I don't know what to do about my friend

[David Baxter PhD]

I have returned with bad news, my friend broke her leg two days ago and was almost killed, I don't know the full story but I was told that she was in a crash of two four-wheelers down in the creek, she's not back in school, infact I've heard she is still in the hospital, possibly in intensive care. From what I have heard from her parents she is begging for forgiveness for all she's done, which really gives me a shakey feeling, it makes me feel strange just thinking about it, expecially since I had been planning to go down there with her and a few other friends before I was grounded.

This could be a good thing -- it sounds as if she may have frightened even herself this time -- maybe you have both learned something important...

I don't see why she makes such a big deal about a few scratches.

Because she'as a parent - worrying about kids is part of being a parent - she can't stop doing it and you can't stop her doing it. It's not a bad thing -- it means she loves you and wants you to be safe and happy, that's all.

 

[Ash]

I would be more concerned if your mother *didn't* care! Take it as a good sign. And as a parent I agree that you never stop worrying about your kids.

 

[dmcgill]

FriendinNeed
I am somewhat worried about you. I deal with young people too in my practice, just like David and have read this whole thread. The advice you have got is great stuff.
There is a fine line between caring for a friend and enabling your friend to continue being careless with her life. If you can worry for her, she doesn't have to. I know this may sound harsh but it is true. It sounds like she really leans on you and you are trying very hard to hold her up. Don't forget your own health ok. Coming to this forum and making a cry for help is a great start but I would suggest you go to a counselor in your area and get some advice on what you should do with your life.
Continue to be a friend but try not take her problems on your back.

 

[Ash]

I agree, d. It's very easy to become so involved in someone else's "baggage" (for want of a better term) that you forget to take care of yourself.

 

[FriendinNeed]

My friend is doing well she is back in school, I'm her buddy, I carry her books, and she talks to me the way we used to and we're back as good friends. I was surprised when I first saw her, she was covered in huge scratches and bruises.
I managed to prove to my mom that it wasn't drugs that I had that day, but I got grounded because I did it in a rude way. And she's still concerned because I can't eat, I probably could if I was willing to deal with the pain and the time it would take, but I'd rather just skip it all together. She's also been messing with my head, which also got me grounded longer because I called her a jerk and hung up the phone on her, she threatens to take away/kill/abandon/give away, all my pets, she says I've been having a bad attitude, which is probably true. While trying to make me feel better though nothing was wrong she said that I was sad about my dad, and for some reason which I can't even understand now, at that moment I pushed her out of my room and slammed the door in her face, getting me even more groundation. So as it adds up now, I'm grounded for the next three months, and my mom thinks I've cracked.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

That's great news about your friend, FriendInNeed.

However, I'm a bit confused about this part:

And she's still concerned because I can't eat, I probably could if I was willing to deal with the pain and the time it would take, but I'd rather just skip it all together.

and this:

While trying to make me feel better though nothing was wrong she said that I was sad about my dad, and for some reason which I can't even understand now, at that moment I pushed her out of my room and slammed the door in her face

What is the pain associated with eating?
Why does she think you are sad about your dad?

 

[FriendinNeed]

The pain with eating is before, I had spacers, they hurt, I quit eating, then we went back to the dentist and I got some sort of expander put in, it hurts worse, so I can't eat, and I have to get four teeth pulled soon, which will probably only make the pain worse.
My dad is in Iraq, he has been there since two days before my birthday, but I didn't care, since I always consider my birthday the worst day of the year anyways, and when he comes back, if he doesn't have to stay for another year, he'll be back right after my birthday.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

The pain with eating is before, I had spacers, they hurt, I quit eating, then we went back to the dentist and I got some sort of expander put in, it hurts worse, so I can't eat, and I have to get four teeth pulled soon, which will probably only make the pain worse.

Ouch. I assume that your mom knows about the pain? Isn't there anything you can do, either to reduce the pain when you eat or to eat "soft" foods that don't aggravate as much (e.g., soups, yogurt, soft vegetables, etc.)?

While trying to make me feel better though nothing was wrong she said that I was sad about my dad, and for some reason which I can't even understand now, at that moment I pushed her out of my room and slammed the door in her face

My dad is in Iraq, he has been there since two days before my birthday, but I didn't care, since I always consider my birthday the worst day of the year anyways, and when he comes back, if he doesn't have to stay for another year, he'll be back right after my birthday.

Do you think maybe your mom guessed correctly? I'm not suggesting that this is the only thing bothering you in your life, but maybe it's part of it?

 

[FriendinNeed]

Yes, she does. My brother got an expander too, but she doesn't mind that he's skipping meals cause it hurts. I've tried to stop the pain, but I can't, and I could eat soft foods if I wasn't so picky about eating together in the first place, I dislike most food and I only eat what I know I like. I agreed to eat applesauce but we don't have any so she keeps saying I'm starving myself, which is technically true, but it's not my fault.

