• Quote of the Day
    "It is only too easy to compel a sensitive human being to feel guilty about anything."
    Morton Irving Seiden, posted by Daniel

Hunter

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So with my history of sexual abuse from the age of 11 to the age of 30...horrific emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. Well my husband's cardiologist has given him the ok to have sex using Viagra. He has had erectile dysfunction for the past 17 years. We were able to have sex for the first 6 years of our relationship until his diabetes caused his erectile dysfunction..and the sex was unbearable. I kept having flashbacks of being raped so I could never ever enjoy it. Why after 17 years does he want sex. He says having ED makes him feel less of a man and I know it does. I always felt so much better and safer not having sex. He says he feels he is denying me pleasure. Trust me he's not. I talked to my therapist today who says I have to set some boundaries. My husband knows nothing of my history of sexual abuse and he will never know. My therapist said I should say that I've lost my sex drive which is also true..as I have never had a sex drive since the abuse. The first 6 years where my husband was able to have sex...the horrible flashbacks caused me so much turmoil. I know my husband and I need to discuss this but...not sure how. (And to add my husband does not see his female friend anymore.
 

David Baxter

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Why do you say "my husband will never know"?

It would certainly make it a lot easier for him to understand why this is a problem for you.

Are you worried that he will react badly to learning this?
 

Daniel

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Why after 17 years does he want sex. He says having ED makes him feel less of a man and I know it does. I always felt so much better and safer not having sex. He says he feels he is denying me pleasure.

In the US, or at least in the Phoenix area, there are daily commercials about ED -- from local ED clinics during the six o'clock news/dinner hour. So one aspect, at least here, is that the marketers are trying to make it an issue if it wasn't a topic of conversation already. From a feminist perspective, the men are often victims of this marketing since a goal of the marketing is to make them feel "less than" in order to motivate them to buy the products or services.
 
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Hunter

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Why do you say "my husband will never know"?

It would certainly make it a lot easier for him to understand why this is a problem for you.

Are you worried that he will react badly to learning this?
I just fear that he will treat me differently or love me less. He thinks that I am perfect and always says that. I am so far from being perfect.
 

David Baxter

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Nobody is perfect.

But the abuse wasn't something you did. It was something that was done to you. It doesn't lessen you as a person in any way. You were the victim, not the perpetrator.

I think you should give him a chance to prove that to you.
 

Daniel

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