I can't face the truth; I've convinced myself nothing happened

[Crazy Cat]

My mom passed away this past July. In a previous post I said that I couldn't really grieve because I refused to believe it.

Now its almost 3 months later and I still haven't faced it. I can convince myself that she didn't die. Every time I do think and know she did, I start hyperventilating and go into an anxiety attack. So I tell myself it never happened.

My sisters & brothers and I have been going through my Mom's house, taking things we want & trying to clean out over 50 years worth of a life in that house. We get together about every Sunday. When I get there, I start to feel it but I felt that Mom's spirit was still there. Yet, when I see her belongings out for the taking, it kills me.

I feel so guilty for not facing this. I feel guilty for not praying for her. Yet for some reason I can't seem to "feel" it. Its not that I don't want to, but its like my mind won't let me. I don't know if that makes sense but its hard to put into words.

When my Dad died several years ago, I cried for months....and I mean CRIED. I was much closer to my Mom so I don't understand it. However, I also cried for her because I knew how heartbroken she was. Now I feel that they are together, which is maybe helping a little. (?)

I took my Dad's passing so bad that I had to quit my job (before I got fired) because I was either always late or just didn't want to get out of bed. I ended up getting addicted to pain pills about a year later. I self-medicated myself into avoidance. I wish I could do that now - but I've been clean for 2+ years.

I just realized that I guess I don't really have a question as much as I just wanted to vent.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Venting is okay. Maybe that's especially true with grief...

 

[Andy]

Hi Crazy Cat,

I am sorry about your mothers passing. I can't imagine.:support:

All I can think of is that maybe your in a bit of denial. You know how when some one who lives far away passes away and it doesn't seem like they have because they are "just away"as they always have been. Maybe it's sort of like that.

Maybe and this is what I would sayyour doing but I am no professional lol, if you were really close to your mom then maybe you have just numbed yourself because it is such an overwhelming loss.

Do you have someone you can try to talk this out with? A therapist or psychologist? If you start getting anxious when you think about it then maybe working on that with someone will help, so you don't just shut down the feelings right away because the more you do that, the more the whole thing will fester.

I don't know. There are some thoughts on your post anyway.

BTW: Congrats on 2 years! That is really awesome!:goodjob: