• Quote of the Day
    "Hope is the thing with feathers, That perches in the soul,
    And sings the tune without the words, And never stops at all."
    Emily Dickinson, posted by Daniel

haunting

Member
Joined
Nov 11, 2004
Messages
142
Points
16
I had a rough night with bad dreams last night. I am feeling so darn tired today. Thoughout my dreams I injured myself (only in dream). It was during an argument with my dad and I hurt myself in the end.

The urges seem strong yet I want to fight this away. I don't want anymore scars--inside or out. I have an appointment tomorrow with my new t. I am unsure what to say to him as I don't want to say something that would alarm him. He had asked me about SI, why I feel that I use this to "get by". I explained that for me it can be a few things. Taking the emotional pain by causing physical helps me cope. But it can also be a warning sign that I am thinking about other things.

But right now I don't feel suicidal. I was not too long ago--contemplating this but thats not what I want. But I do feel like harming myself. So what do I do?? If I give in I will feel worse about it later. And I know myself--could make me angrier at myself by doing this and continue with it. grrrrr.

I know I have some good thoughts and positive things that I am working on....I don't want to lose sight of this. I am trying to hold onto the positives and not give in to what brings me down. But how?? This I find to be one of the hardest things to cope with. My head battling with the good and the bad. Like the little guys on ur shoulders. One telling you to stop and think the other taunting you to commit a violation against yourself.
How is it possible to be smiling one minute, crying the next, then smiling again a couple of minutes later?? How is it possible to be like this yo-yo going up and down? I don't understand that at all and it frustrates the hell out of me. I want to be happy...I don't want to allow myself into the darkness of depression. We all know its not a fun place to be.......HOW THOUGH??? What do I say to my t to help him help me through this without him freaking out? I hate it when they take things to far and next thing you know ur shipped off to a place you really don't need to be. This is why I am always so reluctant to speaking my mind, sharing my thoughts, feelings, and deep fears with someone who has the power to take away your own power to decide whats best for you. (does that actually make sense??).
Haunting.
 

ThatLady

Member
Joined
Nov 4, 2004
Messages
4,104
Points
36
I think it's important to remember that nobody can help us if they're not working with a full deck, so to speak. If they don't know the truth of what's eating us, they can't really help us put it away for good. That's why it's so important, when seeing a therapist, to tell the truth...simply and completely.

I also think we form habits. Some of them are bad habits. One of those bad habits is using poor coping mechanisms (like self-injury) to deal with our hurts and frustrations. It's those habits that keep us back. They're the little taunting guys. Like any other habit, they're going to give us a hard time when we decide to put them behind us. In some ways, we've come to depend on them, and we're not sure what might replace them. The unknown is always scary, hon.

I've found, the best way to deal with things like this is to go moment to moment. Don't try to think ahead about "What am I going to do the next time this feeling comes around?". Just deal with it as it comes by fighting it off with positive, inspiring thoughts or actions, and move on as though it hadn't been there at all. Minute to minute, and baby steps, darlin'. That's what will get you through. That, and knowing we're here pulling for you all the way. :eek:)
 

ThatLady

Member
Joined
Nov 4, 2004
Messages
4,104
Points
36
Heh. I forgot to mention something that your post reminded me of. You asked if it was normal to be crying one moment and smiling the next. It reminded me of a time in my life when I was unable to laugh, or cry. If I laughed, it turned to tears. If I cried, it turned to laughter. I was doing both at the same time, and feeling terrified. I couldn't get out of that mixed emotional mode, once it began. It was a very difficult time for me, so I understand completely what you're talking about.

As to whether it's normal, or not, I really don't know. I don't think much about what's "normal" anymore. All I can be is me...normal, or not. ;o)
 
Joined
Oct 14, 2004
Messages
8,521
Points
48
haunting said:
I hate it when they take things to far and next thing you know ur shipped off to a place you really don't need to be. This is why I am always so reluctant to speaking my mind, sharing my thoughts, feelings, and deep fears with someone who has the power to take away your own power to decide whats best for you. (does that actually make sense??).
Haunting.

i understand what you mean. Two years ago I tried to kill myself and they said if I even mentioned that it was a suicide attempt they would put me away so it was an "accidental overdose" and that was it. It is scary. You just have to trust that getting all that out will be for the best in the long run no matter what happens. I think.
 

ThatLady

Member
Joined
Nov 4, 2004
Messages
4,104
Points
36
Another thing to think about...whether we like it or not...is that, sometimes, our power to decide what's best for us is compromised by our depression. That's when we really need someone to step in and make the decision for us, since we're not really able to do it for ourselves.
 

cm

Member
Joined
Oct 7, 2004
Messages
145
Points
16
From my experience I agree with your idea Thatlady. I suffered with depression for years and did not start to become healthy until I found a physician who was able to tell that I required assistance in making the decision to at least try an antidepressant. It worked and I'm doing much better. The doctor who helped me had alot of experience in this area and I think that made alot of difference.
 
