Hopeless anorexic?

[Ashley-Kate]

I am now turning 18 in a couple of months and that scares me the fact that i was anorexic for 4 years and bulimic for 3 and a half is quite discouraging because i lost the 8 years of my life that i was supposed to enjoye and do so many things with my friends and just basicly be a kid and now i no longuer have that oppertunaty cause i am going to be in Quebec officially condidered an adult i am almost 18 and i feel like a 40 year old witheverything that i lived threw i feel so old and it is scary and not only that do to the damage i have inflicted on my body and i still have relapses i feel physicly old as well i constantly obsesss about what i can eat what meal i should skip how much exercise4 i should do and i feel that sooner or later that patern will come back becuas ei am, sick of fighting with it and it is easier just letting the voice of the eating disorder take over i hate this i feel like a freek hearing internal voices inside i no longuer no whatto do this recovery is basicly loosing. am i meant to be one of the manythat dye from this disorder..???
ashley-kate the hopeless anorexic

 

[poohbear]

You are not alone...

Ashley-Kate... I read your posting and see myself. I'm now 33 years old and have battles from both anorexia (briefly at a young adult) and bulemia (for about 10 years now). Unfortunately, those feelings never really go away, but I SWEAR to you, therapy and/or talking about your fears, hopes, aggressions, anxieties and thoughts will help. You sound as if you think battling this will be futile, but it isn't. It's hard. I won't lie. But you can do it. There are so many people out there that do. Try to remember WHY you do these things. Getting better will bet easier when you remind yourself of why you do these destructive things to yourself. There's no easy one answer to it all, but infact, it will be a huge combination of many stressors. Yes, some people die from complications to anorexia and bulemia, but it's not very common. Most overcome the vast majority of self-destructive symptoms, but have to deal with triggers everyday. It's very much like being an alcoholic and always being afraid to fall off the wagon. You just gotta hang on, and pay attention to where you're going!--POOHBEAR

 

[Eunoia]

Ash, in all honesty my heart goes out to you. This post encompasses so many of my fears, so much of my struggle, and so much of my life that it's scarry. But you're not alone. You're NEVER alone in this. I won't lie to you and you and I know that there is no sure way of ever knowing how things will turn out, but I do believe that with a lot of comittment and courage and strength you can fight this. And you yourself have shown proof of that. I said fighting, not necessarily returning to the same person or lifestyle that you had before the ed's, but you can find a way to be happy, healthy, and not have an ed anymore. It was never easy, it's not easy now, and it probably won't be easy tomorrow but the more you fight, the easier it will get with time. You will have your struggles, but so does everyone else in life.

I hear what you're saying and I understand b/c I feel like I have lost so many years to this too... you can't bring back the past or relive it to make it better, but you can decide where to go from here. think about all the compassion you have as a result, the willpower, the strength, the ability to care and listen and fight for your right to be happy. think about all the many, many years you have ahead of you, waiting to be lived... It does seem easier like giving in to that 'voice' would be so much easier, but it would only be so for a very short time. Sooner or later this would all catch up with you again, mentally, emotionally, physically...

You're at a point right now where things could go both ways... but you have a huge advantage in terms of choosing the path to health and happiness, b/c you have a lot of people around you who care about you and are experienced in helping you. I have said this many times before and I truly believe this- all the help in the world won't be enough unless YOU decide that you WANT this. then anything can be possible. nothing is ever hopeless until you decide it is and even then there are always doors open.... reach out, tell them what you're going through, how you feel, your fears, your worries, your goals.... you are not 'meant' to die from this disorder just like you were not 'meant' to have an ed in the first place. you ARE MEANT though to live a HAPPY life. you DESERVE to live a happy life.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

...

