I don't care anymore

[XWillowX]

got to the point were i dont care anymore.
Ate very little yesterday.
My partner says it's up to me what i do , he cant force me to eat.
I feel like am doing what is necessary.
There is so much pressure from my family to be perfect, something am not.
I do have professional help but with my mental health not my ED.
I have told them about me not eating and restricting but they said because am overweight that there isn't a problem.
**** them.
I dont need help from anyone any way.
Am fine doing what am doing.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: I dont care anymore

Why are you restricting, Willow? Do you know? Why do you not have professional help for your ED?

I dont need help from anyone any way. Am fine doing what am doing.

I doubt that this statement is accurate. You may wish it were true but it really isn't, is it?

Tell us more about why and how your family pressures you to be perfect...

 

[Andy]

Re: I dont care anymore

Sorry to hear that your not caring anymore Willow.

Overweight or not, restricting obviously isn't healthy.
It is, in my opinion a lot harder to get treatment for an ED when your older. Treatment seems to be aimed at younger people, or it use to be anyway, I think there may be a little more options now.

Do you have a mental health team? If they aren't taking you seriously with the ED stuff and you want help with it, could you go to your regular medical doctor and ask him/her for a referral somewhere? Just because they don't want to help you doesn't mean you don't need help.

Your partner can't force you to eat but I am sure he worries so much when you don't. No one's perfect, maybe you feel the need to live up to their expectations but if their expectations are perfection then they are asking for the impossible, because perfect doesn't exist.

 

[XWillowX]

Re: I dont care anymore

I am restricting because i feel self destructive and that i need to lose weight .
Am so fat.
Like i said before i talked to my psych about the eating and she said that i was over weight and didn't see it as a problem .
But am going to go back to her and tell her things have gotten worse. i have mental health team , but i could talk to my dr about it .
My family expects a lot out of me, Am the one who is meant to fix everything for everyone in my family.
If there is problems then am the one they come to and i sort it out .
Am meant to be the one who is strong for everyone else , no matter what is going on.
Also am expected to perform in front of people from a very young age, my mum would get people to come and watch me perform . I had to get the performance right first time , no matter what.
My sister is the black sheep of the family and she normally behaves like she has no responsiblys even though she has 5 kids .
My mum use to abuse me from the age of 10 would force me to eat while slapping me and telling me i have to eat it right one bite at a time , She would inspect my clothes to make sure i was neat all the time I couldn't get it dirty at all no matter what i did , i wasn't aloud to play outside because my clothes would get dirt. now a days She expects me to be the one with out problems that i cant have mental health problems , I cant be the one who was abused and i cant be the one who is cutting .
I have to be perfect so she can show me of to her friends and the rest of the family

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: I dont care anymore

You don't live with her anymore though, do you? Why do you still have to perform for her, live up to her expectations?

When do you get to take care of you?

 

[XWillowX]

Re: I dont care anymore

No , i don't live with her any more . I haven't performed for her for a while ,but she uses my nieces against me .
But they are now over 16 now She would say that i couldn't see them before.

 

[Yuray]

Re: I dont care anymore

She would say that i couldn't see them before.

Can you see them now?

 

[XWillowX]

Re: I dont care anymore

yes i can now there old enough now to make there own decisions

 

[Yuray]

Re: I dont care anymore

So she's not using your nieces against you anymore?, and your performing days are over?

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: I dont care anymore

Willow you need to look after you now okay NO ONE else okay You need to eat properly even if one is overweight because if you stop eating then your system slows down and you can gain even more weight. You need to eat 6 small meals a day okay I think talking to your doctor again is a good idea perhaps ask to be refered to a dietitian okay. Your mother has no more control over you now I know the pain is still inside but if you can get some councilling to help you work through all the past abuse this will also help with your eating disorder. I have always been the carer of so many but now see the first and most important person her Willow is you. You take care of you okay because you deserve that attention and that care and that compassion you really do...

 

[ggb]

Re: I dont care anymore

"I have to be perfect so she can show me of to her friends and the rest of the family."

That is tremendous pressure while growing up and overeating seems inevitable for one to do. I know I would.
And it is easy to not care at all anymore. It is also easy for me or anyone to say "to do this, or that. to stop eating or stop that, etc." when your emotional vibrations say and feel otherwise, specially the vibration you still have on your mother or your self - the vibration of anger, pain, hurt.

