I don't know why I'm here ...

[butterfly88]

I'm not sure what to get out of this. I'm not technically new - but I've been absent for a while, and I've never posted before - so that's why I'm posting here ...

My DXs include major depression, generalized and social anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive personality disorder, and dysthymic disorder. I tried to commit suicide nearly 11 years ago (actually 5 May will be exactly 11 years) and am happy to say that while I think about dying - or rather not living on a semi-regular basis - I have no desire to actually kill myself - as I don't want to die. Does any one else get that? - The feeling that you don't want to live - but you don't want to die? People who don't suffer from depression don't seem to get what that means...

Anyway - I've been on and off of meds and in and out of therapy so many times, and I am done with both. But I am suffering so much right now, and I just don't know what to do. I can't seem to find the good in anything. I can't find the positives that I know must be there. I just continue to perseverate on all the negatives - all the ways in which I am not living up to what I thought I would be. It's been like this for about 2 years - though it comes in waves - each one is deeper and never breaks the surface on the way back up. Nothing is right - and everything is wrong. And no matter how how hard I try to see my way out of that thinking I can't see clear to the other side.

I don't know why I am here ...

 

[Retired]

Butterfly,

Thanks for posting and sharing your story.

I can only imagine how May 5 must be a difficult anniversary for you to remember. Are you becoming OK with it after these 11 years?

Would you elaborate as to why you are not taking medication any longer?

Hope you find the help and support you might want here on Psychlinks.

 

[Halo]

Welcome to Psychlinks Butterfly :welcome2:

I think that you have definitely come to the right place for information and support. I too wonder why you have chosen to take a path that includes no medication or therapy as I personally have felt both have helped my life a lot although I will admit they are not a cure but they make life a little more manageable.

I really hope that I see you around the forum :wave:

 

[Lana]

Welcome back to Psychlinks, Butterfly :hello:

I really like your name. I've always had a fascination when it came to butterflies and felt that one of the best parts about them is how they change and develop.

We're not so different from them and sometimes certain events shape us, our growth, and our thoughts. Did something happen recently to bring on the funk you seem to be in?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Welcome, butterfly.

 

[ladylore]

Welcome back Butterfly .

Regarding the suicide I personally held suicide as a choice for most of my life. Like you, most of the time I really didn't want to die. I wanted to go to sleep and hoped when I woke up everything would be feel better. It was more about wanting the pain to stop then anything else.

I am happy to say I gave up that choice almost a year ago.

And like you I gave up on therapy for many years as it seemed to make things worse. Fortunately I went back a little over a year ago and went more into the more experiencial therapies (art therapy for one) and it really has helped.

If you do plan on going back it may help to interview them first before you get into anything. Trust can be hard to build but it is worth it when you let someone in even a bit.

So glad you came back. If you want you are also welcome to join in a discussion or two.

 

[Into The Light]

welcome :wave4:

i am glad you have posted. it's hard going through what you are. depression does seem to suck the life out of us, literally.

do you think you might reconsider therapy and medication? maybe try something different than before?

 

[Always Changing]

And no matter how how hard I try to see my way out of that thinking I can't see clear to the other side

There are many different types of Therapy, it may be that you have not yet found the right type or the right person to help with this.

Psychotherapy: An overview of the types of therapy

this is a list and description of the various types available, I hope you find it useful.

I am sorry you are feeling like this, I hope you can find some help soon.

 

[butterfly88]

Hi all -

Thanks for the comments and the support. To answer some of your questions -

I've been struggling with depression since adolescence (I'm nearly 37 now) and have been on and off meds since 1991. I stopped the last time in 2005 because, while many had been some-what effective in reducing the symptoms - I feel that that's all they were doing - reducing symptoms and not addressing the underlying problems. And add to that the nasty side effects and the lack of long-term efficacy - I just gave up on them. And so often I found the psychiatrists were adding and changing meds and /or re-diagnosing me according to the effects of the meds, and it got to be too much for me.

