How do I end this?

[Chain Lightning]

I have been going out w/ the same guy (lets call him Aden) for over 4 years. I really like his parents, especially his mom. But I am not happy with our relationship. We are both young (20s) and I just got finished with school and I am starting a career as an engraver. One of the biggest problems with him is that he is living like a teenager. In other words, he works a low-wage job and has no ambition of ever finding a career. He doesn't show any signs of ever leaving his parent's house. Ever since I have know him on a daily basis he talks about how he hates his job. He talks about all these things he is going to apply for or do. He has applied for about 3 jobs in 4 years at best.

Another problem is he doesn't make me feel special in any way. In fact he takes me for granted. We never go on any dates, never...and he doesn't even take me with him when he runs errands or visits friends. He didn't get me anything for my birthday (accept a DVD HE wanted) not even a card, he said he didn't have the money. I am not materialistic and don't care but the principle of that hurt me. He promised he would take me out next paycheck and never took me out. One day MONTHS LATER I asked him and he said he didn't have the money because he was buying a new guitar ($400).

He's selfish, he wants to do what he wants to do and always gets agitated when I suggest something. I'll be over and he'll turn on the TV and not even bother to ask me if I want to watch it. He just does stuff like that all of the time. He doesn't take care of his teeth, which is gross and so we never kiss. Now he's made an appointment, but its too little too late.

He has some sort of problem with showing affection anymore and has lost his sex drive. Its always, not now, later, , my back hurts, I'm tired, tomorrow...doesn't even care how I feel.

He has lied to me about some things and it still bothers me. He still tries to cover things up that he knows I don't like. He stays up late on weekends and drinks but tries to say he went to bed early but is obviously sleep deprived the next day and hung over (denies that too). He NEVER does ANYTHING else on the weekend nights, doesn't take me out but spends his time and money on beer. I am pretty cool, occasional partying is perfectly ok but religiously?

I have talked to him over and over about all of these things and he says he is going to change, blah blah, BS. I told him I can't wait for him anymore and I just want to be friends. His first reaction was to not take me seriously the next one was to get mad and try and turn it around on me, I persisted and he then went into feel sorry for me mode. That's where I lost, I feel like a moron because I gave in.

So he took me out to this barbecue place. Never held my hand or anything, in fact he walked in front of me (is it just me or is that rude?). Then we went to the park and he did the same. Never held my hand or hugged me or anything. After 5 minutes, he said "come on lets go." I said why we just got here. I was obviously not happy and he asked in an aggravated voice, what's wrong what have I done now? I told him exactly how that made me feel and his reaction was just anger and annoyance. I was crying and he harassed me with questions "well, what do you want to do".

He hasn't changed. He was super nice to me for a few days, unnaturally so. Nothing has really changed, he is going through the motions half-assed but its obvious its superficial.

I am done with it, its over...problem: I don't know how to break up with him without him trying to desperately get me to stay and still be friends or at least civil in the end. I don't want to hurt him but I can't stay in this anymore. I feel sorry for him but I can't help him either. We've never really gotten into yelling or name calling, there never been any hitting or any of that...just arguing, not getting along. I know what he'll say: you're not giving me a chance, I'm going to fix this that blah blah and "you're throwing me away like a piece of trash." So what should I say, how do I say it?

 

[Halo]

My thought would be to tell him that when he can prove to you that he really has changed then for him to call you but until then you are through. Only once he has really made the effort and done and showed some real changes then there could be a chance of the two of you together but not until then.

I am sure that it must be difficult but if you stay strong and hold your ground I am sure that you will make it through.

 

[Chain Lightning]

Thank you for the advice. You're right, I guess I shouldn't let any of the crap he throws at me alter my decision. I seriously doubt getting back together (I don't know if I should mention that as a possibility), whatever happens, I'll still be his friend.

 

[Into The Light]

i think you should expect him to react the same way when you try to break it off again. he'll definitely try to make you feel sorry for him again as that worked last time. so what i would do is mentally prepare yourself for that and prepare yourself to stand your ground, no matter how he reacts.

 

[Lana]

Hi CL;
To add to what Halo and ITL said, him making you feel bad is just a manipulative tactic. He will use it because it works. I wouldn't leave him with any false promises. I'd probably just focus on what is happening now, or not happening. If he says he'll change, tell him to call you when he does and "we'll take it from there" But, you need to be firm on your decision and what you're telling him. If you're not sure, or if you're trying to break up with him just to get him to change, that that is just another form of manipulation also. So make sure this is what you want and do what you feel is best for you, one way or another. Good luck.

 

[Chain Lightning]

Thanks you all. I'll let you know what happens.

 

[Chain Lightning]

I don't know what I am doing wrong but he isn't getting the fact that this won't ever work out. He says if it doesn't its because I won't let it. I've told him over and over how I feel, but he thinks he can fix everything. I don't know what else to say this is unbearably frustrating. I hate to see him hurt but dammit I can't help the way I feel and I know it won't happen. What do I do? He's not being honest with himself.

