How to deal with my father?

[Suzette]

I have a very, very weird father. Dang, how do I explain this.

My parents divorced when I was 16. My father had to leave although he breaked down the evening before he went.

I think right now as an adult that that was the time I lost him. The way I talked about him later after the divorce made people ask: "when did your father die?"

In the sixteen years he lived at home we were close. Although he was not interested in the things that interested me, when I joined him in the things he liked, we connected. I was definitely his favorite, I already felt it back then.

My father moved into a new home, in the same village I grew up, not more than half a mile away. The girlfriend he had (he did not cheat on my mother, he had told her about her, my mother agreed (!!) ) moved in with him within months.

I don't really recall, but I guess that is when the trouble started. We, as children, were not welcome to spend the night there saying that there was not enough room. But the relatives of his girlfriend could stay, that did not seem to be a problem. My father went all along in this. With a straight face he could say: "no, not possible, to stay here, we don't have enough room".

In the times after, he did not see that his wife (they got married two years later) did not love us, his children. She smiled at us, but her eyes said: I don't want you.

My father did not take a stand at all. I wonder whether he even noticed. I think he was dead afraid his new wife would finally leave him as well so he focussed completely on her. He did not take a stand at all. He joined her in her detached behavior towards us.

I felt I lost him. She was like the keyboard of a computer: whoever has it, can programme the computer (my father). When I talked to my father and thought: ah, he understands, or: I recognize him again that was only temporarily. As soon as she arrived, he chose for her again. He started running around probably remembering her wishes. I completely lost connection with him.

This is getting a long story, and I even haven't asked my question yet.

Edit:

I have to stop now here. I feel pain of the loss, need to take it slow. If people want to comment, please do. Thank you.

 

[Suzette]

I don't feel the need right now to figure this out.

In the other posts I made in the topic of BeagleCrazy I thought: that is how I have to do it: set limits, don't let yourself drag into the games.

I did not finish my story though. I don't feel like I want to.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't feel the need right now to figure this out.

And that's perfectly okay.

When you need to, and/or when you're ready to, you will.

 

[Suzette]

Thank you David. I also felt insecure because the end of my first post sounded a bit weird.

It is a bit confusing now for me: in the topic of BeagleCrazy I related to mind games and being stolen from by your parents.

I think (now my mind is almost smoking of figuring this out) that I better, way better, can post by the incidents that happen now in my life, than to start telling a long story to explain my father. Then it is too much and I stop before I can post the question I have.

Since it is so unbelievable and it sounds so weird that you accuse your father of stealing from you, I feel hesitant to post. I don't come from a family that supports my feelings unconditionally. On the contrary!!

Now this forum and the people on it are not my family, but I still fear for the same. "Are you sure?" etc. But BeagleCrazy has the same experience. And also it is difficult for me to face the facts here. Geezzz.

But the anger right now towards my father is only skindeep.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't come from a family that supports my feelings unconditionally. On the contrary!!

Are you familiar with the psychologist Carl Rogers and the concept of unconditional positive regard versus conditions of worth?

Now this forum and the people on it are not my family, but I still fear for the same. "Are you sure?"

Understandable. But be assured that we work very hard here to make this a safe place for all members. For example, we are careful to prohibit attacks on other members and to screen posts for comments that might trigger other members.

That said, I don't want anyone to feel inhibited or censored -- just to be aware that other members have particular sensitivities in a forum like this one. If someone is offended or hurt by a comment you might make, there is always another opportunity to explain that such was not your intention. And we have excellent moderators here that will keep an eye out for posts with potentially hurtful content.

 

[Suzette]

Hi David,

Thank you very much for your reply.

About the book: no I am not familiar with it. But I would not read it either since the overkill of therapists (I have a PTSD because of that) and therapy only makes me anxious when I for instance reads book about psychology. I have chosen for the practical approach and that is what works best for me.

Since it is so weird what I try to tell about my father I needed to post what I was afraid of: merely responses of 'are you sure?'. I applies to the old story: what you cannot see, you can hardly prove. But I do know that I am not retarded at all whatsoever and that I can rely on my feelings and experience with someone.

It is like you said: a sensitive spot (here on my side).

The anger and also disbelief towards my father is boiling up (hope I translated that well). So things are working here and when I feel like posting, I will post again.

Thank you again,

Suzette