As for therapy - I've been in and out of therapy since 1985. And while I can't say that all had been ineffective - so many of the therapists really were terrible. But some were amazing, too! The one I had when I was released as an out patient after my suicide attempt was a God-send. But the real reason I am not in therapy is probably part of some psychological disorder that some psychiatrist somewhere would be more than happy to diagnose me with- therapists leave you. I know that's the ultimate goal - but all the best ones I have had left me before I was ready - for one reason or another, retirement, relocation etc. And that hurts. Every one leaves me. And opening myself up and sharing the most personal and intimate details of my life with someone who is going to leave me is not something I can or even want to do.

As for the recent events that may have precipitated this most recent spiral downward - In Sept. 2006 my (ex) fiance, with whom I lived for 10 years and whose autistic son I raised for all those years, cheated on me - so I ended the relationship. It was difficult - bordering on devastating. (I don't miss him - but I miss his son more than life itself). But while I was in the midst of it, I managed to get my Master's Degree (in applied behavior analysis) and then took the boards and passed and am now a Board Certified Behavior Analysts. So - I accomplished difficult things and yet managed, at best a smile. But I can't blame this episode on the break-up - as I suffered from depression before, during and after our relationship. It's just a life-long thing that I can't seem to fix.

And I can't take it anymore...

 

[Lana]

Hi Butterfly;

Congratulations on your Masters! You have come such a long way. And you know that the best of roads can get bumpy. Is there any way you can arrange to spend some time with the boy? I would think that seeing you would be good for him also and offer him some continuity. Is that at all a possibility?

 

[butterfly88]

Hi Lana -

After his father and I split I managed to see my step-son a few times. But it was too hard, too sad - for me. And confusing for him. I've been battling with this decision - just never certain as to what the right decision is - for him or me. I miss him more than I thought it was possible to miss anyone. Not one single day goes by without me thinking about him and my heart breaks a little more every day. I'm afraid it will never be whole again. It's just the worst feeling in the world to raise a child and lose him. If I were his birth mother people would perhaps be a little more understanding. But I was just his step-mother and people react as if I am not entitled to grieve. But I raised him since he was 1 year old. I was the one who made the decision to get him evaluated for autism. I was the one who walked the floors with him night after night when he went through a non-sleeping phase. I am the one who took him to the doctor when he was sick. I am the one who went to school to learn as much as I could about autism and then worked with him hour upon hour - day after day, week after week - and year after year to help him. I'm the one who wrote his behavior intervention plans to be implemented at home and school. I am the one who went to the meetings at the schools with teachers who always wanted to give up on him. I never gave up on him ... and now (well I don't know exactly what his level of functioning is now as I haven't seen him in over a year) but when we split he was fully included in school and other than social and some behavioral challenges and delays in speech - he was relatively indistinguishable from his typical peers. He was my boy. I love him - and I will love him until the day I die. But I can't see him

 

[Lana]

Separations are always hard on everyone involved, even people that initiate them. I can understand the difficult emotions that you experience when you visit your boy, and his confusion also. However, this is where you have to weigh the discomfort and even confusion (both of which are temporary) of seeing him and being in his life, even at a distance versus not seeing him at all, him not seeing you at all, ever, and both of you suffering.

You are the only mother he's ever known or had. You raised him since he was an infant. I think, and I could be wrong, that the grief and discomfort you feel during your initial visits would eventually morph into acceptance of how things are and growth for both of you. More importantly, both of you would be able to share and express the love that you obviously have for one another. Not to mention, he'd have you in his life and you him. I think he's worth a try. What do you think?

 

[butterfly88]

Oh no Lana - I think I've mis-represented the dynamics of our family - "J" did/does have a mother. She was not as active in his life when he was very young and very autistic (e.g., engaging in aberrant responses, not talking). But as "J" got older and made progress she began to assert her parental control. Her and I managed to work out a "relationship" for the best interest of "J," but it was always my responsibility to deal with all the autism-related issues and problems. I also picked him up from school, took him to doctors, read him his bed-time story (though sometimes his father won out and got that honor), etc.

