How Do You Escape When The Threat Is Around?

[OpenlyImaginary]

The worst part is that I truly feel as if I'm going crazy or I get scared that I'll end up schizophrenic like my grandmother some days.

I just don't know how to pick up the pieces this time.

I think i just want someone to listen. I'm so used to being pushed away, having to be the strong one, or the listener.

I'm used to sitting down, shutting up, and taking my place. I knew where it was when I was younger and I stayed there. It worked. I didn't have to feel or think. I just let people tell me what to do and what to think and took care of everything while my parents addictions got worse and they made more kids for me to take care of.

I'm pretty sure kids aren't supposed to raise kids while the parents enjoy their addictions and ignore them.

Then add to the fact that my parents decided to have 8 children. I got the luck of being the oldest and I got to raise them. I struggle with even having a child of my own one day. I often feel like all the exciting stuff from parent hood has been taken away from me.

I keep thinking that I want my old life back but I don't really. That means I would have to go back to living under a cruel dictatorship and give up all of my freedom. I would have to go back to living with a cruel and heartless woman that I had the misfortune of meeting and being a live in nanny for. I would have to go back to everything that caused me to feel how I do now.

What I want back is the feeling of being happy again. I want my panic attack free life back.

I can't have that though because the things that I'm trying to deal with are going to be with me forever. And if that terrible woman that I lived with and worked for didn't trigger all of this something else would have. Because it wasn't all her. She was just the icing on the cake and a melt down was inevitable.

That's what's so frustrating. I feel like I'm getting screwed no matter what I try to do.

I just don't understand sometimes. I have never tried to do anything else except be a good person. I gave up my childhood and my teen years to raise my seven younger brothers and sister. My mother had a 9th child and accidently smothered him during one of her dope-induced sleeps when he was five weeks old. I've been thrown out of home more times than I care to count, I've had to sleep on the street (for a night - but that was enough for me), I've gone through date rape, and the worst kind of emotional and mental abuse at the hands of a woman that had decided to "rescue" me from my life and provide a better one. Only she didn't. She just abused me worse than my mother and father ever did and sometimes I wonder if she even sexually abused me.

I remember one time she decided that because of my unfortunate childhood and never getting the chance to kiss a guy she would teach me how to kiss.

Let's put this into perspective though. I was a 21 year old girl that had been kicked out of a troubled home two years prior and this 40 year old woman who lived down the street offered me a home and family because she needed a live in nanny. Now that woman has decided that she will be the one to teach the young girl how to kiss because all her boyfriends thought she was a good kisser. The young girl doesn't even really want to do it but the older woman sits her down and makes her take it seriously and actually kisses her.

And for the record. In case your wondering. It was disgusting and she tasted like a dirty ashtray.

But am I right? Is that wrong? Because according to her it was okay. It was also okay for her to take me out to bars and use me to pick up men even though she's married. Is that okay?

I don't think it is and it drives me nuts that this woman is out there and maybe hurting other people like she did me.

I can't handle knowing that my baby sister is best friends with her kids and she is at the woman's house all the time.

And this woman just won't leave. I've told her before to not contact my family or to talk to my brothers and sister. I've never stopped the kids from being friends but I've made it clear SHE herself is not to contact them. Then she'll just remind me of all the times she did something nice for my sister because she felt bad that we came from a welfare family.

How is any of this fair? How do I deserve any of this? I gave that woman four years of my life. I'm in serious financial debt because of her and I got fired at jobs because of her.

But I'm still bad. I took advantage and all the other crazy things she thinks.

I think I'm my own worst enemy. I know that she's crazy but it drives ME crazy knowing that she's bad mouthing me to everyone that I have ever known. I don't even know if I'll be able to bring myself to go to my sister's graduation. Her son and my sister are in the same class, so she'll be there, and she also kindly took it upon herself to inform all of the teachers at the school of the "atrocities" I committed against her and her family.


I don't know. I'm all typed out. I hope it was okay to vent here.

