Ok, so here is the thing. Yes, Dave and I suffer from PTSD. But, we are also children of alcoholics. Since everything we went through with Dave's dad and the suicide, each day we are discovering more and more the things that have been warped in us by the years of alcohol abuse by our fathers. It is almost a daily event. We call it our daily epiphany. Kind of our way of making it a good thing. Dave's dad wasn't violent, mine was terribly. And I have quite a few issues that have come to light over the past 3 years. But, we have been coping, pretty well in my opinion.
Last December I injured my back, had to have spinal surgery and have been off work and on a buttload of medication since then. I am not a person who normally takes anything, except my Effexor since the need arose. Well, with all the meds I have been on, I decided to stop the Effexor. Now, I know what you are saying, and yes, it was a bad idea. And tomorrow morning I will be right back on them. That being said, I am so angry and so many different emotions, it isn't even funny. I am *****ed off that this has become the necessity for my life. And right this instant, I feel like the addict my father was.
I can't turn off my brain, I hate both of our fathers right now. Not only do we have the crap from the suicide, but all the crap has come back from dealing with my own father. And I am angry that I have become dependant on this med to keep my brain sane.
I, of course, am not sleeping, hence the letter at this ridiculous hour. I know once I am back on my medication, it will make things a bit easier to cope with. But, this minute, I just need to vent.
Dave and I have realized that this PTSD isn't new to us. This time, with the suicide, it just broke us. And now, each day, we have realized just how badly we were affected by the booze. Let's top it off with what we saw and we are just a laugh a minute.
And then, me having all this spine stuff. Tonite it is just so much.
I am mad at Dave's dad for all the that his suicide has brought to light. I am hating my dad for everything he did. It is just such a vicious cycle. I am just sooooo glad our babies will NEVER have to deal with booze and the damage it causes. Or, what it can bring. I know, logically, Dave's dad suffered for years with the booze, and what turned out to be bi-polar underneath all that booze, but I can't find any sympathy for any of it right now.
I will go back on my effexor tomorrow morning. And I know, once it is back in my system, there will be a brighter light cast on everything. I just know, what both of them have done, is unforgivable right now.
Sorry to just vent and run, but, since I am not sleeping, I am going to try and find something to do. Thanks to you all, and much love.
Last December I injured my back, had to have spinal surgery and have been off work and on a buttload of medication since then. I am not a person who normally takes anything, except my Effexor since the need arose. Well, with all the meds I have been on, I decided to stop the Effexor. Now, I know what you are saying, and yes, it was a bad idea. And tomorrow morning I will be right back on them. That being said, I am so angry and so many different emotions, it isn't even funny. I am *****ed off that this has become the necessity for my life. And right this instant, I feel like the addict my father was.
I can't turn off my brain, I hate both of our fathers right now. Not only do we have the crap from the suicide, but all the crap has come back from dealing with my own father. And I am angry that I have become dependant on this med to keep my brain sane.
I, of course, am not sleeping, hence the letter at this ridiculous hour. I know once I am back on my medication, it will make things a bit easier to cope with. But, this minute, I just need to vent.
Dave and I have realized that this PTSD isn't new to us. This time, with the suicide, it just broke us. And now, each day, we have realized just how badly we were affected by the booze. Let's top it off with what we saw and we are just a laugh a minute.
And then, me having all this spine stuff. Tonite it is just so much.
I am mad at Dave's dad for all the that his suicide has brought to light. I am hating my dad for everything he did. It is just such a vicious cycle. I am just sooooo glad our babies will NEVER have to deal with booze and the damage it causes. Or, what it can bring. I know, logically, Dave's dad suffered for years with the booze, and what turned out to be bi-polar underneath all that booze, but I can't find any sympathy for any of it right now.
I will go back on my effexor tomorrow morning. And I know, once it is back in my system, there will be a brighter light cast on everything. I just know, what both of them have done, is unforgivable right now.
Sorry to just vent and run, but, since I am not sleeping, I am going to try and find something to do. Thanks to you all, and much love.
