I am sick about the possible repercussions.....

[Linny09]

To make a long story short, I'm a single mom with a 12 year old son. I have been single since he was 2.

I have always kept my personal life sheilded from him and just a couple of years ago intoduced him to my "friend" who he disliked immediately so I have always kept their contact minimal. As I have no intention of a permanent relationship with this person, our times together are always stolen.

Unfortunatly, about 1 month ago, at 2:00am, in my basement, (which I thought was a safe haven for us) he woke up, came downstairs and "caught us in the act." Saw mostly him, heard mostly me.

I cannot express the fury he expressed for hours following that incident- which one can only imagine.

The problem is that he is reminded of that incident every time anything sexual happens on TV- (which is constant) and instantly hates me all over again. He is also constantly suspicious now.

I also fear that I may have impacted his sexual health in some way and that kills me.

I'll do anything to help my son who is otherwise a smart, funny, athletic, affectionate kid. He also has a great dad who is very involved in his life.

And yes, as important as I thought my "friend" was as a break in my hectic, crazy life, I am saying goodbye to him.
Help!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

This probably isn't something the average 12 year old boy can talk to his mom about. I would suggest you give some consideration to trying to get him to see a third party (counselor) to give him a venue to express his feelings about what happened.

I'm not sure that saying goodbye to your "friend" is necessary or even advisable. It may be but it's also possible that it isn't about WHO your "friend" is but the fac t that you have a "friend" at all. If that's the case, what would your decision be? To remain celibate for the rest of your life?

 

[Banned]

If that's the case, what would your decision be? To remain celibate for the rest of your life?

You say that like it's a bad thing.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm not suggesting that it is necessarily a bad thing, although I don't think most people would list it as a first choice.

What I'm suggesting is that to ened a relationship because your 12 year old son is reacting the way many young people react when a separated/divorced parent starts dating again may not be the solution to what your son is experiencing. Sooner or later, you need to address and help your child address the real issue, which is probably that he's unhappy his parents separated and still holding out hope at some level that they will reconcile. That's pretty common in children and teens, even in the face of overwhelming evidence that it just is not going to happen.

 

[Banned]

I'm 31, my parents have been apart for 15 years, and I still wonder from time to time if there's anything I can do to get them back together, or if I could have done anything at the time to keep them together.

As far as celibacy goes - while many people wouldn't choose it perhaps, it's not that hard, either. In fact, I wonder why more people don't choose it. Hmmmm....

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I have often said that NOT being in a relationship, being entirely on your own, is much easier... no one to worry about, to one to check with when you have a sudden impulse to buy something or go out or decline an invitation to a social evening... no one to have to "put up with" (pretty everyone does something that irritates somebody)... only you to think about and worry about... it's all just so much simpler.

So why do we humans keep getting drawn back to relationships? Because there is a universal human need for connectedness, belongingness... for someone who will actually share your life, travel on the same journey along the same road with the same goal.

It's a double-edged sword, however. That's why we seek good rewarding relationships. That's also why many of us remain in bad relationships - fear of being alone and of not finding something better.

 

[Daniel E.]

In fact, I wonder why more people don't choose it.

In a way, natural selection chooses for them that they will have romantic involvement, especially if they haven't had children yet.

 

[Linny09]

Wow! What a flurry of responses going off onto all different kinds of tangents!

My main concern, of course, is what kind of damage seeing his mom doing that, has taken. If it were his dad, yes, it would be easier to explain.

I only consider breaking off with this person because he is solely a lover, (and yes, that's important to me), he is not more than that, much to his dismay, which is another story for another day.

L

 

[Banned]

In fact, I wonder why more people don't choose it.

In a way, natural selection chooses for them that they will have romantic involvement, especially if they haven't had children yet.

I am single, never married, never even dated. I'm celibate, chaste, whatever you want to call it. I can't imagine even wanting any of "that". Maybe I'm abnormal - who knows, but I'm happy with this and don't have any desire for any kind of relationship - romantic, physical, or otherwise.

I must be an oddity.

 

[Daniel E.]

My main concern, of course, is what kind of damage seeing his mom doing that, has taken.

As Dr. Baxter points out, that's probably not the real, underlying issue that is causing the distress. As you know, it's one thing to understand that "mommy has a boyfriend" and quite another to accept it.

Anyway, if I were you, I would certainly have your son talk to a counselor, as Dr. Baxter suggests. Of course, a child psychologist may be ideal if it is affordable or covered by insurance.

 

[Linny09]

I see that this has turned into a celibacy debate!

Certainly, getting back to the issue, the optimal route to go would for him to see someone and talk it out, which will probably be this outcome....I was just hoping to get a little company for my misery.

I'm feeling like I'm the only one this has ever happened to!

Thanks for the impute everyone.....

L

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I doubt that you're the only one it's ever happened to, Linny - my point was that he's a boy and you're a girl - and his mom on top of that. He probably isn't going to be very comfortable talking to you about it.

 

[Linny09]

I totally agree with you!

When he was around 10, I decided, with support from his father, that he should speak to a third party about his feelings regarding his dad and I not being together. The therapist told us that he was so protective of each of us that he refused to talk about anything even after we told him it was okay. After several weeks of this it was recommended that we stop as nothing was being accomplished.

Maybe another shot is in order. Maybe just a better therapist!



L

 

[Daniel E.]

This may be relevant:

Ideally children shouldn't see their parents having sex. However, if this happens the child will not be scarred for life! If possible it is a good idea to stay calm and just explain that you are having some loving private time. Occasionally a child becomes distressed because they think that one parent is hurting the other. Later on a parent can explain that it didn't hurt and both people were happy about it.

Child psychology with Ruth Jillings: Younger children and sex education

I think only someone like Freud would think (incorrectly) that a child would be "damaged" from having seen a parent having sex.

Walking-in on parents having sex is not uncommon and has been a topic in some TV family sitcoms like "7th Heaven." (Also, for most of human history when people were living in caves, one-room huts, etc. it was probably the norm to have seen a parent having sex.)

 

[Linny09]

Thank you Daniel, that was encouraging!