I'm not sure, I did feel a little sad at first but now I forget I even have adad for weeks at a time, it's not something I think about. If it wasn't for school I wouldn't hear about the news over there, and I don't really care much because I don't think about it.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

My brother got an expander too, but she doesn't mind that he's skipping meals cause it hurts. I've tried to stop the pain, but I can't, and I could eat soft foods if I wasn't so picky about eating together in the first place, I dislike most food and I only eat what I know I like.[qupte]
There you go: She's worrying about you because you have always been a picky eater and now you are eating less; plus you hang out with someone who is anorexic -- of course she is going to worry about you.... and less about your brother because my guess he isn't as picky and hasn't reduced his food intake as much.

I did feel a little sad at first but now I forget I even have adad for weeks at a time, it's not something I think about. If it wasn't for school I wouldn't hear about the news over there, and I don't really care much because I don't think about it.

Remember that this question came up because at one point your mom mentioned your dad being away and you said, "for some reason which I can't even understand now, at that moment I pushed her out of my room and slammed the door in her face". When we suppress or push away thoughts about things that bother or upset us in some way, they often will rush back in when we let down out guard -- my guess is that your dad being overseas does bother you a lot even if you are doing your best not to think about it.

 

[FriendinNeed]

My friend is good, but not happy, she hates herself because of what's going on with me because of what happened to her. My mom is more mad at me than ever, she is all the sudden accusing me of random things, taking my computer away for a while at a time. And right now the main thing that is making her upset with me is because my leg is purple and blue because my brother threw a hammer at me on accident, atleast that what he says, I'm not so sure about that. And he didn't get in trouble for it, I did, I'd figure he'd be grounded by now for all his taunting, besides he's the one with a history, he's had the police called on him twice, and was almost expelled, and is on the verge of being expelled this year too. If it weren't for my pets I would've been out of that house months ago. The only good thing is that I'm not suffering alone, my friend which feels guilty feels sorry for me, and my other friend is going through a different crisis with her on-the-verge-of-abusive step-dad for sneaking a guy into her room at 10:30pm.

 

[Ash]

I'm really curious why you would be the one in trouble for abuse committed towards you. Doesn't make much sense.

 

[FriendinNeed]

I know it doesn't make sense, I think she's totally lost it, or I have.
The expander thing is no longer being tightened daily so I should be able to eat, but I still can't, it doesn't hurt, I just can't eat, I feel like I'm never hungry anymore. And one my close friends has been yelling at me and we've been getting into arguments alot, she is constantly asking me what's wrong and that's usually what starts every argument. She says I've changed somehow. My mom lets me out of the house only to walk the dogs, and when she asks where I went she always says I'm 'audacious' when I tell her about my cliff-climbing at the creek, if I even knew what audacious ment I would have said something back, but I've just been ignoring her and going to my room when she says that.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

audacious

• invulnerable to fear or intimidation; "audacious explorers"; "fearless reporters and photographers"; "intrepid pioneers"
• disposed to venture or take risks; "audacious visions of the total conquest of space"; "an audacious interpretation of two Jacobean dramas"; "the most daring of contemporary fiction writers"; "a venturesome investor"; "a venturous spirit"[/list:u]

• 
  I don't think your mother is trying to insult you -- she's trying to make you more cautious and careful.
  
  I can't remember for sure if this is something we've discussed before -- I don't think so because originally this was about your concerns about your friend and what to do to help her -- have you considered trying to see a counsellor yourself, maybe through your doctor or through the school? perhaps one that could help you talk to your mother and try to help her understand your point of view a bit better?

 

[FriendinNeed]

No, I'd never want my mom to know about what's going on in my life, before this ever happened I never talked to her, or atleast I tried not to, now that's all that she wants to do. She's complaining about everything, she's complaining because I walk funny from where I got hit with the hammer, she's complaining about the 'hissing' noise I make when I yawn, she's complaining about a burn on my knee that she's blamming me of doing on purpose, and she's starting to ground me a week for everyday that I don't walk the dogs that used to be completely optional. She's also complaining about where I walk the dogs, and how long I walk the dogs, which I can understand a little since I walk the dogs pretty much anywhere within a 2 mile radius, and I have once walked them for five hours, but still. And now me and my friend aren't even talking and everyone at my bus stop thinks I have some deadly disease or something, and that I'm going to commit suicide.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

If you don't talk to anyone, they will begin to worry and/or gossip about you. If you want that to stop, one way to do it is to be less secretive... people are fascinated by other people who seem mysterious and if that's the way you want it to be, that's okay maybe... if not, as I said, let the people around you a little more into your life...

 

[sammy]

Hi Friend in Need...
Could it be that your mother is not really complaining, but worrying.... because she cares?
You said she wants to talk now.... would that be possible?
I know it might seem like a hard thing to do (for you)... but it could be worth it... you might be able to put her mind at rest with it.
Then she may cease getting on to you.
It's just an idea....