I'm also really worried about him. He keeps saying if I loose you I don't want to live and the night he wouldn't talk to me he said its because he took 3 flexerils and drank 4 beers and was passed out!!! I am not 100% sure if he did that or if he is just saying that to scare and manipulate me. He's already tried to manipulate me in other ways. But still I can't ignore it either because what if I do and he is psycho enough to kill himself? A few years ago he told me that when he was a teenager (taking acutane) that he almost killed himself, he said he barricaded himself in the garage and held a loaded shotgun to his head. I don't know if its true or not...he has told me other things that I just don't believe.

He told me a stereotypical story about listening to Marlyin Manson and said the lights went out and the room was cold. He tried to open the door and it was locked, felt an evil presence etc. I just can't believe that one. I am thinking about talking to his parents about the suicidal statements. I hate this.

 

[ladylore]

You already know this Chain but this is very unhealthy.

It may be time just to cut your losses and tell him not to call you, see you and it is over.

it really is up to him to change his own life. You can't control what another person will do with their own life but you do have control over your own.

You deserve so much more then to be manipulated like this. The best thing for him probably is to say goodbye, mean it and walk away. It too toxic and you don't deserve to go down with him. If he threatens suicide call 911 to ease your mind that you sent help for him. But I think that may be the best you can do even though it sounds harsh.

:2cents:

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'd also add that the idea of letting his parents know about the suicide threat is a good one - then let them deal with it.

 

[Chain Lightning]

Thanks you all. I guess I already know what to do...I'll keep you updated. And to be honest with you, I am afraid. Though there is no way we could ever be romantically evolved again, I love him as a friend and I don't want anything to happen to him.

 

[ladylore]

I would suggest you rely on other friends to support you through this. And Psychlinks is always here to lend support also.

 

[Into The Light]

i understand you care about him but in the end you cannot control his actions or his choices. best of luck and let us know how you do.

 

[Misha]

Hmmm.... I'm totally incompetent when it comes to relationships, but I'm here for you all the same. It sounds like you're giving this situation a lot of good thought, and that's a strength that will help you to do what's right. Keep us posted!

 

[Chain Lightning]

I really think he is suicidal, after what he reluctantly admitted last night. I think he is hiding lots more from me. I told him I want to be left alone and I am calling his dad today.

 

[Halo]

CL,

I think that you are making the right decision about telling him that you want to be left alone and especially about calling his dad. Now you can put your mind to rest that you have informed his parents that he is suicidal and the burden doesn't rest on you alone.

A really wise but I am sure difficult decision.

Take care

 

[Chain Lightning]

I did it you all. I told him like it was, 100% honest and didn't back down. He tried everything he could but I was patient with him and it went better than I thought it would. He agreed to still be my friend too...and its going to STAY that way. He tried to turn everything around on me, all of that crap, then said he wanted to die but I said "that would be a shame because you are so talented and you've written some songs that are unbelievable, I wish I could write music like that...etc." He said I am the only person he is close too, and I told him he needed to be close to more than just me. I think he'll be ok for now but I am keeping an eye on him. He asked me if I would go to counseling with him, I said yes but also that ok I think it would help our friendship. I'm not happy but I feel better.

 

[Lana]

You did good, CL. It's a good start in the right direction. :hug:

 

[Into The Light]

that must have been difficult for you but you did really, really well. you handled it beautifully, especially when he said he wanted to die. :goodjob: :hug:

 

[suewatters1]

Good for you being that brave.
I married a man my family end up hating because he couldn't keep a job then I lived in a duplex I owned with my brother and he lived the bottom apartment I lived in the top apartment then while I was working and my then husband was suppose to be looking for work he wasn't but talking to a woman he met on the Internet and he called her on our cordless phone and my brother having a police scanner caught all the conversation they had.
I almost became bankrupt because of him. He did cheat on me with this woman and it was my brother who told me where my then husband was and with who he was with. I took him back but about 8 months later we split up so he could become the woman he wanted to be. Now he is transgender female with a woman the met up with at the same time we split up. He is now in another province changed his name and everything.
Having him as my first lover in my 30's then us being together a total of 4 years really did a number on me and my confidence. You thinks your over it but now I am just crying thinking about it so no I am not over it.

Sorry to cut in your topic

Sue

 

[ladylore]

Good for you being that brave.
I married a man my family end up hating because he couldn't keep a job then I lived in a duplex I owned with my brother and he lived the bottom apartment I lived in the top apartment then while I was working and my then husband was suppose to be looking for work he wasn't but talking to a woman he met on the Internet and he called her on our cordless phone and my brother having a police scanner caught all the conversation they had.
I almost became bankrupt because of him. He did cheat on me with this woman and it was my brother who told me where my then husband was and with who he was with. I took him back but about 8 months later we split up so he could become the woman he wanted to be. Now he is transgender female with a woman the met up with at the same time we split up. He is now in another province changed his name and everything.
Having him as my first lover in my 30's then us being together a total of 4 years really did a number on me and my confidence. You thinks your over it but now I am just crying thinking about it so no I am not over it.

Sorry to cut in your topic

Sue

I use personal experiences quite a bit Sue. Others can get quite a bit out of others experiences as we don't feel so alone.

Its also very normal to experience those old feelings when you talk about a certain subject. Some things will always be sad. Its over time the feelings won't be so blunt but you may still cry when you talk about it.