I don't know why I feel depressed

[SaRangHae1027]

3 years ago. I just felt this way when my parents had a big argument over something, and it was near my Junior High graduation date. When that date finally came, my dad didn't go. Just because of the argument with my mom. And then I just felt sad all along.

Aside from that I've lost a friend who was 4 years older than me. He died in a car accident. I started to see the world differently. I started to hate school, I mean what's the point? He was very smart, graduated in Stuyvesant High(NY). I looked up to him. He was the only person that I looked up to, but he lost his life just by one accident. I slacked off in eight grade just because I realized there's no point of living when a person could die at anytime like him. I totally ruined my junior high transcript.

My parents who've been arguing all their life, yet never get to the point of divorce, don't even care a crap about my grades. I just don't like how they argue all the time. It just gets me depressed. They don't care about my grades either. Now that I'm in my last year and last term of high school, I don't want to graduate. I just felt that day will come again. I just don't want to have another unhappy graduation.

They never understands me. They make me feel sad but don't care. You know like "oh get over it, go get a life, grow up." etc.. They put me down, nothing appreciates them. It's like they'll only give a damn if I got in trouble in school or something otherwise, everything else is nothing.

I got in national honor society in school. My friends were happy for me. But when I saw that paper, I just felt depressed. Like who cares? I'm not smart, I'm just dumb like an idiot. I didn't tell my parents either. I just don't like how they become sarcastic and gossip about it. I just don't like how they spread it around the neighborhood telling everyone.

Since it's winter recess, the other day I just wrote a poem expressing my feeling. And I really feel this way.

"I feel sick...
I feel depressed.....
I feel like crying.......
Tears roll down my face everyday.
I cry for no reason.
I don't know why depression existed in my life, ever since 8th grade.
I really don't want to feel this way.
I don't know why. Why did I even exist in this world?
I feel like I don't belong in society. I don't appreciate life.
I want to be alone.
I feel dumb, stupid. However you like to call it.
No one will understand how I feel. I don't like anything.
I wish I can sleep everyday and don't think about anything.
I wish I can just sleep and never wake up in reality again.
It's such a joke that I'm taking psychology. Simply a joke for a depressed girl like me.
I never think about the future. I think about ending my life.
I don't like to talk to anyone. I always try to isolate myself from the rest of the world.
I don't like to make friends. I like to be alone.
I feel so different from everyone else in school, at home.
I feel tired each and everyday.
I always wished I'm sleeping.
Everyday it seems to get harder and harder to breathe.
I feel like I'm slacking off in school. I don't belong in the National Honor Society. Such a joke that I'm qualified. I'm simply stupid. I'll let everyone down if I joined it. I wish I can be opted out. Why does it have to be mandatory? I just felt depressed when I saw that paper in front of my face.

Living in this World of Depression, I will never see the bright side of the world again.
Between black and white, there's no other colors but grey.
If I ever leave this world, it will be happiness that I'm seeking for.
I don't like to talk. I like to shut my mouth. I like to be quiet.....

I don't want anyone to give a damn about me anymore.
I want to be alone.
I just want to be alone.
Leave me alone............"

I just know I want to be alone. That's how I feel. I don't know why I cry for no reason either. I don't want to make friends with anyone either. I fear they will die like the guy friend I mentioned above.

 

[Eunoia]

hey hun! ok, 1st thing 1st... what your parents did w/ your junior high graduation wasn't ok, they should have sorted out their differences on their own w/out pulling you in. and even though your dad didn't go w/ your mom you're the one that got hurt in the end. I think you should tell them that for your high school graduation you want both of them to come under the condition that they do not fight. If you don't think they'll come or that they'll fight try bringing a friend.. like a relative, family friend, and older friend etc so you can at least have someone there. You should be proud of finishing high school even if you feel like you have noting to be proud of. It sounds like you have great friends and have achieved a lot so far and you've been through a lot.
I am really sorry about your friend. It's very very difficult to loose someone no matter in what manner, and it definately takes time. But remember your friend for the time you had together and the joy he brought into your life then. You were lucky to have had him in your life even if it was for such a short time and he was taken away so abruptly. But I'm sure he would have wanted you to be happy and move on w/ life, right??? Did you ever talk to anyone about this at all (you said you fear making new friends and losing those as well)? I know it may not seem like you needed/need to but from own experience I think talking to people about this helps a whole lot... just being able to acknowledge feelings about it. Don't worry about your transcript too much... junior yr. grades do not matter that much at all.. and even if there are plenty of opportunities even w/out having had straight A's. I sure didn't all yrs and I'm still fine (same story w/ everyone else). High school doesn't determine who you will be in life. It's only the start.