 

[forgetmenot]

Its okay to vent I hope you can somehow bring charges against this lady You have had a hell of a life oh and i hope you can get some therapy to undue all the trauma. The only thing i can say is that you need to keep your family safe from her get a restraining order against her but she needs to know she can not abuse anyone else. By reporting her to the police she will be on record at least so if another comes forward then your statement will be there as well as proof. If you are uncomfortable going to the graduation then don't explain it to your sister okay why Try to get some professional help for you okay It is hard having to be a carer so young im sorry you had to suffer like this.

 

[Always Changing]

Hello Openly and Welcome to psychlinks.

The first thing that comes to mind as Violet has mentioned is getting help for you.
can you contact your nearest Rape Crisis Centre (if you haven't done so already, phone numbers are usually in the front of the telephone directory) there you will find Counsellors ready and willing to listen (in confidence) and help you to deal with all the trauma you are currently going through and if you want to make a complaint to the police about this woman, the therapist there maybe able to help you through this as well.
If you do not want to use them then maybe you can go to your G.P and ask for a refferal to a psychologist or counsellor.

You haven't mentioned where you are living now I can only assume you are back in the family home?? Is there anyway that you can move from the locality where this other woman lives.
In respect of your younger sister maybe you can talk to her about keeping herself safe from this woman, (not to be alone with her etc etc) I understand the stress you are feeling about this as you have stated she is friends with this womans son, and you don't want to stop her being with him. As for attending her Graduation, I hope you will be able to attend as no matter what this woman is saying, You have done nothing wrong here and you can hold your head up ok.

I am sorry you had those experiences, you have been through so much and you have a lot on your shoulders, I hope that you find someone to talk to soon, please do come back and talk to us here in the meantime.

take care.
:hug:

 

[OpenlyImaginary]

Hey guys.

That vent up there certainly was what I needed the other day. lol Thank you so much for listening/reading.

Violet - I actually sat down with my three youngest siblings and my mother tonight we all had a pretty good talk about what she did to me. I told them that I don't expect them to never run into her kids or her or anything but I can warn them about EXACTLY what she's like so that they can keep themselves safe from her. She's already tried to convince one of my younger brothers to try in move in with her after I left. She's just crazy. So I figured I could do my part and warn them.

Always Changing - Thank you so much for the kind words. I actually don't live on that street or at home. My boyfriend and I (we're happily unmarried ) live together. I've also started attending anxiety therapy groups and I definitely go to my doctor for check-ins and I have a psychiatrist that I'm set to start seeing in the summer.

Everyone tells me all the time that I'm doing so well recovering from this woman's abuse but I'm incredibly hard on myself. I've been programmed that way though. It's such a hard (and very very bad) habit to break. I just get so angry that I'm not 'getting better' quick enough. I'll get all down on myself and think that I should have been better MONTHS ago, hell I should never have even let it happen.

Of course it was all just a matter of time. I can't imagine what would have happened if I had ignored these problems for say, another ten years and THEN addressing them.

It's just such a hard process and I'm just so impatient with myself.

I'm awful glad I found this place though. It's hard when I'm alone when my boyfriend's at work. I hate venting to my family and friends because I feel like a burden. For now though being able to find support through a forum like this is perfect for me.

Thank you ladies for the welcome and kind words. I've had a yucky day so that was very heartwarming to see! :happy:

 

[Always Changing]

Well done on telling your family about this woman I imagine it was not easy to do so, that took strength and courage and you should be proud of yourself. :hug: It is great to hear that you have already put the wheels in motion as regards getting help for yourself again not an easy thing to do.

Recovery from abuse takes time as we find out as we go along,, I think a lot of us who go through therapy want to be "better" NOW!, go through it quicker, if only it worked that way it would be brilliant, there is no quick fix though. For some people the therapy process can take a few weeks, others a few months and others still a lot longer. It really does not matter how long it takes as long as it is helping you deal with the various issues that you have been through, so if you can, ease up on beating yourself up about it.
I do agree with you, it is hard and at times frustrating, coming here talking about it and reading other peoples stories can help. (I know it has helped me in the past and is helping now, I read more than I post).

Take care
:hug: