Hi. My name is Laura. I'm 35, divorced, and have a little girl and a little boy. I have always known something wasn't right with the way I felt about my mother and that there was something wrong with the way my mother "loved" me and treated me. A few years ago I came across the term Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I wasn't even looking for an explanation for my mother's personality. When I found this term online and started reading, I couldn't stop. I kept seeing my mother and me in everything I read, and it made me sick. For the next several months, I sufferred severe panic attacks and had to be prescribed tranquilizers and antidepressants. I eventually got used to the idea that my mother was a narcissist and that I was a victim, and my panic attacks subsided and I was able to stop using the tranquilizers but I'm still on the antidepressants just because I don't know if I'm ready to get off of them yet. Hopefully one day I'll be able to stop them, but now is not the time.
I recently had to move out of my home because of health hazards. I had to move out right away and had no money or a place to go to. My mother, being the N that she is, turned herself into the savior, made herself seem so wonderful and giving and caring, offerred the world to me. And because she's such a good salesperson (as all N's are), even though I'd been down this road before, time and time again, I forgot everything I ever learned about her and I was suckered in. She offerred to move me into her home and I accepted. What a fool I was!
Now I'm as close as I could be to my narcissistic mother and she's scooping up all the narcissistic supply I have to offer (and it's so, so very hard to keep myself from giving it to her!). Now I want to move out and I'm scared to death of her retaliation!! I've already told her I'm moving out (and I was as diplomatic and friendly as I could possibly be), but she still broke out into a horribly hurtful, narcissistic rage, attacking me to the core and making herself into a victim. I handled that pretty well, I think. But I still have to move out. I'm so afraid of move-out day. My friends (and my ex-husband, of all people) have offerred to help me move out and have been working it so they can move me out in one day, maybe even in one trip (thank God for real friends!). But what's that day gonna be like?
She will be hurtful to my friends, play the victim, possibly work herself into a rage. My dad will act so hurt and sad and dissapointed (he is her enabler and he's so good at being the victim too!). I will feel like such a horrible person and I'll feel so guilty. I just hate this! The worst part is that I will only be moving about 45 miles away because I still want to be close enough to the ex so that the children can benefit from being close with their father. Because of this, I am not truly escaping my narcissistic mother. She will still find me. I want to break off all communication with her (and the rest of the family...except for one--my sister who is treated even worse than I am by mom...my only ally). She will tell me that I'm breaking her heart because she will never be able to see her grandchildren again, and I don't know if I can be strong enough to do this. And my dad, I feel like he's her victim too, but then again I am his victim because he's always put mom first, before me. I will feel even more guilt by cutting him off from my life, but if I don't, she will use him to strengthen my guilt and eventually get her way, that is, work her way back into my life. I can't hide from them; they will find me. The only way is to develop the strength and emotional distance I need to be able to handle them because I can't physically hide from them. But I'm so scared I won't be able to do it and I'm so scared of getting sucked back into this pit again once I get out.
I recently had to move out of my home because of health hazards. I had to move out right away and had no money or a place to go to. My mother, being the N that she is, turned herself into the savior, made herself seem so wonderful and giving and caring, offerred the world to me. And because she's such a good salesperson (as all N's are), even though I'd been down this road before, time and time again, I forgot everything I ever learned about her and I was suckered in. She offerred to move me into her home and I accepted. What a fool I was!
Now I'm as close as I could be to my narcissistic mother and she's scooping up all the narcissistic supply I have to offer (and it's so, so very hard to keep myself from giving it to her!). Now I want to move out and I'm scared to death of her retaliation!! I've already told her I'm moving out (and I was as diplomatic and friendly as I could possibly be), but she still broke out into a horribly hurtful, narcissistic rage, attacking me to the core and making herself into a victim. I handled that pretty well, I think. But I still have to move out. I'm so afraid of move-out day. My friends (and my ex-husband, of all people) have offerred to help me move out and have been working it so they can move me out in one day, maybe even in one trip (thank God for real friends!). But what's that day gonna be like?
She will be hurtful to my friends, play the victim, possibly work herself into a rage. My dad will act so hurt and sad and dissapointed (he is her enabler and he's so good at being the victim too!). I will feel like such a horrible person and I'll feel so guilty. I just hate this! The worst part is that I will only be moving about 45 miles away because I still want to be close enough to the ex so that the children can benefit from being close with their father. Because of this, I am not truly escaping my narcissistic mother. She will still find me. I want to break off all communication with her (and the rest of the family...except for one--my sister who is treated even worse than I am by mom...my only ally). She will tell me that I'm breaking her heart because she will never be able to see her grandchildren again, and I don't know if I can be strong enough to do this. And my dad, I feel like he's her victim too, but then again I am his victim because he's always put mom first, before me. I will feel even more guilt by cutting him off from my life, but if I don't, she will use him to strengthen my guilt and eventually get her way, that is, work her way back into my life. I can't hide from them; they will find me. The only way is to develop the strength and emotional distance I need to be able to handle them because I can't physically hide from them. But I'm so scared I won't be able to do it and I'm so scared of getting sucked back into this pit again once I get out.
