Hobbies and interests... seeking answers when I don't even know the question

[betteringoneself]

Hi all,

hope you are well, this is the first time I've ever done something like this before. Reached out in the hope of either understanding my predicament better or perhaps offering me a solution to a situation that I've flagged up myself for some time now, so it is now time for me to address it. I would think that this type of query is not something that falls into this forum much, maybe because it isn't recognised as an issue, but hey let's see where this goes and I'll know soon enough.

I'm 43 with 4 great children and in a fairly stable environment where we've had our ups and downs as most parents do. I have no dark skeletons to reveal about myself really, our relationship is strong between myself and my wife and I have no vices to consider. I don't smoke, don't drink and have never taken drugs. Most of my life I have considered myself to be want to be older and more responsible so have tended to shy away from any 'antics' as being hedonistic just isn't me, I suppose if you were to corner me I would agree that I am fairly safe, I'm happy with that and don't have a problem with it.

My 'issue' if if I can call it that is that I wish I had a hobby or serious interest that I felt passionate about. All my friends and work colleagues have interests that they really can get into, whether it's motor cross, rugby, football, polo, writing and I envy them sometimes. I envy the commitment that they have for their passions. I watch and follow my friends as they give up their time and dedicate themselves to their interests, those wet evenings after work maybe running in readiness for a marathon, coaching the local football team on wet days.

I just don't have that spark for anything that much and I wonder whether there is something not wired up properly in me. I have a good specialised job working in banks and firms within risk management and I mix with people who are go getters and are successful so I can safely say my job isn't preventing me from having a hobbie. I like swimming, going to the gym, cycling, reading and following current affairs, however none I could say I have a passion for. Having thought about it a lot over the last few months I am conscious that I feel that besides my job and my family I'm just a consumer. Happy to watch tv, go out for meals, socialise but I don't have that extra vocation as I don't seem to have the passion to take whatever I like to the next level.

Take my cycling for example, I enjoy it to burn off calories and a bit of exercise but I don't feel the burning need for it to be taken further. I don't take part in many team sports as I'm generally not that talented. (In my opinion anyway).

I feel as though if I had a good hobbie to interest me it would make my life generally more complete, I cannot work out whether I can get that spark to excel in something. It might seem odd labelling myself as a consumer but that's how I feel and as a result I feel a bit of an under achiever, what I would like to understand is how I need to change my thinking to give my life more purpose.

Well there you go, is there any hope for me. Haha,

Look forward to your thoughts, happy to discuss further if necessary,
Cheers,

Stu, Mr Consumer

 

[Retired]

Welcome Stu, and thank you for creating an interesting topic, that is near to my heart. I've made an avocation out out working at hobbies and often found that my job used to sometimes get in the way of my hobbies.

I don't know if you can suddenly adopt a hobby from the usual selection of choices, because it's not the way it worked for me. Throughout my life, I developed interests in various pursuits that led me to develop a variety of skills.

Several of my hobbies were of the creative kind such as pencil drawing, oil painting and carving. My carving hobby, that I continue to practice came about serendipitously when I acquired a Dremel tool for a carpentry project. I began experimenting with the Dremel on various materials I had around the house to see what it could do, and when I tried it on a piece of Corian (the stuff used for countertops) I found I could carve corian into interesting shapes....and a hobby was born.

I've also had interests in music and electronics, so I operated an amateur radio station for years....which led to my interest in moderating and administering online forums.

I guess what I'm saying is that you need to explore your interests and ask yourself, if I had a magic wand to do something I would really have fun with, what would that be? ...and from that pursue that interest to make it a reality.

So I'll ask you, " if you had a magic wand to do something I would really have fun with, what would that be?" Allow your imagination to soar and fantasize about skills, talents or areas of interest you might have.

What have you come up with, Stu?

 

[bloodwood]

Hi Stu,
As usual Steve offers good wisdom. I would add a couple of things.

Your second paragraph makes me think of my girlfriend. She is very responsible, motivate and dedicated. In the last decade she has found it harder and harder to grant herself permission for leisure and interests. If she tries she can feel a bit guilty for letting her hair down so-to-speak.

Do you need to grant yourself formal permission for a tiny bit of hedonistic antics. By that I mean we can teach ourselves a prudent mindset and become tenacious about maintaining that stance for the good of our lifestyle and dependents. You're are a daddy, a husband and a risk management banker type guy with go-getters and all of this requires an intense level of maturity, focus and seriousness. No Wackiness please.
You say you would like a serious interest or hobby. What about a relaxed fun interest? Would that be OK for you. Sometimes we have to unlearn our guarded responsible stance just a tiny bit.

I hate sports. Playing watching or discussing. So these interests would not suit me. But I do still try some sport things and once in a while find something I could come to like. Also there is an immersion period to adapt to any new format. A learning curve to get past the newness and into the comfortable fun part. Have you tried out some of your friend's interest for a period of time?

Personally I do much better with solitary creative interests. As Steve says, try things. Was there something you thought you would like to take up when you were younger? An art, an instrument, an activity? I tried remote control planes for a bit. I got into motorcycling, hiking, woodworking. I have done charity work and helped out in theatre. Sports is just a tiny subset and may or may not be your thing.

You work with go-getters and those poor folk believe you must take everything to the next level or you aren't doing it right - what an unhealthy reality. If you find cycling pleasant then that may be enough for you without going to the next level. For gosh sakes you have a very responsibly job, four great kids and a wonderful wife. Now just grant your self permission to play around at an interest at your own darn pace and on your own terms.
Don't require your interest to be a demanding challenge, let it be a gentle stimulating diversion like your reading and TV time.

 

[CrystalDreamer59]

Hi this is just my opinion but it sounds like you have been conforming too much to what other people expect of you and that is why you have a hard time finding a hobby you like, which I imagine really can make you feel incomplete. You even labeled yourself as a consumer rather then a doer. It can be hard to break away from society's expectations of you especially since society is larger and stronger then the individual. Even I have trouble sometimes with this. As for finding a hobby that you are passionate about I believe that who we are is whoever we want to be and that who we are can constantly change. I have noticed a lot has changed for me over just the past few months and I imagine things will continue to change for me over the years, but then again I'm 23 so I'm probably going to be changing faster then you. Since we are constantly changing and are whoever we want to be when thinking about finding a passion think about what is it you would really like to do with your life even if it's something that goes against the norm of society. Also take into consideration any talents you might have. If you are unsure of your talents and what you like experiment. Try different things. Take a break from the routine. However for me my passion has always been a no brainer. Since I was really young I liked art of all sorts and have always had a talent in arts even though I didn't always understand why I had this talent other then genetics and encouragement as a child. Now that I understand why I have this talent I have become even more passionate about it to the point I want to spend more time focusing on my art then other stuff I'm also interested in.

 

[HotthenCold]

Recognizing you're not happy just being a consumer is a big step, believe it or not. Many people never consciously admit such a thing to themselves, so congratulations on that. I like what Steve said about just letting your imagination run wild.

I'm in a similar situation, so I know how difficult it can be to "find your passion". Lately I've been wondering if the whole notion of having a passion that you're destined for is all a big lie, and the real situation is that there are numerous paths might interest us which we can become proficient in, and then become passionate about. Sort of like a small fire that grows in to a larger one once you have had some good experiences with it.

I'd say just work to accept that you're in a discovery phase, and realize the beauty of such an open ended time in your life. Again, like Steve said, just try a bunch of stuff, you don't have to commit, just follow any crazy idea you have.

Ultimately it's up to us to create meaning in our lives, so good luck and enjoy your quest!:goodluck: