How to grieve?

[Into The Light]

I've got something i think i need to grieve. the trouble is, i don't know how. i know i need to but somehow i just can't face it. I've been carrying on the last few weeks like life's fine and I'm alright. i do feel alright actually. but today for the first time in a long while i felt sad.

I'm kind of stuck with my situation right now. i don't feel like i can move forward. i can't look at photos of happier times, just can't bring myself to do it. even though i feel pretty good most of the time now.

i want to move on but at the same time i don't. somehow i can't let go of my pain. if i let myself feel it it means i am accepting it. if i accept the pain, it means i accept what has happened. and somehow i just can't. i just keep fighting against acceptance. i think acceptance means admitting to myself what i have lost. it feels like acceptance will lead to much more pain than what i have been feeling. it will make my loss reality.

not sure if anyone can follow what i just wrote. i don't know how else to describe it.

i have just spent 2 years of fighting against my loss. i just can't seem to give up. fighting against the change that came into my life that i did not want but that happened anyway. i just keep fighting against it all. as long as i fight things then maybe i haven't really lost what i have lost. I'm just hanging on to the past. I'm afraid of the pain i will feel if i let go. i don't know how to let go.

 

[Halo]

Re: how to grieve?

BBC

I can relate to part of what you are talking about. I too have some grief that I need to work through and have denied myself for almost 4 years now of doing that but I think that I am finally ready to face it.

To be honest I really don't have any magical answers (because as you know, if I did than I would have already used them on myself) but I can say that I think that there are many people on the forum that can relate to the process of grieving.

I have posted a few links below that might help you.

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/index.php?topic=3658.msg18425#msg18425

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/index.php?topic=1879.msg7554#msg7554

Hope the above can be helpful.

Take Care BBC and remember that you are not alone

 

[Cat Dancer]

Re: how to grieve?

I'm sorry that you're struggling with this. I had a day in my life a few years ago where something happened and everything changed.

I thought my life stopped that day. It didn't really, but I stopped living my life the way I had before. I stopped so many things, inside and out. And it was and is a loss, a huge loss. And I'm struggling with it still, how do I go on and be ok? How do I make sense of it?

I'm not really sure. I think therapy will help? I'm telling myself I can start over and my life is different and changed, and maybe that's not the horrible thing I think it is. I can't change what happened.

I don't know if what I wrote makes any sense. And I don't know exactly how you feel or anything like that, but I can relate a little bit. Especially about looking at pictures or remembering things that were from before this thing happened.

I am hoping time and therapy will help a lot. I think it can.

Anyway, you're in my thoughts.

 

[Into The Light]

Re: how to grieve?

thank you nancy. all the links are about grieving the death of a loved one, pretty much. no one has died in my case but i have a major loss i need to process. i can't really relate to the literature out there. i did see the comment that grief has its own schedule. what does this mean? that i just need to wait for it to come out? part of me would like to get it over with but a much bigger part of me does not want to deal with it. how do i get to the point that i want to deal with it? how do i get ready for it?

i am just concerned that i am not dealing with things. and as long as that is the case then my depression won't truly be resolved. i just refuse to accept my life can never be what it was. i know it can be happy again, but it will not be the same. it will be different. that saddens me so much.

janet i am sorry you had one day that changed your life. it's hard to deal with such a sudden change. i'm not so sure about therapy at the moment. we're working on cbt techniques now but i am wondering how will this help me with my grief. we only just started the cbt after several months of stress reduction and crisis management. we haven't focused on applying cbt to my issues yet, so i just have to be patient i guess. i just worry that when we're done nothing will have changed. right now i just can't see how it's going to help this particular issue in my life.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

BBC, are you talking about the loss of a relationship?

If so, you might find the following to be helpful:

Fisher, Bruce, & Alberti, Robert E. Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends (3rd Ed.). Impact Publishers, 1999

Fisher, Bruce, & Bierhaus, Jere. Rebuilding Workbook: When Your Relationship Ends (3rd Ed.). Impact Publishers, 2001

 

[Into The Light]

no not exactly. well sort of. i know it's hard to help if i don't explain the loss, but i don't want to put too much info here. that's the other problem. i can't really talk about it to anyone in person or here.

