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SadGirl

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If someone is mean or rejecting, I am compelled to get close to them, sometimes my body literally just wants to go near them and the more they want me to get away, the more I want to get close, why do I do this and what can I do to change????
 

Lana

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Hi SadGirl;
Curious..how do you feel towards someone that is kind and accepting and wishes to get close to you?
 
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do you get uncomfortable because it means they might get to know the real you? that is how i feel. however in my case i don't want to be close to people who reject me. i just keep people at a safe distance. would you like for people to know the real you?
 

ThatLady

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I don't think anybody wants to be close to rejecting people. They're just not much fun to be around.

As to not wanting people to get to know the "real you", perhaps some of that comes from not really knowing, yourself, who the "real you" is. Maybe you think of the "real you" as someone who should be rejected. Maybe you're even rejecting yourself, in a way. It's something to think about.

In most cases, people are accepting. They have their own skeletons in their closets, just as we all do. They're not likely to judge you too harshly on yours. There are exceptions, but in my experience they're few and far between. Most people are good, giving and honest. They want to know you, and they want you to know them. We all get a bit antsy, at times, if we feel we aren't the perfect person. Yet...well, who is? ;)
 
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thatlady, your post made me stop in my tracks. i never gave it a second thought that i might not really know myself. i'm not sure what i think of this. however i do seem to reject myself, you are right there.

sadgirl maybe you look for other people to reject you because that hurts less than knowing that you reject yourself? that way you can focus on others rejecting you and not have to deal with your own rejection of you?

or maybe you try to protect yourself from being hurt by making it happen. that way you think you will be hurt less than if someone rejects you unexpectedly. maybe you are looking for a sense of control over -how- rather than -if- you are going to be hurt?

i could be way off on all of this. what do you think?
 

ThatLady

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Coming to truly know oneself is one of the more difficult things we have to do; especially, if one suffers from depression. We tend to look at ourselves through jaundiced eyes, seeing only the negative.

Here, on these boards, you come across as a caring person, and one with much depth of thought. Those are great assets that one can be proud of, and proud for others to know about. I only wonder if you see yourself as I do.
 
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hi thatlady, i've been thinking about what you've said here and i've come up with a few points.

1. about the "real me" - there are several parts to that. one is, yes, maybe i really don't know myself & reject myself. but the other part is, letting people know the "real me" makes me vulnerable. if i let them in they can hurt me. i need to protect myself from that. so to me the "real me" is a person who is very sensitive and has been hurt and needs to be safe. people do not know the real me because they do not know my fears and my worries and my hopes and dreams and that everything in my world has been shattered.

2. your words are very kind and i've had to digest them. i am only slowly discovering what a caring person i really am, and that i desperately need other people around me, i desperately need for people to know me and accept me for who i am. i know rationally i am a kind person, a caring person, but i feel like the world does not recognize that. i feel like my whole life i've been in a shell, and the full potential of me has nowhere near come out yet. my husband just told me the other day what a wonderful, loving, caring person i am, and i was surprised to hear these words, partly because it has been a very long time since i've heard them, but also because i've stopped thinking of myself that way. i thought of myself like that in the past, but never for the full 100%. probably for 60%, and now, maybe 5%.

the crazy thing is on my up days i feel like i am discovering my purpose in this life. i want to help other people. i want to help them through tough times and support them. without bringing meaning to others, my life seems faded. i am thinking that when the time comes i would like to switch careers to something totally different than what i am doing now. something where i can help people. but i do not know yet what or how or when. it would take a lot of time and a lot of money, i might be 45 at the least before i get there. but that might not be a bad thing, that will be more life experience behind me and make me able to better help people.

thank you for telling me i have much depth of thought, it means a lot. i've always been that way but never got recognition for that. mostly probably because i don't let people in on that side of me.

sadgirl, sorry for taking over your thread. i asked you in another thread what you think of all the feedback, same goes for here. does any of the previous replies mean anything to you? (or am i being too nice to you and should i be rejecting you so you can then feel comfortable answering me? ;))
 

ThatLady

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I hear what you're saying, baseballcap, and I agree with you. Often, we keep our real selves a secret from those around us because we're afraid of rejection...afraid to be hurt. However, the way to keep from being hurt isn't to keep our real selves a secret. Oddly enough, even when we do that, we still get hurt if we're sensitive folk. The way to stop that from happening is to learn how to control what, and who, gets to us.

We need to learn to consider the source of incoming information. If a person for whom we have great respect says something to us, we can give it consideration, ask questions, focus on the true meaning of the comment...perhaps, an effort to help us...and try to put any suggestions we feel we can use into action. If we realize that the comment made was made with true caring, it's less likely to cause us pain if we make it a point to realize that.

On the other hand, if a person we barely know, or one for whom we hold little respect, says something that could be hurtful, we have to learn to step back and analyze the situation. Do we really care what such a person thinks? I'll give consideration to any comment made to me, complimentary or otherwise; however, I won't let a hurtful person get to me. It took a long time and a darned good therapist for me to learn how to shut that out, but it can be done.

Hopefully, you'll use this forum to find out just how good a person you really are, and to take that knowledge to heart. If others can see it in you, perhaps we can help you see it, and believe it, too. :)
 
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thatlady, you have given me a lot to think about. i don't think i have anything to add at this moment. we'll see where cbt leads me, i am sure it will help some with this part of me.
 

SadGirl

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NO, you guys arent hearing me, i am compelled towards ppl that treat me like shit.
 

Daniel

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NO, you guys arent hearing me, i am compelled towards ppl that treat me like ****.

The first thing that comes to my mind is the women-with-low-self-esteem-are-attracted-to-jerks phenomenon as outlined below as Scenario #1:

David Baxter said:
Scenario 1
I have low self-esteem and self-confidence and I don't believe anyone could really love me because I'm not worthy of love.

The guys who are interested in me - they don't mean anything because they're obviously just not seeing the real me or I don't trust their judgement - otherwise they wouldn't be interested in me.

The guys who are not initially interested in me - I go after them because if I can make them like me it will prove to me that I really am interesting / pretty / worthy. But I know that won't happen.

Scenario 2
I'm afraid of being hurt in a relationship.

If I get into a relationship with someone who likes me, I may start to really like him too and then it will hurt when he dumps me.

If I get into a relationship with someone who doesn't care about me, then I'm less likely to care about him and then it won't hurt as much when he dumps me.

Scenario 3
I'm afraid that there's something wrong with me and I'll never have a good relationship.

If I am with someone who cares about me and treats me that way and it doesn't work out, that will prove there's something wrong with me so I can risk it.

If I am with someone who doesn't care ab out me (is a jerk) and it doesn't work out, that will just prove that guys are jerks or that relationships don't work - it won't be confirming evidence of my fear that there's something wrong with me.

Unconsciously Seeking Unhealthy Relationships
 

foghlaim

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sadgirl: i hear what you are saying, and i think some parts of the posts above are just as relevant to you as they are to BBC.

why do I do this and what can I do to change????
all i can answer to this question is, if you are not in therapy, then maybe you ought to find a therapist and bring this up. obviously it's causing you a lot of concern. same goes if youare in therapy already, bring it up soon ok.

meantime you can still come here and let us know how you are doing ok.

hope this helps a bit.

nsa
 

Lana

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SadGirl said:
If someone is mean or rejecting, I am compelled to get close to them, sometimes my body literally just wants to go near them and the more they want me to get away, the more I want to get close, why do I do this and what can I do to change????

Hi SadGirl;
If you could change, what would you change to? I am curious what "change" means to you and what is the outcome that you aim for.
 

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