HotthenCold
Member
Hello,
I need to write a post to vent a bit, and hopefully along the way I can shed some light on a way that anger can trap those who experience problems with it, and how this has recently happened to me.
I have currently been knocked off a pink cloud by an argument with a friend. Things were so good for the last 5 days. I was really buzzing. I had probably the best day of my life on saturday. Just a really full day from start to finish, and some of the best experiences I've ever had, doing different things, all in one day.
This weekend involved a trip to a mountain town with a friend who I've been going to the mountains with a lot this year. We both love backcountry snowboarding (he's a skier, I'm a snowboarder), and he's more experienced at it, so he's taking me under his wing to teach me about the backcountry. I'm taking other training as well, but you need experienced people to go with in order to really learn this stuff.
Anyway, the guy has some pretty selfish and difficult personality traits. I know it's lame to point a finger and look at other people's faults, but I'm also not Gandhi, and the guy has some crappy ways of dealing with people. He's very logical, or so he thinks he is, and a bit of a narcissist. He can be very nice, but for the most part he's a bit of a robot, and lacks very much in the way of empathy. Maybe not the best person to spend time with, but I really want to spend time going backcountry snowboarding, and he's the only reliable person I know who does it. I'm making other connections in order to go with different people, but for now he's the only one I know.
So I drove all the way to this mountain town and back, which is 4.5 hours away, and I also drove to the spot where we were riding, and back to the town each day. That was about 3 tanks of gas in total.
I didn't mind because I have new winter tires and I was eager to try them out. Also, I've been injured and this was my first chance to get out so I didn't care if I had to drag my gear all the way using only my teeth.
I paid for all of it and didn't ask him for gas money because I forgot too. Standard practice is to deal with this stuff upfront so there is no confusion or bickering after the fact.
I just forgot though..
So today I texted him and asked if I could get $60 for gas money since I didn't ask him during the trip. He responded that he thought I still owed him money from a surf trip we took in July 2012, and also from the last time we went to the same mountain town before i got injured, over 6 weeks ago!!!!
I'm not the type to leave debts unpaid, so I know I paid, although both events are so far gone that it's impossible to accurately defend myself. I checked my online banking statement and there was no payment to a gas station on the last ski weekend, but I had a bunch of cash so I probably paid from that.
When he said I owed him from the last two trips, I said it was weak that he was using that as an excuse considering he should have said something when it happened, six weeks, and one year and eight months ago, respectively.
He texted me back asking what was with the anger outbursts and that I needed to control my anger.
This is where I feel trapped. I do have anger issues, and from time to time they come out in the backcountry when I'm stressed or something goes wrong. I have been jerk to him before, and now he is using that against me to animate this situation involving neutral texts in which I am just expressing my concern that I'm not being treated fairly, and painting me as having gone off the rails.
This is making me furious because all I did was ask for money he owes me.
I think that I'm even more mad because this is the type of person he is. For the first 3 trips to the mountains I drove this year. Those were trips that were closer to home, but he kept finding reasons for me to drive. When I told him that I felt used and that he should offer to drive more, he pulled a similar stunt, getting offended when I asked him to drive more, saying I thought I was mother Theresa for driving.
Basically, I've expressed my concern over unfair treatment to him twice this year, and both times he's gotten offended and accused me of either thinking I'm "Mother Theresa" or of flying off the handle.
This is exactly the kind of emotionally immature crap that makes me furious and depressed and I'm wondering why I still hang out with this guy.
The answer is obvious, and that is because he is my key to backcountry snowboarding and we get along well enough most of the time so usually it's a good friendship.
I guess I am using him since he angers me and I am still hanging out with him in order to go backcountry...
So the reason I feel trapped is that he is able to use previous examples of my anger outbursts to paint me as begin unduly angry this time, when all I'm doing is texting him asking him for fairness. The "harsh" language I used was "Dude, it's weak that I can't ask you for gas money without you being offended and accusing me of owing you money"....
sigh.
This feeling brings on fears of other times where my anger will allow other people to unfairly accuse me of things I didn't do, or of doing much more than I did and playing the victim role....
Right now I keep being shown that my anger is one of the major issues I must work on...
---------- Post Merged on January 30th, 2014 at 12:07 AM ---------- Previous Post was on January 29th, 2014 at 07:14 PM ----------
Well, after an evening of feeling so angry that I threw my iPhone on the ground and broke it, I finally decided to go through with it and text my "friend" to tell him I'm no longer interested in being his friend. After two major events in recent memory in which I was maturely assertive, and was made to feel like I had done something wrong in response, I finally texted him to tell him that I can no longer be his friend. I'm going to pay him the money that I supposedly owe him, just to be absolutely sure that there is nothing he can hold over my head, but I am done.
This was not an easy decision to make. The primary reason being that by ending this friendship I risk temporarily limiting my ability to enjoy my new found passion for backcountry touring and snowboarding. To his credit, he is very knowledgeable and reliable when it comes to having a partner to go backcountry with. However, the rudeness, disrespect, arrogance, and lack of any real signs of empathy (a necessary trait in my friends) far outweighs the benefits of having someone to go snowboarding with.
It wasn't easy to risk my short term ability to get out there because I have been delayed in my ability to do so for the last 6 weeks, and had an AMAZING time last weekend which reignited my passion. But now the universe has demanded that I drop this person from my life. I do not feel harmonious around them and therefore I can't choose to spend my free time with them anymore.
All in all I'm glad I did this. A weight has definitely been lifted, and now I can begin finding people to ride with who are actually KIND and CONSIDERATE!!!!