Have your parents ever talked to anyone about their problems? I guess the best thing you can do is remember that it's not your fault and try to communicate to them how they're affecting you. They probably don't "care" about your grades b/c you're doing fine in school. Like you said, unless you get in trouble they don't really notice... did you ever try talking to them about the good things, like getting into the honors society you were talking about? I find that I feel like sometimes my parents don't acknowledge things like that either, but I also know I sometimes don't even tell them about those things. maybe try to involve them more? you may not like it when they announce things to the neighbourhood as you said but don't you think at least on some level that shows that they are proud of you? Be proud of your accomplishments so far or the fact that you've made it this far, almost until graduation, w/ your parents arguing and your friend's death and trying to complete classes etc. I'm so sorry you feel like your parents aren't supporting you. It sounds like they're really caught up in their own troubles. Is there anyone else in your family that you're close w/? An older sibling? An aunt/ uncle? They can not only be there for you but maybe try talking to your parents?

Crying for no reason, wanting to be alone, wanting to sleep, feeling tired are all signs of depresion. It's a horrible feeling and you shouldn't have to go through that alone. Is there a school counselor you can talk to??? They are trained to understand what you're feeling. Even just to talk about feelings in general. You say you don't know why depression existed ever since 8th grade, but you also said that the thing happened w/ your graduation and your friend's death. Those are reasons, right?
You shouldn't have to feel the way you do. But it won't change until you confront those feelings and ask for help. I hope that by coming here you will find the help/support/advice you need hun! You've already taken a huge step by posting here. You're not alone, ok, don't ever forget that???

 

[SaRangHae1027]

thx for your reply. I don't feel like talking to my parents about this. It's like the only way we communicate is arguing as well...they don't agree with anything I say nor do they care. I don't think they like me either because I'm not active or talkative like my sister. I'm just the only one in the family who keep to myself and quiet, probably that's why they don't like me. And I feel I don't trust anyone. I don't think counselor would help. just my opinion. I just lost trust in everyone around me.

I don't look like i'm depressed in school. I just don't want anyone to know, i don't want them come bothering me and see me like a person with mental illness or something.

Right now I'm trying not to care about my parents arguing. I just don't want it to interfere with my study. But I feel angry inside like I want to explode everytime I hear them argue. Everytime they argue, after a while they'll get back together like nothing ever happened. They can argue over the smallest thing, even how salty the veggies on the dinner table can become an argument. It's just simply rediculous.

By the way I found this forum through google. I thought I really gotta do something about how I feel instead of keeping it to myself all the time. Thx for all the support and advice.

 

[exhausted]

I am sorry for your friend's death, that is a difficult thing to overcome. And feeling indifferent or misunderstanding your parents (perhaps they are distant too you) is actually normal as well.
I see myself in you at that age. I have to tell you that your post sounds totally normal to me. I know others will think I am weird for saying that, but in a day where pshyc meds are the answer for everything there is one thing the world forgot. The growing pains of growing into an adult are always confusing, depressing, and difficult. These things you are going through will mold you into a fine adult one day. You will have an understanding of death that other's will not have and be able to comfort another youngster one day. You will remember how your parents were to you and turn it around when you have your own kids one day.

You will take all these confused mixed up feelings, eventually organize them, and use them ALL to your advantage one day. Your not just in High School but life school right now. Use it, learn from it. You'll come out feeling accomplished and happy soon. It may take a few years, but soon you will be on your own and you will have grown emotionally into a beautiful person, not despite of your troubles now... but because of them.

YOU go ahead and excell in school with or with out your parents knowledge, however I feel they are missing out on something. You do this for YOUR future. YOU do it for you. I would say do it for me, because I would hate to see such brilliance and hope go down the drain, but as a teen you wouldn't see it that way.

Also, misunderstanding parents, and parents misunderstanding kids is always a big issue as you move your way into adulthood. I am sorry about your Jr. Hi graduation.... but your High School Graduation... with honors... is YOUR accomplishment for your dedication and hard work. Don't let anyone take that away from you.

Again, as a long time volunteer for things, I would like to suggest you stay away from your home in the afternoon by volunteering somewhere to help people. By doing this you kill two birds with one stone...
You get away from any negative family atmosphere
AND
You will find a peace in helping others. The world looks different when you help others who can't help themselves and suddenly your life won't seem that bad.

SQ