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

May I ask (with out prying into the actual subject matter) are you unable to talk about it because of the feelings you expieriance as a result or because it is subject sensitive?

 

[Cat Dancer]

Is it something you've been able to discuss with your therapist?

 

[Halo]

BBC

I really want to say something to help but as we don't know the specifics (and I am not asking that you tell us) it is difficult to find the right or best thing to say. I don't know if this would work but maybe looking at the references to the loss of a loved one and in your mind replace it with the loss of .......whatever it is that you are grieving.

Again, I wish that I could say or do more to help but one thing that I do know and can tell you is that I am here to listen anytime you feel you want to talk.

Take care

 

[Into The Light]

i guess it's not that sensitive. if i had the courage to open up i could tell you about it no problem. it would just be a bit identifying if i post it here. i can't talk to others in person about it because i feel they wouldn't really understand. well i am not good at talking about my innermost feelings to begin with anyway. i have a bit of trouble with this topic with my friends. i just don't know how to bring it up or what i would even say to them about it. it just feels like there is nothing to say. sometimes i wonder if there really is a problem, maybe i'm just making one up. the only reason it feels like things are off is the fact that i avoid pictures because i know they are going to make me sad.

my therapist is aware of it but we're moving on to cbt and i am just assuming for now that it will help me even though it's not quite clear to me. i mean cbt will certainly help me with other aspects of my life and i do need it. i just wonder if it will be enough. i'm just feeling a bit confused right now, i guess. i seem to get lost on the reasons for my depression. i want to fix the root causes but i'm not sure of what they are.

thanks for listening.

 

[ThatLady]

In reality, greiving is not only about the death of a loved one. Grieving can be about anything close to one that one feels is irrevocably lost. The process is the same, virtually, no matter the cause.

If you don't feel you can talk about these things on the open boards, there's always the Moderator's forum, or one of the other restricted forums that will allow you to speak without fear of exposure. We, here, accept you unconditionally, so you can expect no judgemental stances on our parts.

 

[Into The Light]

hi thatlady, if the process is the same, why do i feel like i can't relate to most of the articles about grief? it talks about all these things one could do like take a walk or write a letter or that sort of thing, but i'm not in an acute stage of grief. i can carry on like nothing's up. the only thing i am noticing is that in the last few days i'm not sleeping as well again, and i've been having headaches and this dull ache in my back has returned. that ache is in kind of a strange spot and it always feels like it's related to my feelings rather than due to anything physical. again this makes me wonder if i am just making up problems if i can function just fine and feel just fine for the most part.

 

[ThatLady]

People who are grieving are often able to carry on, appearing as though there's nothing wrong. Some people just have the ability to cover their feelings well. That doesn't mean, however, that they're not suffering inside. Sometimes, that suffering can take the form of vague aches and pains, headaches, inability to sleep, and all kinds of other unpleasant things.

It would probably be a good idea to see your doctor about these physical complaints, just to be sure there is no physical cause. If nothing is found, you might need a sleeping aid to see if getting some sleep would help you feel better. If not, grief counselling might be of value.

Taking a walk will work for some. Writing a letter to a lost loved one helps others to cope. Yet, there's no fool proof answer that will work for everyone. We're all individuals and we have our own needs.

 

[Into The Light]

thanks tl. i know i am healthy physically, and i have been taking something to help me sleep for a while now. now i just need to figure out what i am going to do with this.

 

[ThatLady]

If you've been taking the same sleeping aid for awhile now, it may not be working for you anymore. That's a known problem with sleeping medications. After awhile, the body grows accustomed to them and they don't work as well. Often, changing the medication will allow you to get the sleep you need.

 

[Into The Light]

i didn't know that, thanks for pointing it out

 

[ThatLady]

You're welcome!