Joined
Oct 14, 2004
Messages
8,521
Points
48
One thing that helps me with the urges, it's kind of silly, is to think of someone I love or someone who loves me (hard as it is to believe, but there are people who I think love me) and remember that they wouldn't want me to hurt myself. Even if it's just thinking about my dog or my cats who love me I believe. And if it means anything at all, I don't want you to hurt yourself.
 

haunting

Member
Joined
Nov 11, 2004
Messages
142
Points
16
Thanks everyone for the ideas and insight.

I did not make it to my appointment today. I called early this morning to cancel and set up a new appointment.

I am sooo sick. I woke up with such pain in my tummy. Felt like the flu coming on. But as the day went on I started to feel better--but did not last long. Then I broke out in this terrible rash. IT HURTS!!

My face is covered and ichy. It spead to my neck as well. My hands are beat red and stinging. They look raw. My throat is so sore I don't even want to talk. So between this and pain in my tummy--not in the best of moods. I feel really tired but can't sleep. This rash is driving me insane. I want to scratch but am trying not to. Bad thing is...doctors offices are all closed today. (well its almost 4am.)

OOHHH sorry-----HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Gee don't I feel like a goof;lolol.
Good part is, I got through this without too much grief about the baby. I think I was fretting too much. I am starting to accept the fact that this has happened and I can't change it. I was not healthy enough to carry-obviously. And really...I could not manage a baby at this point in my life. Not that I don't feel remorse, as I do. Just trying to look at this in the sense that this was the way it had to be...things do happen sometimes for reasons unknown. And thats where we have to leave it.

But I do feel like poo-poo. Oh, and my dog messed big time in the house (speaking of poo);lololol. I really did not want to deal with a mess but there are worse things in life.

I am tempted to go to the ER. But its only a rash, and a couple other little things. Big deal. Don't have much further to insanity anyway (just kidding). I look like a wreck, so I am gunna hide in my bed and try to sleep.

Thanks for responding--in the SI department, I am okay.

Haunting
 
Joined
Oct 14, 2004
Messages
8,521
Points
48
Oh no, I hope you feel better soon. I'm glad you're ok in the SI department though and glad you made it through yesterday.
 

cm

Member
Joined
Oct 7, 2004
Messages
145
Points
16
haunting, sorry to hear you are sick and very uncomfortable. If you don't go to the ER I hope you will set up a doctor's appt. for a check up tomorrow. Do you have good medical advice available? I hope so. Take care and hope you feel better as the day goes on.
 

haunting

Member
Joined
Nov 11, 2004
Messages
142
Points
16
I did not go to the ER. I am going to the doctors tomorrow. My rash is still itchy. My throat is really sore and I am getting a nasty cough. But no fevers or anything so thats okay. My tummy feels much better.
I did call the health link for advice. She was worried that when I had fell, I may have injured my kidney as my urine was so dark. But its lightened some, so I am not as concerned with that now. May just be not drinking enough or a possible infection. So I will get things checked out in the am. Kids are coming home in about 2 hours. HURRAY, I miss them. So I will be careful though in case any of this is contagious. Last thing they need. I will let u all know what the outcome is. And I did not do any SI. I am really proud of myself. I kept focusing on the good stuff and I surprised myself. It worked!!

Haunting
 

cm

Member
Joined
Oct 7, 2004
Messages
145
Points
16
I'm happy that you're starting to feel better today and I hope you'll still keep you Dr. appt. to find out more about what's causing those symptoms that you described. I used to come down with reoccuring colds, very painful sore throat etc. Eventually, with some other symptoms, a thyroid problem was diagnosed and since that has been treated I rarely get really sick anymore, and recover faster. Even my allergies improved alot after thyroid treatment.
Well, keep doing those good things for yourself and getting better and better!
 

haunting

Member
Joined
Nov 11, 2004
Messages
142
Points
16
Okay, I have not cut in a while, which is good. I suppose I harm myself in others ways though. Why is it that I know my doctor is putting hospitalization into place and I feel more desperate than I have ever felt in a very long time. I can't believe how hard it is to be able to stay safe at this point. Is it maybe cause I have agreed to this and now I feel like I have lost so much control of not being able to do what I have done for so long. I mean this has got me by for such a long time, and now they tell me its time to let go and make changes. And they would be good changes right? So why don't I see it? And now fighting off what has been so hard to do....grrrr...not so easy. I tried to step away from this for a while and watch some TV..nope. I tried to play with our hampster..nope. I tried to eat...yuck. I have a drink that I poured an hour ago, its untouched. I tried to get rid of my headache..nope, still here. I would love to go to sleep, why??? I end up with nightmares, wake up in such a huffy, afraid to close my eyes again. I am going completely out of my mind. I can't sleep normally, can't eat normally, fretting the unknown, panicking beyond words.....ahhhhhh. Now what? Sure, could go to ER...thats what am I worried about in the first place. I just need to get through one night here.

Haunting
 

Latest posts


Top Bottom