Behavioral of which there is resources on this site. However there are more of which I am sure the likes of David Baxter would be able to suggest.

I have a sensation of you being hard on yourself if not over critical (maybe a learned behavior?)

Finally I (from reading your posts) feel you have coped remarkably well and still are.

I wish I could have a conversation with my son about his difficulties and him be able to communicate as you do. I know people who are supposedly completely "normal" without any diagnosis who are nowhere as able as you are at describing difficulties encountered, how they feel about them, how they cope or things they would like to change.

 

[NeedaName]

It's not difficult communicating in the written word. It's when I'm trying to listen that I'm translating words into thoughts and then translating my thoughts into words. I get the impression that other people think in full sentences 2.0 and I'm thinking in concepts and images instead of actual words. Like the ESL students, not as stupid as I appeared but unable to prove it. There's a whole lot to filter out.

I'm interested in learning better coping mechanisms.

I don't think I'm hard on myself. It's a fact, I wasn't a nice kid. I ignored other kids unless I had use for them and rejected them when I was done. I wasn't even subtle. Kids were more forgiving than I deserved. If they'd compared notes they could have started a club like the No Homers Club and it would have been a wise move. Eventually I learned better, but it was a painful lesson.

I don't know anything about your son, but I'm 32 years old. I'm sure I've grown a good deal since I was 18.

I'll take a look at the Transactional Analysis and Cognitive Behaviour this evening.

 

[W00BY]

Just while I was sitting thinking another theory that you may actually like to have a look at is Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (R.E.B.T) I should have put that in my other post but since I put the books down everything I learned seems to have floated off somewhere!

• 
  

 

[NeedaName]

Where do I look for information on Transactional Analysis? I searched on here, but didn't see anything comprehensive on it.

---------- Post Merged at 01:04 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 12:30 AM ----------

I see TA and reparenting is on the forums. Don't know about TA, but I'm not reparenting. I'm not hugging a therapist. I'm sure they're lovely people, but hugs and cuddles aren't happening. Inner child? I have find the idea difficult to take seriously.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. If I'm understanding this right, I'd need to look at my initial thoughts. Isn't thinking a fluid experience? It's a bunch of emotions, memories and concepts. Hard to hit the pause button and figure out what happened first. Are you able to do that? Is this like those word association tests? Because I feel like I lie on every answer because I'm really not sure what word I associate with it, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't the word I just said.

I've been sick for a few days sleeping at weird times. So I'll be up reading the last suggestion.

---------- Post Merged at 01:14 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 12:30 AM ----------

REBT looks straight forward.

Don't Therapists pick the therapy?

 

[W00BY]

Here's a couple of links to get you started

There are a lot of resources out there and some good books too T.A is mainly credited to Eric Berne

I generally start by googling and then hone in on stuff on google books etc

itaaworld.org/

changingminds.org

Transactional Analysis - As originated by Dr. Eric Berne


---------- Post Merged at 08:10 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 08:06 AM ----------

Some therapies are more demanding than others some you are expected to perform homework and exercises and others are more lead by you and where you want to go.

I found psychotherapy was needed after doing CBT for a while as I had so much unresolved stuff from childhood and whilst unstructured it has given me the space to explore what I needed at the pace I needed.

Some people crave structure others it's the last thing they want when dealing with a therapist and that is why both approach and therapist are important and can make a huge difference in how well you will get on in therapy.

---------- Post Merged at 09:57 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 08:06 AM ----------

You have to have a think about what aspects of yourself you want to work on.

Thinking whilst yes it is fluid happens on several levels depending on what theory you are looking at it from and all thinking is effected by emotions, actions etc

Many people go into therapy thinking it is one problem they have and want to work on to find that actually it is totally different things that end up being not only the focus of the sessions but also the reasons for behaviors that only came to light during the sessions.

I have learned through therapy and some very harsh experiences as a parent recently, that there is no single answer.

Whilst I tend to look for a single reason and therefore a nice neat box to put the single reason in and then wrap it up in a nice answer bow, it is actually several things in conjunction, some more influential than others and that the answer is not actually an answer of sorts just a different way to think about the situation and a few new things to try - to try and resolve the issue.