How much more can I take?

[Vinton]

English is my second language so I will try my best!

I was raised with an old man starting at 5 years old so you could say that I've self raised myself with no one to confind in, no one to share my joy and pains, no one to make my meals or or clean the house. I did it all. I could get all the money I wanted if I was nice and threated to be sent to an orphanage when I was wrong. Throught all of this I managed to have a career, raised 2 wonderful daughters. One is a doctor and the other a school administrator. I have 5 grand children and a wonderful wife but I cant shake the pain off.
I've been diagnosed with MS 35 years ago.
Bipolar 30 years ago.
ADHD, chronic tics (tourettes) and a touch of OCD 2 years ago.
During all those years I've followed half a dozen therapies and it was a temporary relief.
I've tried different medications like lithium, epival, clonazepam and risperdal for the tics which caused me severe arythmia. I'm on lamictal 200 mgs and effexor 75 mgs. I thought that lamictal was the solution but it appears not.
I tried ritain but my tics got much worse.

This year I had a great Christmas with my family and I'm sitting here today on New year's eve and feel hopeless. Till now I always had hope but the pain is too much to handle.

I sit here thinking of the past and God knows that I've tried.
I sit here thinking of all the mistakes that I've made and can never be erased.
I sit here today with guilt for all the pain that I've caused.
Ah! I'm well considered in my community as the nice guy, the one that smiles all the time.
No self esteem, criticized all the time from the close ones for my impulsive behaviors and always end up saying the wrong thing or making the wrong decision.
I compare myself to others that are stable, strong and I dont fit in.

After being diagnosed with ADHD I was able to better understand my behavior and was hoping fror a therapy to deal with this but after 6 months I'm still waiting for a call but the waiting list is long..

Hey! after 62 years how much more pain can I handle?
I feel awfull looking back and worse looking forward and I cant deal with the present.

It sure feels good to be able to share with you but I'm scared. At this moment I can only find one way to get ride of the pain..

 

[Jazzey]

I'm sorry Vinton. Those dark times can really take a hold of us at times but, there is definitely more than one solution.

Yesterday, I was going through much of the same thought process you are today...And for some reason, today I have hope. You need to hang on Vinton - you have two beautiful daughters and a wife that love you - hang on to that for today. One day at a time....

If you're in immediate danger, please go to your nearest emergency room. Or call a hotline.

One day at a time- as you said yourself, you had a great Christmas. It's only today you're seeing the tunnel. Hang on because there will be other great events.

I'm sending you a lot of support right now Vinton.

Here are some threads that I found helped me: Considering suicide: Don't let despair obscure other options - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum & When you feel you can't go on - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum & If you are thinking about suicide - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

Here are the threads for the hotlines Vinton: Suicide Hotlines and Crisis Resources - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum & Suicide Resources - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

 

[white page]

Throught all of this I managed to have a career, raised 2 wonderful daughters. One is a doctor and the other a school administrator. I have 5 grand children and a wonderful wife

Vinton I agree with all that Jazzey says , you have so much to be proud of , you are loved by your family there is no greater gift than that , this time of year leads us to musings and a stock taking of the past , you have lived with tremendous courage and have achieved so very much , with more than your fair share of obstacles , being in that dark place is temporary , and do as Jazzey says , either surround yourself by your loved ones or do ring that hot line , your life is precious and unique . Thinking of you .

 

[Sparrow]

Never lose hope Vinton...even reflecting on the past year(s).

On my darkest, bleakest days whether I knew it or not, there was a ray of light. I only saw it in hindsight though, but it's always there.

hoping fror a therapy to deal with this but after 6 months I'm still waiting for a call but the waiting list is long..

I am assuming you have made inquires about the wait? My waiting period for cbt is a month away (paperwork) followed by another 2 months or so.
:support: to you Vinton. You are not alone.

:budgie:

 

[Vinton]

Sharing my feelings has taken a lot of weight off my shoulders and seing that I'm not alone is a wonderfull feeling..
Mental health is still taboo in our society and I dont want anyone to know as I live in a small community i must hide..
Sharing this with you is my only outlet..

Thanks

 

[Daniel E.]

I compare myself to others that are stable, strong and I dont fit in.

BTW, in case this may be relevant:

Acceptance & Commitment Therapy | ACT Mindfully | Acceptance & Commitment Therapy Training

To fight depression, or not to fight - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

Similarly:

“It’s a shift from having our mental health defined by the content of our thoughts,” Dr. Hayes said, “to having it defined by our relationship to that content — and changing that relationship by sitting with, noticing and becoming disentangled from our definition of ourselves.”

Lotus Therapy: Mindfulness Meditation gains ground in therapy - Psychlinks

 

[Jazzey]

Feel free to lean on us as much as you need Vinton...:support:

Just don't deal with those thoughts on your own.

 

[Sparrow]

Mental health is still taboo in our society and I dont want anyone to know as I live in a small community i must hide..

I sensed as much Vinton. Again, you are not alone.

:budgie:

 

[white page]

BTW, in case this may be relevant:

Acceptance & Commitment Therapy | ACT Mindfully | Acceptance & Commitment Therapy Training

To fight depression, or not to fight - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

Similarly:

Daniel is spot on , look at your life in relation to yourself and not that of others; there is no yard stick of merit in life , we do the very best we can within our capacities and enviroment , I look at you and feel respect and admiration.
keep posting and sharing , we are here to listen .

 

[Retired]

Vinton,

I am sorry to hear about the way you are feeling this New Year's Eve. Sometimes as the year comes to a close, we think about the past.

At 62, you are still a young man and there is still a lot of life ahead of you. We've all had things we wish we could have done better during our lives and careers, but those days are past, and as difficult as it is, we have to put them behind us.

At this moment I can only find one way to get ride of the pain..

Do you mean you are thinking about suicide, Vinton?

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, Vinton. I read through your reasons to die, but then I read about your family who love you, your daughters and Oh..the beautiful 5 grandchildren!

Vinton, those 5 grandchildren are your most important reason for living! They would not want to be deprived of your love and your wisdom as they grow up.

Is there any chance you might be able to talk about this with your daughter who is a physician? Is she aware of your various diagnoses?

Have you ever contacted the Tourette Syndrome support group in Ottawa? If not, I can give you their contact information so you could attend their next meeting in mid January.

As a fellow Touretter, in your generation, I appreciate your concerns.

Do you have the telephone number of a local crisis hotline if you need immediate help if you have thoughts of suicide?

Will you keep yourself safe until you can speak to your daughter, or to your own doctor about your thoughts, Vinton?