How do I deal with this? [may trigger]

[Misha]

:friends: Thinking about you, Fiesty!!

 

[SoSo]

I just finished reading some posts in the victims of crime. I read Jane Doe No More, I cried, I cried because I realize that my fathers death has not just brought back the memories of what he did to me but the violent rape I went through many years ago that I never dealt with. It is all bubbling up in me, making me feel sick. I need to find out how to deal with all this, these emotions, just really don't want to, just want it all to go away, leave me alone, bury it. I think I should call a crisis place, if they have any here, don't feel like I am going to make it. Feel so weak, like such a failure, always letting everyone down, just can't seem to find peace no matter how hard I try, so tired.

 

[ladylore]

Then please Feisty do call a crisis line - your worth it.

 

[Halo]

Feisty...please do call a crisis line if you are in danger or if need be 911 is always available too. Here is a link to some crisis numbers:

Suicide Resources

Here is another link that I and many others I believe have read over and over when having a really difficult time.

When you feel you can't go on

Please take care of yourself and do whatever you have to in order to keep yourself safe. You are too important to lose :heart:
:hug: :hug:

 

[SoSo]

Thanks ladylore and Halo. My sister came and took me to her house overnight. I felt bad intruding as her husband is in the hospital in really bad shape. She doesn't need extra problems but am glad she took me out of here. I didn't sleep much but I made it through the night. That link is really good, thank, will try.
Feisty:hide:

 

[Misha]

Feisty, I'm glad you are able to be someplace safe. Don't feel bad for imposing.... your sister is an adult and can say "no" if she needs to. Your needs are important, and you deserve to be cared for.
Hope today is going alright for you!

 

[Halo]

Feisty, I am glad that you made it through the night with your sister's help. Keep hanging on one day or moment at a time and it will get better :heart:

Take care
:hug: :hug:

 

[SoSo]

I spent the week at my sisters. I realize that she has a lot of emotional 'stuff' to deal with also. We were able to talk, laugh even. I wish we had grown up in a 'normal' family environment but we didn't. Now, I just have to try to put all the 'stuff' behind me but know I have to find a therapist and work through it before I can finally let it all go. Thanks for all the support and advice, feeling a little stronger, not afraid to be alone now at least.
Feistyeek:

 

[ladylore]

I am glad you were able to spend some time with your sister Feisty and that things are feeling a bit better for you.

Being able to talk about these things with someone else who was there to somehow makes things feel a bit more normal. As in you are not imagining things.

Take care

 

[Halo]

Feisty,

I am glad to hear that you spent some time with your sister and that you are feeling a little stronger and not afraid to be alone. That is great and I know that once you get back to Ontario and find yourself a therapist that you will deal with the issues that you need to. Right now you just need to be as strong as you can and make it until the move.

Take care :heart:
:hug: :hug:

 

[Misha]

I'm glad you're doing better, Feisty. Sisters are a wonderful support at times!

 

[SoSo]

Thanks, been a rough 3 days since last Friday but I am hanging on or in or out, depending on my mood at the moment. I have started working again, that is helping, a lot. I did not get a single call, etc on my birthday from anyone I know, just went into a real dark place, made a happy face of meds I could or would not take, depending on my mood, cried till I was sick then...it was over. I don't really understand what happened but it was over. I sat here and wondered who the hell am I...what am I becoming and I didn't want to be there. I just gave myself a hug, daft I know, then told myself it would be alright now...strange, do feel better now. Maybe that is what I needed, to really have one big old cry and just let it all out then let go. I just feel drained but not in that dark hole anymore, am glad to be out of that place. I have had one good nights sleep last night where I did not dream of the dark things and today I have not had one moment where any of the dark things have come into my mind or bothered me. Perhaps I am healing, hope so but still know it is an ongoing journey...will get to a therapist as soon as I can. Thanks everyone for being so supportive and caring.
Feistyeek:

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm happy to hear that you're feeling a little better, Feisty. I think usually we put all our energies into not going into that dark place. But sometimes, letting go a bit shows us that we can go there and come back again safely.

 

[Halo]

Feisty,

I too am glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better You have tremendous strength and courageous and you should be really proud of yourself :2thumbs:

Take care
:hug: :hug:

 

[Into The Light]

But sometimes, letting go a bit shows us that we can go there and come back again safely.

i am glad to see this. something to keep in mind

 

[SoSo]

Yes, me too, glad to know this, that the darkness is not all there is...that it will not be forever...that there is some form of light...saving grace if you will at the end of it all. I still feel very fragile but not like I will shatter anymore. I really honestly thought I was finally going to completely lose my mind...was so very scared...but I crawled out of my dark place...it was a very draining journey but now I am focusing a little better...getting dressed, even went out of the apt. and managed to do some chores today...small steps lead to long journeys in the right direction...I hope, gee, I hope, that is something...for me anyway! He still tries to invade my space, my sleep but am fighting it with every wee bit of strength I have left because I made the choice this weekend not to ever be a victim again, so that means I have to fight the darkness and him, even if he is only in my head now. I let go and I will not let him back in, my father is gone, banished. I will keep fighting, have to as I don't want to get back into that dark hole again, ever. Thanks all for letting me rant or whatever I needed to do to get back, feel safe.
Feistyeek:

 

[Cat Dancer]

Glad you're feeling a little better. Keep taking those small steps and holding on. It is difficult not to let certain people keep harming us, even after they're gone, but somehow we have to be strong and hold on.

Keep on fighting and we're here always when you need us.