How do I keep my wife?

[delta sierra]

So here I am. I'm trying my darndest to be the kindest most considerate person I possibly can be despite the cold, angry, comments back to me, and my wife agrees to at least another week to see how things go (we had someone discuss things with us together), and I find out during this "meeting" that this friend of my wife's, that I don't trust for the life of me has said lies about me being extremely agressive towards her and their house (yes, their house) saying I almost tore their door off, and that I was screaming at her.

This didn't happen, so I'm upset about THAT only during our meeting. So now, because I've gotten upset at all, my wife says she doesn't trust me at all, and wants nothing to do with that person. Is this reasonable?

I personally think I have a right to be upset about a person lying about me, to my wife, during the most critical point in our marriage. Don't I? I mean, I'm stressed about this whole thing, I'm trying to deal with my issues, and then this person is lying to her and she is believing of course because she's upset, and I can't even show that I'm upset by this? Again, is this reasonable? I have not shown ANY other form of anger/resentment/frustration/anything other than positive things to my wife lately.

DS

 

[David Baxter PhD]

This didn't happen, so I'm upset about THAT only during our meeting. So now, because I've gotten upset at all, my wife says she doesn't trust me at all, and wants nothing to do with that person. Is this reasonable?

I'm confused. First, if your wife is upset with you, why did she say she wants nothing to do with the person who gave her this (mis)information? Second, you indicate that you were upset during the "meeting". Exactly how dis you express that?

 

[delta sierra]

Strange, I wrote a reply to this at home, and it's not here...hmmmm. Anyways...

I'm confused. First, if your wife is upset with you, why did she say she wants nothing to do with the person who gave her this (mis)information? Second, you indicate that you were upset during the "meeting". Exactly how dis you express that?

Sorry for the confusion. She does still want to keep this person as a friend. The "that person" that I was refering to was the angry person in me.

As far as how I expressed my feelings about this during the meeting, I said "So S is telling you lies about me, during a time that she knows is the most stressful point in our marriage? That really upsets me, and I'm going to approach her about that." Now it was with an angry tone, but I think anyone could see that I was angry at S, not my wife. I expect my wife to believe anyone else at this time. She says that it was the look on my face at the time, not what I said. So apparently, I'm in trouble this time for having an angry look, and refraining from anything else. I think that's a little unreasonable. I'm still doing my best to be the best husband I've ever been though, and still trying to be as nice as possible towards my wife. However, I'm still upset at this so called "friend".

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Getting annoyed or even angry is a normal human emotion but there are many ways to express that. Perhaps it would be helpful for you to ask the therapist to describe how you looked and sounded in that session.

My take: You have a history of anger, rage, intimidation, and abusive behavior. You have made a promise to your wife to face up to this and change this aspect of you. She comes back home and you both go to see a counsellor. And in that first session, she sees "the old you" coming out again.

It really doesn't matter who the anger is aimed at. It's the behavior itself that she is saying she won't tolerate any more and in her eyes you just gave her reason to believe you don't mean or can't live up to your promise to her.

Now, I'm not saying that you are going to change this overnight, of course. But you do need to understand that even if you are successful in curbing or inhibiting your anger toward your wife, it won't mean anything if you continue to display the same behaviors toward or about other people. She will believe, correctly, that you haven't really changed and that it's only a matter of time before she again becomes the target.

You really must find an individual therapist or a group for yourself alone to deal with the anger issue.

 

[delta sierra]

I've never shown anger or agressivness to others really though. This person is saying I have to her, but it's an outright lie. This is the only thing that bothers me. At the same time, I didn't think it was bad to say I was upset about something. Yes, I guess my face looked very mad, but at the same time, I kept it in...I didn't really do anything about it but say it upset me. Is this a mistake?

As far as the counselling for me, I agree, unfortunately I am on waiting lists. I keep getting told "Waiting list, waiting list, waiting list." I'm sure I could find a counsellor though, but to find one I trust without knowing where to turn, I might as well go to the yellow pages, open it to "counsellors", close my eyes, and point. I have no idea how to find a good counsellor that I trust.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

What I am saying, delta sierra, is that when we are angry we rarely get a chance to see how we look to others. My guess is that your anger looks more like rage and intimidation to others, including your wife. What I am suggesting is that insted of asking what's wrong with me getting angry at this other person, ask her and the counsellor what they saw in you at that moment.

The point is that your wife is reacting to something you expressed. Maybe you don't know what that is yet. But the first step is to stop being defensive (in the literal sense of defending your behavior) and start trying to find out what she is reacting to, how you affect her, what you look like to her when you are like that. This is not optional, by the way. This is an essential step you must take.

 

[delta sierra]

Thanks, I will ask them that. I do want to take the proper steps to improve, I guess I just didn't see anything wrong with my behaviour in THIS instance. I'll try to look through her eyes though, if she'll tell me.

Any thoughts on how to find a good counsellor that I can trust? Do I just open the yellow pages?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

The Yellow Pages may be helpful. In most places you can search those on-line, too -- look for psychologists or counsellors + your city. Try a Google search for psychologist city, anger management city, etc.

Often a good way to learn about resources is to ask your family doctor.

 

[delta sierra]

Try one of these for information:

Evolve
870 Portage Avenue
Winnipeg, Manitoba
R3G 0P1
(204) 784-4070 tel
(204) 772-7998 fax/téléc
Org. - Klinic Community Health Centre

Family Centre of Winnipeg
#401-393 Portage Avenue
Winnipeg, Manitoba
R3B 3H6
(204) 947-1401 tel
(204) 947-2128 fax/téléc
Org. - Klinic Community Health Centre

Would you recommend seeing one of the counsellors here AS WELL AS seeing a psychologist? I've gotten in with a psychologist, gotten into an anger management group through the Family Centre, but they are also offering counselling through the Family Centre. I don't mind seeing a psychologist, and going to the group, but would it just be repetitious to see the counsellor at the Family Centre also? I mean, when is it too much that it's pointless? Can it be too much? I just don't know if I could keep up a routine of going to everything, then if I have to drop one, would that be even worse than starting?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I would advise you to discuss this with your psychologist, Delta. I do see clients who are involved in other groups or sometimes with other therapists but it's very important to make the boundaries very clear -- what issues will be addressed where -- to avoid the problem of seemingly conflicting advice or directions. It can work but it needs careful coordination and it may also require consultation between the various therapists. I'm not sure that there are any general rules...