ok, I honestly give up. It doesn't seem to matter how long I go without si or what else I accomplish, b/c I always end up going back to this. It doesn't matter if I can identify possible reasons why I do it or think of a trillion other coping mechanisms... I choose to si. Why would anyone do this to themselves?! I was looking in the mirror today and I started asking myself, almost yelling, why I thought that I was such a horrible person that I had to do this to myself, why I have to cut, why I have to starve and b&p...why???? Why would I do this to my own body??? It doesn't even bother me to see what I've done, it's like a movie playing out in front of me. It means nothing. It means so much and yet there's this empty space of nothingness. I used to count the days without si to set myself goals and it worked, until I slipped up.. but now, months go by, which should be a huge accomplishment but then I start again, as if I had never stopped.... what do I have to fear? no one will see it, no one will know. why should I stop? I can't make things go away, I can't get my life together, I just don't care. My body isn't my haven, it's my hell. Where do I go from here??? Why, why, why do I always go back???? It's the same w/ my ed... WHY do I always go back?????? Every time things get better, I know eventually, down the road, I will return.. b/c I've been through this a million times.