I had a rough night with bad dreams last night. I am feeling so darn tired today. Thoughout my dreams I injured myself (only in dream). It was during an argument with my dad and I hurt myself in the end.
The urges seem strong yet I want to fight this away. I don't want anymore scars--inside or out. I have an appointment tomorrow with my new t. I am unsure what to say to him as I don't want to say something that would alarm him. He had asked me about SI, why I feel that I use this to "get by". I explained that for me it can be a few things. Taking the emotional pain by causing physical helps me cope. But it can also be a warning sign that I am thinking about other things.
But right now I don't feel suicidal. I was not too long ago--contemplating this but thats not what I want. But I do feel like harming myself. So what do I do?? If I give in I will feel worse about it later. And I know myself--could make me angrier at myself by doing this and continue with it. grrrrr.
I know I have some good thoughts and positive things that I am working on....I don't want to lose sight of this. I am trying to hold onto the positives and not give in to what brings me down. But how?? This I find to be one of the hardest things to cope with. My head battling with the good and the bad. Like the little guys on ur shoulders. One telling you to stop and think the other taunting you to commit a violation against yourself.
How is it possible to be smiling one minute, crying the next, then smiling again a couple of minutes later?? How is it possible to be like this yo-yo going up and down? I don't understand that at all and it frustrates the hell out of me. I want to be happy...I don't want to allow myself into the darkness of depression. We all know its not a fun place to be.......HOW THOUGH??? What do I say to my t to help him help me through this without him freaking out? I hate it when they take things to far and next thing you know ur shipped off to a place you really don't need to be. This is why I am always so reluctant to speaking my mind, sharing my thoughts, feelings, and deep fears with someone who has the power to take away your own power to decide whats best for you. (does that actually make sense??).
Haunting.
The urges seem strong yet I want to fight this away. I don't want anymore scars--inside or out. I have an appointment tomorrow with my new t. I am unsure what to say to him as I don't want to say something that would alarm him. He had asked me about SI, why I feel that I use this to "get by". I explained that for me it can be a few things. Taking the emotional pain by causing physical helps me cope. But it can also be a warning sign that I am thinking about other things.
But right now I don't feel suicidal. I was not too long ago--contemplating this but thats not what I want. But I do feel like harming myself. So what do I do?? If I give in I will feel worse about it later. And I know myself--could make me angrier at myself by doing this and continue with it. grrrrr.
I know I have some good thoughts and positive things that I am working on....I don't want to lose sight of this. I am trying to hold onto the positives and not give in to what brings me down. But how?? This I find to be one of the hardest things to cope with. My head battling with the good and the bad. Like the little guys on ur shoulders. One telling you to stop and think the other taunting you to commit a violation against yourself.
How is it possible to be smiling one minute, crying the next, then smiling again a couple of minutes later?? How is it possible to be like this yo-yo going up and down? I don't understand that at all and it frustrates the hell out of me. I want to be happy...I don't want to allow myself into the darkness of depression. We all know its not a fun place to be.......HOW THOUGH??? What do I say to my t to help him help me through this without him freaking out? I hate it when they take things to far and next thing you know ur shipped off to a place you really don't need to be. This is why I am always so reluctant to speaking my mind, sharing my thoughts, feelings, and deep fears with someone who has the power to take away your own power to decide whats best for you. (does that actually make sense??).
Haunting.