Thanks for reading!
I need to write a post to vent a bit, and hopefully along the way I can shed some light on a way that anger can trap those who experience problems with it, and how this has recently happened to me.
I have currently been knocked off a pink cloud by an argument with a friend. Things were so good for the last 5 days. I was really buzzing. I had probably the best day of my life on saturday. Just a really full day from start to finish, and some of the best experiences I've ever had, doing different things, all in one day.
This weekend involved a trip to a mountain town with a friend who I've been going to the mountains with a lot this year. We both love backcountry snowboarding (he's a skier, I'm a snowboarder), and he's more experienced at it, so he's taking me under his wing to teach me about the backcountry. I'm taking other training as well, but you need experienced people to go with in order to really learn this stuff.
Anyway, the guy has some pretty selfish and difficult personality traits. I know it's lame to point a finger and look at other people's faults, but I'm also not Gandhi, and the guy has some crappy ways of dealing with people. He's very logical, or so he thinks he is, and a bit of a narcissist. He can be very nice, but for the most part he's a bit of a robot, and lacks very much in the way of empathy. Maybe not the best person to spend time with, but I really want to spend time going backcountry snowboarding, and he's the only reliable person I know who does it. I'm making other connections in order to go with different people, but for now he's the only one I know.
So I drove all the way to this mountain town and back, which is 4.5 hours away, and I also drove to the spot where we were riding, and back to the town each day. That was about 3 tanks of gas in total.
I didn't mind because I have new winter tires and I was eager to try them out. Also, I've been injured and this was my first chance to get out so I didn't care if I had to drag my gear all the way using only my teeth.
I paid for all of it and didn't ask him for gas money because I forgot too. Standard practice is to deal with this stuff upfront so there is no confusion or bickering after the fact.
I just forgot though..
So today I texted him and asked if I could get $60 for gas money since I didn't ask him during the trip. He responded that he thought I still owed him money from a surf trip we took in July 2012, and also from the last time we went to the same mountain town before i got injured, over 6 weeks ago!!!!
I'm not the type to leave debts unpaid, so I know I paid, although both events are so far gone that it's impossible to accurately defend myself. I checked my online banking statement and there was no payment to a gas station on the last ski weekend, but I had a bunch of cash so I probably paid from that.
When he said I owed him from the last two trips, I said it was weak that he was using that as an excuse considering he should have said something when it happened, six weeks, and one year and eight months ago, respectively.
He texted me back asking what was with the anger outbursts and that I needed to control my anger.
This is where I feel trapped. I do have anger issues, and from time to time they come out in the backcountry when I'm stressed or something goes wrong. I have been jerk to him before, and now he is using that against me to animate this situation involving neutral texts in which I am just expressing my concern that I'm not being treated fairly, and painting me as having gone off the rails.
This is making me furious because all I did was ask for money he owes me.
I think that I'm even more mad because this is the type of person he is. For the first 3 trips to the mountains I drove this year. Those were trips that were closer to home, but he kept finding reasons for me to drive. When I told him that I felt used and that he should offer to drive more, he pulled a similar stunt, getting offended when I asked him to drive more, saying I thought I was mother Theresa for driving.
Basically, I've expressed my concern over unfair treatment to him twice this year, and both times he's gotten offended and accused me of either thinking I'm "Mother Theresa" or of flying off the handle.
This is exactly the kind of emotionally immature crap that makes me furious and depressed and I'm wondering why I still hang out with this guy.
The answer is obvious, and that is because he is my key to backcountry snowboarding and we get along well enough most of the time so usually it's a good friendship.
I guess I am using him since he angers me and I am still hanging out with him in order to go backcountry...
So the reason I feel trapped is that he is able to use previous examples of my anger outbursts to paint me as begin unduly angry this time, when all I'm doing is texting him asking him for fairness. The "harsh" language I used was "Dude, it's weak that I can't ask you for gas money without you being offended and accusing me of owing you money"....
sigh.
This feeling brings on fears of other times where my anger will allow other people to unfairly accuse me of things I didn't do, or of doing much more than I did and playing the victim role....
Right now I keep being shown that my anger is one of the major issues I must work on...
---------- Post Merged on January 30th, 2014 at 12:07 AM ---------- Previous Post was on January 29th, 2014 at 07:14 PM ----------
Well, after an evening of feeling so angry that I threw my iPhone on the ground and broke it, I finally decided to go through with it and text my "friend" to tell him I'm no longer interested in being his friend. After two major events in recent memory in which I was maturely assertive, and was made to feel like I had done something wrong in response, I finally texted him to tell him that I can no longer be his friend. I'm going to pay him the money that I supposedly owe him, just to be absolutely sure that there is nothing he can hold over my head, but I am done.
This was not an easy decision to make. The primary reason being that by ending this friendship I risk temporarily limiting my ability to enjoy my new found passion for backcountry touring and snowboarding. To his credit, he is very knowledgeable and reliable when it comes to having a partner to go backcountry with. However, the rudeness, disrespect, arrogance, and lack of any real signs of empathy (a necessary trait in my friends) far outweighs the benefits of having someone to go snowboarding with.
It wasn't easy to risk my short term ability to get out there because I have been delayed in my ability to do so for the last 6 weeks, and had an AMAZING time last weekend which reignited my passion. But now the universe has demanded that I drop this person from my life. I do not feel harmonious around them and therefore I can't choose to spend my free time with them anymore.
All in all I'm glad I did this. A weight has definitely been lifted, and now I can begin finding people to ride with who are actually KIND and CONSIDERATE!!!!
Thanks for reading!
