Sometimes I wonder how much more I can bear

[Fiver]

Today Pat and I truly start deconstructing the rape from the moment the doorbell rang. She promises we'll go at my own pace, but I don't even know what that means. She says she will do her best to keep me grounded at a level I can handle, and again I can't be sure what that means. The smallest things can trigger me. I'm thinking right now of what that doorbell sounded like and I can feel my heart rate increase...

I've been dreading this part of the necessary steps to recovery, yet somewhere inside I know I'm ready, or else I wouldn't have asked her to go here with me. Pat knows me, and I trust her. Yet I know that this is really going to be hard and it's going to take me places I don't voluntarily go.

The thing is, my subconscious has been taking me there more and more in recent weeks, which tells me that it's ready to be dealt with in a healthy way, with someone I trust. I need to desensitize.

My intellect understands this. Logic says this is what will help me further my recovery to where I can live a relatively normal life again. I'm preparing to take these steps with the one person I trust with the intuition, knowledge, and education to do it the right way.

It happens in about seven hours from now. There is no way I will sleep before then, even having been up for about twenty hours. My gut is in knots, I want to puke. And yet, I want to do this because I know it's necessary, and Pat and I both know it's time.

I'm terrified.

 

[Banned]

Re: Sometimes I wonder how much more I can bear.

Hi Fiver,

Thanks for sharing this with us. I can hear the agony in your words. You are an incredibly strong person to be so willing to do this. I don't have any wonderful words that are going to make your heart stop racing and put a sunny rainbow over you, but I do want you to know that I'm thinking of you and really admire your courage.

 

[Fiver]

Re: Sometimes I wonder how much more I can bear.

Thank you, Turtle, I appreciate the support more than you know.

Really, at this point, what are my choices? It as to be done, and the time is now. I am terrified of the feelings it will evoke, that's all. But then, these are the same feelings I have when blindsided by a flashback. The only difference is, this time there is the knowing anticipation of the forthcoming terror.

 

[Jackie]

Fiver,

I just wanted you to know your in my thoughts:support:

 

[why]

Thinking of you :hug::support:

 

[white page]

We are all with you on this one Fiver. That is an incredibly brave thing to do to face into this. No harm will come to you today. Hold on to that thought. :hug:

 

[forgetmenot]

Just sending you support and know your therapist will only take you as far as you can handle. I admire your will and strength to do this as i don't know if i ever will take that step You are one of the strongest people but remember lots of support here for you afterwards take care.

 

[Banned]

Hey Fiver,

Just checking in to see how you're doing after today. Are you ok?

 

[forgetmenot]

Hey hope all is well when your ready let us know how you are doing okay

 

[Andy]

Fiver,

:support: This is great! lol Not that your terrified or any of that but it is great that you are taking this HUGE step to deal with something that has been hurting you since the day it happened. It's a very hard thing to do. It is going to be terrifying and hard going through the memories but you can do it. After the first few times it will become easier to talk about and you can get on your way to a healthier Fiver.

I'm a little late with this, but I hope things went alright. I imagine you are emotionally drained. Hopefully that will help you get some sleep tonight.

Proud of you!:friends:

 

[kelsischanging]

Hi Fiver,
Just checking to see how you are doing. I'm sure yesterday was extremely difficult but like you said you know this is a neccessary step of healing. Just the fact that you have gotten to this step shows how strong you are!!

I just want to echo the support that has been mentioned above. We are here for you!!:hug:

 

[Fiver]

Thank you, everyone. Your support is appreciated and means a lot to me. I think I may have had a moment of insight with Pat's help and I would like to share my thoughts with the hope that some of you might be willing to help me explore further the parts that maybe I'm not quite grasping.

But you know what? I just got home, having been at Tonya and Paul's since leaving Pat's office, then from their house last night I went straight to work. I walked into a jaw-dropping scene when I opened my front door... and now I've got a maze of yarn to wind back up that goes from the back of the house to the front, all over my living room, as though some drug-crazed spider was trying to knit a web. But it wasn't a spider. I know exactly who did this, and now he's trying to act all nice and purry to get a spot on my lap. Little bastard.

I'm beat, physically and emotionally, and I need to sit peacefully and unwind before I try to get some sleep. When I can think straight (and walk straight without the fear of tripping over the web yarn decor) I'll be back to offer my thoughts and hopefully get your thoughts on my thoughts about things that have nothing to do with Hoser's refusal to listen to me when I tell him that this is exactly why we can't have nice things with him around.

xxoo...

 

[forgetmenot]

Thanks for making me laugh Fiver even after all you been through. I think i like that cat of yours he must have had a lot of fun. I look forward to reading about your thoughts about things. Get some sleep and let Hoser clean up his mess right. take care.

 

[Into The Light]

that really made me laugh, fiver. i can just picture the scene! although right now you might not find it funny just yet...

 

[unionmary]

Baby steps, get on the elevator...baby steps get on the elevator...
Ah, I'm on the elevator.
[Elevator door shuts]
Aaahhhhhhhhh!!! Quote from Bill Murray's "What about Bob" movie

It seems we take Baby Steps so many times in life to help us get through. You are gonna be fine Fiver, you have started your baby steps. :2thumbs: