Holding myself accountable

[gooblax]

This post is really just a placemarker, instead of paying any attention to that part of what I'm feeling and thinking. I'm acknowledging the urge, but holding myself accountable to not act on it by putting it here where it can be seen.

I don't know what to do long term, but maybe long term doesn't matter. I haven't actually self harmed in a couple of years really, but it was never a long term decision... Just a lot of short term ones not to do it, gradually requiring less persuasion each time on average. Perhaps I've just come across an outlier at the moment that doesn't want to fit the pattern.

I wasn't planning on asking any questions here, but how do you tell if you've got things all under control on your own, or if you need help with stuff? It's sometimes difficult for me to tell where I'm at.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I think going day to day is good, I mean not making long term goals, but if you feel overwhelmed by urges then getting help would be good. Like they're just getting to be too much and consuming you.

 

[gooblax]

I'm struggling with this again. It seems like it would be the only satisfactory response to how I'm feeling. A way to get rid of this anxious sensation or at least give it what it wants for awhile.

It's difficult to articulate any of it. I don't even know that I should be trying to, because if I do then I'm afraid I'll end up back where I was 7 years ago. Nothing good will come of opening up the old can of worms to check on them and see what they're up to. Zip it and get on with everything else, or similar.

 

[Harebells]

Hi Gooblax - it seems like a positive (and strong) thing that you came here to express what you're feeling rather than go with the urges. How are you feeling about it all now? Hope you're ok. did anything happen to make you feel anxious or has it been building up for a while? Best wishes x

 

[MHealthJo]

Thinking of you Gooblax...

I guess the only thing I could add, a thing to remember, is that sometimes good resolution hasn't come out of something.... sometimes we didn't end up getting the best help from the right person that we have a good rapport with, sometimes the circumstances just weren't right for getting relief as good as it could be.... It's certainly not that easy or quick sometimes, to get good help in many parts of the world...

I guess all I can say is that sometimes there is still something there that can benefit from getting the right attention... sometimes we can feel there is no point looking at it, if another time we did and good help / resolution didn't really come? (It can depend I guess... and I don't know your history that well)...

With good support also, (depending on the issue), sometimes it can be possible to play both sides of the coin for the best overall benefit - Like, it can be possible to get on with things, while also allowing a certain compartment of our time and of our feelings to be directed at acknowledgement and support and looking at something that may benefit from looking at....?

And it's easy too, to think in terms of 'get the right help', like I've just said exactly that phrase.

Well, hey.... maybe there's a possibility that it's not necessarily a matter of "one right way".... maybe there's more than one option to feel benefits..... more than one option, for different people in different circumstances with different priorities....

Maybe there's one option that is very 'can of wormy', but another option that isn't exactly emptying the whole can onto the plate...?

Or, maybe there are options that could allow a bit of de-worming... but they may not necessarily be the same experience as previous?

Maybe there are ways that one can de-worm a bit, but one could wear gloves, allow a certain amount of distance from the worms, as we go about the de-worming....?

The concept of defusion, as part of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, could be something to have a look into, perhaps... ACT is quite new to me and is quite a new concept, and I've been surprised how useful the concepts are. The work of Russ Harris could be something to look into....

There are some times where we think that addressing or giving attention to something will mean this, that, or the other. Acknowledging or addressing seems, as you say, like simply opening a can of worms. It seems very "either/or".

Either A) forget it, or B) the can of worms. As we have previously experienced it.

But I guess I'm just saying, perhaps there could be more than one way of doing a certain thing... lots of options of how to go about something or how far to go with something.

Anyway, thoughts are with you Gooblax, and I can't understate the power of keeping a very open mind I guess - the idea of looking at things in terms of 'very many options or possibilities', rather than only one or two...

 

[gooblax]

Hi Gooblax - it seems like a positive (and strong) thing that you came here to express what you're feeling rather than go with the urges. How are you feeling about it all now? Hope you're ok. did anything happen to make you feel anxious or has it been building up for a while? Best wishes x

Thanks Harebells. It's been a gradual thing rather than anything specific, but at the moment is a recurring feeling/thought combo.

Thinking of you Gooblax...
...

Haha "de-worming"! There's tablets for that.
Thanks for the suggestion. It hadn't occurred to me that there were more than two options. It makes sense that there would be, but I'd need to find one that would achieve something without making a mess of everything else that's doing fine.

 

[MHealthJo]

Heh heh, yup... a bit of de-worming action, with only minimal side effects...?

If you have a chance to talk it over with a professional who's willing to discuss some ideas, I guess some possibilities could come up...? If you have a chance to do that, don't be afraid to be frank and open with them to see if they have any ideas that seem suitable... to see if you can avoid or handle the part that you're worried about.... or to talk about whether together you could mitigate the part you don't want to experience again...

 

[gooblax]

It's really frustrating that I keep slipping back into thoughts about self harm and suicide. I thought I was all but done with this rubbish, then wind up "just testing things out." "For future reference." As if I'm doing it just to get my own attention or some bullshit. Seems more like "oh I haven't wallowed in unreasonable, unjustified, ridiculously dramatised self pity in a while, let's try this."

While I'm currently lucid, I'm going to try to commit to fixing my diet up and getting more regular exercise.

 

[forgetmenot]

Keeping busy getting on a healthier diet exercise can help but more importantly talking with your doc ok can help to. It is good you reach out here and talk it out instead of harming this is a good thing you do Hope you are going to talk to your doctor ok or therapist someone that can help get these thoughts to lessen some

 

[gooblax]

I'm just not convinced that I should go down the whole doctor/therapist path again when there's nothing to actually say. If it's going to be something that I need to manage long term, then that's what I'll have to do regardless of whether I have a whinge about it to anyone or not.

 

[forgetmenot]

Sometimes just talking out your thoughts with someone getting their feedback help to calm the mind down

The thoughts lessen when you are being heard.

Perhaps coming here helps you to be heard and you can see what you have posted and it helps you to orgainze your thoughts and feelings.

If you are feeling overhwhelmed then perhaps you need just a bit of support to help keep those urges away
You have somethng to say you tell your doc the thoughts of self harm are reoccurring and sometimes overwhelming. and then you can go from there

You know you best of all though just don't um thing you have to fight alone ok

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Excellent post, forgetmenot!


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