I tried to hide the fact that I had a mental health diagnosis by not disclosing to people that I met. I tried very hard to be normal but I am not normal so that was a stretch. I started learning social skills in my 30s and I learned a bit about CBT...when I went back to school at 36 years old I disclosed and went in as a student with a mental disability and I was relaxed going to the area designated for students with disabilities. I got extra time to complete exams...I got a lot of tools to help me get through school something I had given up on doing once I turned 30...I graduated at the top of my class and my picture hangs in the disability office as a student with a disability who was successful at completing college...as motivation for other students with a disability.
I had a breakdown in 2008...my inner child decided that she needed to be looked into or it was all over...I did not know what was happening....I just started thinking thoughts that were totally contrary to my core beliefs...I kept writing things in my journal that felt like they were being written by someone else...I kept reading it back and then saying...that is not me writing this and then I would respond to what was written as me...needless to say I ended up in hospital and they diagnosed me with Dissociative Disorder...I realized that I changed states...the ones I could identify were a hypnotic stage where I acted but was not in control of what I was doing, a robotic stage where I did what I was told without any regard to danger to myself mentally, emotionally or physically, a trance state...where I would get up in the middle of the night and head to the fridge and eat huge amounts of food...it felt like I was watching myself do this and was powerless to stop it...I would also be very coherent and could problem solve and converse easily and have fun...and then there was the incoherent stage where I could not think, converse or do anything but lie down in bed in a stupor not knowing what to do and not responding to phone calls, e-mails and losing time.
I did not connect with my inner child until this year...but she has been communicating desperately since 2008 ... now we are connecting and I am aware of her inside me like I would be aware of a child in my care...it takes some adjustment but I learned that she is in a lot of pain. For years I felt a pain inside me that i could not explain and just tried to dismiss or diminish...that was her saying I need help...I'm hurting...
She connected with me herself one day...I was on the computer typing into my journal when suddenly something took over my body and typed words that were totally out of whack with what I was typing...I then realized there was someone inside me with very different needs, a very different outlook and in terrible pain. She wrote what was hurting her and what she needed...she told me the things I did that caused her distress and she pointed out the people in my life that frightened her....
I then began to get a visual of her and several other children at different stages...all communicating their needs and exposing their wounds...
Needless to say the people that were in my life that I did not disclose to took tail and ran when I ended up on the mental ward in 2008 ... but I don't miss them...I realize they did not know me and would not have been in my life if they knew of my diagnosis.
I find it liberating to say that I am a person with a disability....It was hard to live in denial because my condition was so severe but I tried very hard to be 'normal' and to fly below the radar. It it not that I disclose to everybody I meet simply because I am not letting just anybody into my life. People that I just say hello to in the elevator don't need to know...it is none of their business....but people who want to be friends with me and start ongoing communication I disclose so that they have a choice up front.
Admittedly I have had people in my life that I did disclose to and they said they did not care and when the chips were down they walked around calling me a mental case to other people...so I have experienced a wide range of things...
What I learned from it all is that I cannot have stigma against myself or others with mental health difficulties. When I meet someone with a diagnosis that is new to me and I feel frightened I read up on it and I find that helps me to relate to them better.
I am also reading a lot about my own diagnoses finally...I wish I had started doing that at age 30...but I guess age 40 was not too late...I guess what I find heartening is that PTSD is treatable and potentially healable....my other diagnoses are not healable but treatable and I can function with them if I stay on medication and stay connected to the mental health system so i have a safe place where I can speak of issues around my other diagnoses which I may not be able to do in the workplace, or in general...just having a place where I can be my disabled self is good for me and knowing that I am not alone...
With the reading and the writing and the talk therapy and talking into my digital tape recorder (talking journal)...I feel like I have shaved off 40 pounds of weight off my mind and soul...the writing is like a cleansing and sometimes acts as a balm when I am in crisis...
I feel sad that there is stigma but am glad that slowly but surely I am becoming one of the people that don't stigmatize myself or anybody else with a mental health diagnosis...
I had a breakdown in 2008...my inner child decided that she needed to be looked into or it was all over...I did not know what was happening....I just started thinking thoughts that were totally contrary to my core beliefs...I kept writing things in my journal that felt like they were being written by someone else...I kept reading it back and then saying...that is not me writing this and then I would respond to what was written as me...needless to say I ended up in hospital and they diagnosed me with Dissociative Disorder...I realized that I changed states...the ones I could identify were a hypnotic stage where I acted but was not in control of what I was doing, a robotic stage where I did what I was told without any regard to danger to myself mentally, emotionally or physically, a trance state...where I would get up in the middle of the night and head to the fridge and eat huge amounts of food...it felt like I was watching myself do this and was powerless to stop it...I would also be very coherent and could problem solve and converse easily and have fun...and then there was the incoherent stage where I could not think, converse or do anything but lie down in bed in a stupor not knowing what to do and not responding to phone calls, e-mails and losing time.
I did not connect with my inner child until this year...but she has been communicating desperately since 2008 ... now we are connecting and I am aware of her inside me like I would be aware of a child in my care...it takes some adjustment but I learned that she is in a lot of pain. For years I felt a pain inside me that i could not explain and just tried to dismiss or diminish...that was her saying I need help...I'm hurting...
She connected with me herself one day...I was on the computer typing into my journal when suddenly something took over my body and typed words that were totally out of whack with what I was typing...I then realized there was someone inside me with very different needs, a very different outlook and in terrible pain. She wrote what was hurting her and what she needed...she told me the things I did that caused her distress and she pointed out the people in my life that frightened her....
I then began to get a visual of her and several other children at different stages...all communicating their needs and exposing their wounds...
Needless to say the people that were in my life that I did not disclose to took tail and ran when I ended up on the mental ward in 2008 ... but I don't miss them...I realize they did not know me and would not have been in my life if they knew of my diagnosis.
I find it liberating to say that I am a person with a disability....It was hard to live in denial because my condition was so severe but I tried very hard to be 'normal' and to fly below the radar. It it not that I disclose to everybody I meet simply because I am not letting just anybody into my life. People that I just say hello to in the elevator don't need to know...it is none of their business....but people who want to be friends with me and start ongoing communication I disclose so that they have a choice up front.
Admittedly I have had people in my life that I did disclose to and they said they did not care and when the chips were down they walked around calling me a mental case to other people...so I have experienced a wide range of things...
What I learned from it all is that I cannot have stigma against myself or others with mental health difficulties. When I meet someone with a diagnosis that is new to me and I feel frightened I read up on it and I find that helps me to relate to them better.
I am also reading a lot about my own diagnoses finally...I wish I had started doing that at age 30...but I guess age 40 was not too late...I guess what I find heartening is that PTSD is treatable and potentially healable....my other diagnoses are not healable but treatable and I can function with them if I stay on medication and stay connected to the mental health system so i have a safe place where I can speak of issues around my other diagnoses which I may not be able to do in the workplace, or in general...just having a place where I can be my disabled self is good for me and knowing that I am not alone...
With the reading and the writing and the talk therapy and talking into my digital tape recorder (talking journal)...I feel like I have shaved off 40 pounds of weight off my mind and soul...the writing is like a cleansing and sometimes acts as a balm when I am in crisis...
I feel sad that there is stigma but am glad that slowly but surely I am becoming one of the people that don't stigmatize myself or anybody else with a mental health diagnosis...
