History repeating itself

[Jazzey]

I found out yesterday that a young cousin of mine has finally revealed that she is/ was abused. I'm struggling with it. I've spent most of the night talking to family members about it all.

I'm stuck between feeling selfish and wanting them to spare me the conversation, the empathy that I never got when I went through it..and wanting to help in any way that I can.

Last night was a long night for me. And today isn't fairing much better. I don't know what to do. It's affecting me. And I'm just maybe at a loss. What do I do? Do I shut that conversation off from myself and feel selfish? Or do I entertain it despite what it's doing to me? I don't know.

 

[Daniel E.]

Is she still being abused? In any case, is she getting therapy?

Regarding your own thinking, it sounds like ruminating that mostly isn't helpful anyway.

 

[Jazzey]

thank you, Daniel. She's not talking to me. I suspect she is still being abused, she's 18 yrs old. I'm getting information from her aunt. And no, she's not in therapy, she's only now admitted to the sexual abuse. She says it started at 2.

All of my information is from someone else. So I really can't answer that. I've asked her before and she denied. She's finally admitted. I'm happy about that. That she's finally talking. She's still living with the abuser. And I just want her out of that house.

 

[Daniel E.]

So has anyone offered her housing? I assume she would turn it down anyway, at least at this point.

---------- Post added at 12:47 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:31 PM ----------

Anyway, it seems you have already done a lot of brainstorming about this issue with your family. And it seems there is nothing you can really do anyway, at least directly. So I would suggest trying not to worry about it until you see your therapist next. Let your therapist worry about it

 

[Jazzey]

Yes, she has housing away from him. And you guessed right, she's turned it down. I've offered to take her in as well, but I know she'll say no, and I understand.

For the time being, he doesn't know she's disclosed.....she wants to keep it that way for now. I get it.

thanks Daniel.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Wow... I agree that just to offer yourself as an understanding shoulder to lean on for now is all you can do, and definitely talk to your therapist as soon as you can.

I recently found my abuser online on FB, and it freaked me out. He is a relative and I could never find him before. I didn't know where he was. What I was going to ask him was if he still was abusing other children. I wanted him to give me his word he doesn't do it anymore. My therapist says for now I should not be responsible for HIM, I should be responsible for myself. I need to get me looked after before I can even start to think about dealing with him. Like you I feel someone conflicted... But at the same time if I did find the courage to confront him, he could just feed me a bunch of lies anyway. Or block me. It would be futile to try to find out anything that might be true in this manner.

Hopefully that gives you some perspective. My thinking is that if this situation brings up old feelings and anxieties, and there are already other people aware of the situation who are in the process of getting her help, let them do their thing. You need help to deal with your situation just as much as she does in hers... *hugs*

 

[Jazzey]

Thank you, Jolly. Her father was my abuser. I'm not sure how to process all of this. I have a call into my therapist but, can't see the therapist for about a mon...Early November.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Oh crap, that really sucks that you have to wait that long. Anyone outside of this situation that you can get support from then until you can see your therapist?

Anything you can do for self-help in the meantime, other than getting directly involved?

Any self-help books or meditation or relaxation techniques that you can utilize?

 

[Jazzey]

Yes, thank you. I have some good coping skills now. I'll be ok.

---------- Post added at 07:37 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:52 PM ----------

Just wanted to say thanks again...thanks for listening guys. I'm panicking little. I want to help her and the thing is really freaking me out....Trying to just relax. And I'm not sure I have anything to offer anymore. Not for this topic. I go blank when I think about this topic.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

I don't blame you. It might be wise to let yourself go blank if you think of it, and try your best not to think of it (I know it's hard because when a person tries to avoid thinking about it then it keeps popping back into your head)... Try to cope and distract yourself from it until you can at least talk to your therapist. If you can't stop thinking on it, journal it, or write stuff here, but don't let that stuff circulate and percolate in your mind.

Maybe write a short story about how you are the prosecutor in the case and the bad-guy gets thrown in jail... You are protecting the rights of your 18-year-old cousin.

You are telling the judge and jury what happened, and why it's got to stop, and what's got to happen to the accused.

Suddenly the scene shifts and you are sitting in your cousin's chair, and you are now the one sitting fearfully the one on the stand. But as you watch your lawyer pace around the front of the courtroom, you see that you have nothing to fear... For defending you is all your heroes rolled up into one...

Clint Eastwood turns and faces the accused: "Do you feel lucky? Do ya, punk?" His features shift and he turns into your 11th grade English Teacher, quoting Shakespeare: Cowards die many times before their deaths... The valiant never taste of death but once." Her features change again and now it's Gandhi turning to look at you and saying, "Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will."

Suddenly the scene shifts again and it's you defending your cousin again, and you know you are going to win this case. Your cousin's features shift again, and it's you again sitting where she was seconds ago, on the stand again, looking at your lawyer-self with a cocky grin on your face. Your lawyer-self is looking back at your self in the stand and winks. You think, Oh yeah, we got this one in the bag.

And then you wake up feeling relaxed and calm...

Well, your name isn't "Displaced" for nothing, right? *wink*

 

[Yuray]

Calling the police sounds like a good start.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

I really don't know what I would do in this situation. My situation was a big mess. I didn't come out and tell my parents until about 15 years later and my parents didn't even think about calling the police. In fact my mother was the police... She practically shone a light in my face and asked me to describe what my abuser did to me and where and when. And then she hugged me and told me she loved me. Then she told my dad to hug me. Then later on she told me that his advances on me were probably my fault (although my therapist begs to differ on this)...

That would have been my first thought. I would hope the family makes her feel safe enough to do that. From the little bit I've gleaned from this thread, it sounds like she might be in danger or feels threatened/afraid of her abuser if the police just jump in. It sounds like the family are trying to get her away from the house before they take any action like that.

 

[Jazzey]

thank you, Jolly...I've read your post.

I'm actually being sued right now, for defamation of character. It's long, it's complicated...And I'm tired I guess. The accused...in my story line...he's won. Time and time again..he's won. And right now, I'm waiving the white flag. I am defeated, and angry. I'm focusing on stuff that feels wrong. I can't grieve what I want to grieve because of a-holes...I'm tired.

You know...thank you Jolly. I had to take a deep breath to read this, but I feel your strength. So, thank you. I hope I can kind've adopt some members' strength. right now, I'm finding it tough to care...

I talk a big game sometimes..but if I'm really frank, I'm a wimp....I'm tired. I haven't eaten in three days...I look at that and get that I'm slowly sinking again...still paddling tho...I'll resurface.

All this to say...thank you, Jolly. I'm really wanting to feel that strength from you...I do appreciate it.

---------- Post added at 08:11 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:37 AM ----------

My cousin is now out of that home. I feel better about it.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Well that's awesome that your cousin is safe. Hopefully family will now call the police and hopefully she'll be open to seeking therapy...

I am sorry to hear you are having it so rough, Displaced. I don't think you're a wimp. You've been through a lot and you're still here. That counts for something.

If your abuser and your cousin's was the same, would you go to the stand on her behalf? Would you find the strength?

You can PM me if you want to tell me more about the defamation suit, but if you are comfortable to post it, I would like to know how it goes for you. You don't have to explain anything about the suit if you don't want, just let us know how you're doing.

 

[Jazzey]

Well that's awesome that your cousin is safe. Hopefully family will now call the police and hopefully she'll be open to seeking therapy...

I am sorry to hear you are having it so rough, Displaced. I don't think you're a wimp. You've been through a lot and you're still here. That counts for something.

Thank you Jolly. I'm ok today. Forcing myself to go and spend some time with friends, stop thinking for a while.

If your abuser and your cousin's was the same, would you go to the stand on her behalf? Would you find the strength?

Absolutely. I've filed a police report against him. And my little cousin knows it. Right now, other family members are putting road blocks to the reporting though. Her uncle, who's a lawyer, is already threatening her....know that tactic well..

You can PM me if you want to tell me more about the defamation suit, but if you are comfortable to post it, I would like to know how it goes for you. You don't have to explain anything about the suit if you don't want, just let us know how you're doing.

So far, I've hired a lawyer. I don't really deal with it much, Jolly. I'm leaving it with the lawyer. My lawyer has said that he doesn't see much of a case there. I think it was just a way to threaten me? And now that his daughter has come forward, I wonder if he'll even pursue it...I don't know.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

OOooooh! Now, I see... The abuser is trying to sue you for defamation. Well that makes sense. He's desperate to intimidate, and distract, and blame someone else... What else would he do? Of course he can't admit that he actually did abuse someone, because he's not thinking of anyone else, just himself... Sounds like something my mom does when she's losing an argument... Pulls everything she can off the shelf. Pretty soon you don't know what the original argument was about and suddenly it's all about how we're so mean to her, and oh poor her... lol Classic maneuver!

Yeah, I bet he will drop it. What a jerk.

 

[Jazzey]

...I did exactly what I knew I'd do...I cancelled all my plans. I can't leave my home and I'm completely panicked. I can't seem to stop the thoughts. And I'm freaking out.

I don't know how to slow those thoughts down, to stop them.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Well, I'm completely useless, because I can't help you from here... Other than saying I might feel the same way if the same thing was happening here... Is there anyone you can talk to or who you could have over who could help ground you a bit?

You are safe in your home, and the abuser is currently in custody, yes?

 

[Jazzey]

I am ok. I just panicked for a bit.