How do I deal with bickering kids?

[Mitch]

I have 3 great kids. Two boys 13, 11 and my girl is 8. They can get along very well but they bicker quite often. They don't hit because we don't tolerate it. I wonder if I should let them work it out... but they will often pick on my daughter. They accuse each other of doing things and often deny any involvement. I'm not sure if I should go with time-outs regardless of what the issue may be but trying to figure who the guilty one is, is almost impossible.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks,
Michelle

 

[Banned]

Hey Mitch,

First, welcome to Psychlinks. I love your avatar. Do you have a German Shepherd?

Second, let me preface what I'm about to say by saying I don't actually have kids, but I was a kid, and a bad one at that . (Ok, not that bad...just a typical kid).

The one thing that jumped out at me was that figuring out who the guilty one is pretty much impossible. Do you think that they might be inclined to get along better if they all got punished equally whether or not they are guilty? While on one hand it seems unfair, especially in the eyes of a child, it may teach them to work together to avoid conflict and blame.

The other thing that I thought of is that I think a certain amount of bickering amongst children, especially three in the family, is normal. If I had kids, I'd be inclined to let them work things about, within certain parameters...ie nobody gets hurt, we're not talking about life-shattering incidences, etc. But I think that skill of learning to work through conflict and resolve issues is important, and if parents are always jumping in in the name of keeping the peace, it can make it difficult for kids to learn how to figure things out themselves.

I'm not sure if that's helpful, and like I said, I don't have kids (only dogs ), so hopefully some of our members who have kids can chime in.

 

[Mitch]

hi! Yep I have a German Shepherd. But I got this picture from the choices on this site, for avatars.

I too think it's normal for them to bicker but I find my daughter's outnumbered and gets picked on more than what I'd consider normal. To the point where I wonder if it's bullying... (they mock her quite a bit) But, she does her share as well. Trying to stand up for herself maybe...

And, how do you teach them not to be right fighters?

I have also thought of punishing them all but wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do...

Thanks for your response!

 

[Banned]

There's definitely a line between bickering and bullying. When it crosses that line, I'd say parents need to get involved. If your kids learn it's ok to bully their sibling, they may bully elsewhere as well.

Other nonsensical bickering I'd leave...but that's just me, and I'm kind of laid back about stuff like that.

 

[busybee]

Hello Mitch,

I am a Mum with 4 kids and they are all grown up now. No I cant say that I was a perfect mother and the kids may have less than an ideal upbringing. I suppose one place that you can seek valuable advice is from your own upbringing. You obviously are not seeking corporal punishment for the kids, which is a good thing, which says a lot about your upbringing. How was your parents, siblings and childhood??

You know at the end of the day, for so many jobs there is courses and training to complete, but for parenting anyone can be a parent, that does not mean we have a road map to know how to do it right. As a parent maintain consistent information and boundaries. Especially the same for boy or girl. They dont see the difference and girls can give as good as they get, and dont forget kids can pick up the vibes of the parents and play (even become manipulative ) about playing off parents emotions. Set the boundaries, remain consistant. Make sure you and your partner define this together about what the boundaries are, what is acceptable and then approach the kids as a united team. Inform the kids of what the boundaries are and the consequences that consistently demonstrate what you have outlined. This is one of the most difficult paths of parenting because it is 24/7and kids are constantly pushing the parcel and testing. But that is how they learn. They learn from how you bicker, argue and manage your life You are their role models and the foundations you lay now, in fact the first 7 years of their lives are the most important foundations of their lives.

Keep faith in yourself. Just the fact that you are asking the questions proves that you are someone who deeply cares for your children, which is very admirable.

Good luck and hope to hear from you in the future.

Busy bee.

 

[Mitch]

Things to think about... Thanks for your responses