Thanks both of you,
i find i sound quite pathetic gievn the fact that i am always there to encourage others and tell them what to do but i myself can't do it i am overwhelmed with the fear that i will fail and that it will be too hard to beet even though i know i have all the support around me i just feel so lost i am tiered and exhausted of reaching out i have had enough of depending on people i just don'T know what is the right thing for me i am just sooo tiered of fighting.
your trully
ashley

 

[Eunoia]

Changing yourself is one of the most difficult things to do, so it'll naturally be easier to help others through their struggles while shying away from your own. what you need to do, is try to find some kind of balance between the two. I wasn't trying to say that it's not scarry, b/c it certainly is but again, you can decide where to go from here knowing that it's going to take a lot of work and overcoming fears and triggers. Fear can be so debilitating that it can keep you from being able to take the steps you need to take towards recovery, but you should never feel like you have reached out enough or depended on people too much.. if anything, I think you are making up for the many years of not allowing yourself to reach out and depend on people. everyone needs to depend on someone though at certain times in life, and reach out to find the support to make it through. Remember when you were in the middle of anorexia or bulimia?? Wasn't that exhausting too? Tiring? Draining? The pain seemed worth it b/c you were getting somewhere but the pain of fighting is worth it now even more b/c you are no longer fighting for an objective measure of your happiness but you are fighting for the real thing. Reaching out and continuing to do so (to your therapists, family, friends, the forums...) will help you fight this one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, until you are strong enough to stand on your own two feet again.

 

[Diana]

Hey Ashley-Kate!
I'm going to get back to you, because I have to go now. But, I just read your post. All I have to say is that you're NOT MEANT to die from this. It's never easy. I still have problems, but when I think about everything I've experience since the anorexia began (at about 20 - I'm now almost 29), the good and the bad, I'm just reminded of how absolutely amzing life is. You have SO much ahead of you. You're only 18! Highschool years were not the best years of my life. I'm kind of happy they weren't, because there is so much more to experience after that time. I'll get back to you, but hang in there. We all admire your courage.

 

[poohbear]

Oh my god--Ashley Kate--I just got on the site after a month being away (school and all. ) I saw the changes and just saw your picture. You are so beautiful! It's hard to think you don;t see yourself like we do. You're gorgeous! I wish...I wish.,..I wish...oh damn... it didn't work. I still look like me! (Ha--ha--ha--ha...)--poohbear

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Actually, if I'm not mistaken, Ashley's avatar is a picture of the singer Dido as a child, poohbear.

 

[poohbear]

well, don't i look like an idiot. i'm not even sure who dido is-- well what her music is. i thought the pic was you, ashley!--poohbear

 

[Cat Dancer]

If it makes you feel any better, I dont' know who Dido is either.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I suspect that most people may know of her music either from the theme for the television show Dawson's Creek or from her recording with Santana of the song Feels Like Fire.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

yeah itis dido .. one of my favorite signers. i don'T look that good..lol... :icon_sunny: well i have not been on in a long time now and just thought i would fill you guys in .. my appointment went tell and i am back home i am currently sick though and for once it is not me that did it i have been this way for a week and finally decided yesterday with my mom pulling me by the arm to go to the hospital.. i hate hospitals but anyway i have something that has to do with .. tonsols... (if thats how you spell it)..i am really upset because my mom has been feeding me food ,... okay thats only normal for a lot of people but it really sucks for me.. and the worst part of it is that i have been laying down the hole time doing absolutly no exercise.. okay not true completly i started staying in bed 3 days after i started feeling sick ii was scared it was something worst i thoughtthst my misstreatment towards my body was finally catching up to me and it scared me to death.. i thought i was dying and no one around me knew and that scared me even more they did not know how i was feeling..
yours trully
ashley

 

[Eunoia]

sometimes you get to these moments when your body just really needs to rest, whether it'd be from your ed or not getting enough sleep, pushing yourself too hard or all of those combined. that happens to me, and as much as I want to fight it b/c I feel like I don't have 'time' to be sick, you just have to let it go sometimes and get some rest, eat some food, slow down a bit...

i was scared it was something worst i thoughtthst my misstreatment towards my body was finally catching up to me and it scared me to death

I know what you mean, I have felt that way a few times too, and as much as you think that's what you want, it's scarry... I kind of take the approach of 'I don't know what's actually wrong, so I won't worry about it' and make up excuses for everything that doesn't feel right, like 'it's just the flu', and it might very well be, but I also think that any body after years or even months of enduring an ed and other self-destructive behaviour is affected in some way... and I have seen some of that, reluctantly, and I fear I have a long road still to go and there is nothing more I fear than to tell an actual doctor and hear what they have to say.... the reason why I'm saying all of this is, is b/c I think you had one of those 'eye-opening' experiences that made you realize you don't want to die and you don't deserve to go through all of this alone... and you're not alone hun. I'm glad your appt. went well and I hope that you'll feel better soon. hang in there.