And I agree with Violet when she said:
"You take care of you okay because you deserve that attention and that care and that compassion you really do..."

 

[Raina]

Re: I dont care anymore

Hi,

I have been on both ends of the spectrum and in between. I have been over three hundred pounds and close to a 100 lbs at 6'1...I have settled on a comfortable weight and am having the worst time staying there....I kinda know how you feel about your past....I was 36 years old before it dawned on me that it was okay if I was thirsty in the middle of the night to go and get a drink of water...simply because growing up...and when I married young...I was not allowed out of bed once I got in without there being a lot of drama....

It is also hard to get help...people often told me to get help but then being able to say what I needed was not so easy because I was not so clear or could not express myself in a way that would motivate the helping professions to respond in the way I needed them to...there was also a time when I just did not know what to do or what to ask for...and I was shut down in much the same way you are...now I am at the point where I fight back...I take the position that I know now what I need so if I don't get it one place I look for it elsewhere....I keep talking and now with the internet and so many books written there is a lot of self help information out there...

I also understand having a frame of mind that prevents me from moving forward and limits my options...just because I am overcome by feelings that I do not understand that have been pent up for years...it is not an easy situation that you are in....I guess the only suggestion that I can offer is that I took my healing and my life into my own hands...I don't leave it up to anybody else because nobody understands me like I do and there is nobody as interested in my needs like me...I need support but a lot of the work involved a lot of changing of my thinking and my behaviour..something that I had to decide to do and then do no matter how uncomfortable it was at first...

You can get through this...with support and work...like everyone has said reach out but remember it takes time to get to the core issues and the fallout is painful when you realize what they are....it takes courage to work through issues coming out of childhood abuse...I can relate to being the one that people expect to be strong..but I broke down...people left when that happened but I decided that I still had me and God and that I could find new people that did not have that expectation of me...I too have a niece that I wanted in my life but I had to put my healing ahead of spending time with her...I could not juggle both...she is under 12 and is still very needy and demanding and I just don't have the energy...it was a tough choice but liberating too...I realized that I had to heal in order to be a positive influence in her life and I had to be strong for me first everybody else second....

I'm making progress...a lot of progress so there is hope and I keep in touch with my niece by e-mail occasionally...I let her know I care but that I need time to take care of myself right now....

I overeat to soothe myself and to get comfort hence my period of being over 300lbs...now I am 220 pounds...and my goal weight is 180...I was that weight two years ago...but I ate on 40 pounds that I now have to lose...I gained 20 in the last three months alone...because I was going through a rough patch and ate and ate and ate for comfort...

Wishing you movement in the direction that you need to go...and I so get you not caring anymore...I went through that too...I gave up on myself many, many times...the good thing is that you can change your mind and recommit to yourself and try, try, try again...knowing that life hurts us all...so we are all in good company...

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Willow, have you had a chance to tell anyone what your mother is/was like?

It sounds like your mother let your sister get away with everything and you had all the strict regulations force on you. That wasn't fair, in my opinion. If these selfish people keep asking you for help and keep taking things from you without letting you have some time for yourself, then it sounds to me like they don't respect you and they just want things from you. If they don't give something back or offer to help you sometimes, that is definitely not fair to you.

I agree with everyone here that you need to take care of yourself. Go "on strike" and refuse to help anyone else but yourself for a good long time. Be brave and put your foot down and tell them "No." Your sister and mom are grown women, they don't need you to take care of them. It sounds to me like someone needs to tell them to grow up and be adults and be responsible for themselves. Maybe that person could be you! 8)

I hope you have had a chance to talk to a therapist about your family dynamics, and about your trying not to eat anything. You don't have to hurt yourself to make yourself heard. You don't have to hurt anyone. Just take some time for yourself to do what you need to do and for a change, if you put down some boundaries and your mom or sister don't respect them, you might need to tell them to leave you alone. Your mom and sister might put up a fuss and make it sound like they can't do anything on their own, and that you're hurting them because you aren't doing things for them, but you can always tell them that yes they can, they just have to get off their own butts and do it instead of expecting someone else to do it for them. Tell them you aren't a babysitter for grown adults. Tell them when you do things for them it is called "enabling" them to continue taking and taking away your energy and time, taking you for granted, making you responsible for things you don't have to be responsible for, and you are a human being and you are not some kind of bottomless well they can draw from and drain and drain until you are completely dried up and withered.

You go girl! Hope this helps a bit!