I understand what you say about maintaining a relationship with him - and that the pain initially experienced might abate - however, I just don't think I can bring myself to do it. His father has already moved on with another woman - and "J" - in all is autistic glory - doesn't understand that I don't want to / can't hear about all the time he and his daddy are spending with her (that was the bulk of the conversation that very last time I spoke with him). Perhaps you think that is selfish of me - but I need to protect myself - and sometimes ignorance is bliss. I like to tell myself that one day - when I am stronger and feel more in control of my life and am not so disgusted with myself and my station in life - that I can reach out to him. But I am just not able to do it now.

So I try not to acknowledge how much I miss him - cos saying so only serves to show me what I've lost. SO - even though there is something everyday that brings him to mind - I try not to dwell or I lose it completely. Time heals all wounds, right?

 

[Lana]

Ahh, ok..that' makes more sense. I don't think you're selfish at all. I'd call it self-preservation and given the scenario, I'd probably do the same thing. But for what it's worth, I think what you're demonstrating here is incredible strength to make such choices and wisdom in knowing yourself and your limits. All of those are very admirable. And I agree, one day when you're able, you'll do what you feel you need to do.

I wonder if maybe your torment is a inability to forgive yourself for making the choice that you did? Sometimes, lack of forgiveness to ourselves is what keeps the wound open. "What if I did this...What if I did that...I should have done that...I could have done this..I"m so selfish...I'm so blah blah blah" Forgiving self means saying "I made the best choice for me and, unfortunately, there were less desirable consequences."

What if you were to write about him to yourself? Would that help diffuse the intensity of missing him? Sort of like a journal but more biographical one. "Once upon a time we went to the..." I don't know...document all the wonderful things about him. Would such recall hurt more or do you think it may help?

 

[butterfly88]

Hi again Lana,

I actually started a running "letter" to him - one that I write in a journal but will never send. I can't say for certain if it is cathartic - I always end up hysterical crying as I write it. But I imagine that somehow some way he'll know that I still love him and think about him. I am a song writer and have tried writing a song for/about him - but the pain is always too great and I end up abandoning it. I am certain that when I am stronger I'll write it.

As for forgiving myself - that's a tough one to figure out. I question myself and my decisions - especially the one to stay with his father for so many years in spite of the fact that he was mean, emotionally abusive and controlling. That part scares me more than anything. I know I stayed for "J" - as he needed me as much as I needed him - but basing a decade on that leaves me wondering if I didn't make a very bad choice with disastrous consequences.

And being terribly alone doesn't help...

 

[Lana]

Sometimes, having a good cry can be cathartic. And, of course, you know best if and when you can handle that type of self-therapy. For me, personally, it's a bit like being on thin ice: I never know when the grief will swallow me whole and I'll never be able to get back to myself. I know you will write what's within when you're stronger.

I was always terrible at ending relationships, even toxic ones. Often, when the end comes (and it always came), part of my self-loathing involved "why did I stay so long? why didn't I leave when <fill in the blank>? I'm such a <fill in the blank with something not-so-nice" and so on. I'd "beat" myself over that over and over and quite viciously. And in the back of my head I'd think that somehow, I deserved it.

Years later, I think I am closer to understanding why I did all that. I grew up in an abusive environment and there really was no place to hide or run. It sounds sad, but I guess I learned to stick around, suck it up, and take it. There really wasn't another option. I learned to tolerate the badness and live with it. So in a way, it was "home". I stuck around and did same things that I did as a child: I kept quiet, I did everything to my best abilities, I spoke kind words, I had all the excuses in the world for the other person, and all the reasons where I denied myself. I basically tip-toed around as if on eggshells and thought that as long as I don't mess up, everything will be ok.

Also, because of the environment I grew up in, it was very difficult, if not impossible, for me to accept that sometimes it wasn't me. That it really was them. Even with all the evidence pointing to the contrary, I'd still poke and find some reason why it's my fault, that I messed up, that I was the fool, that somehow I deserved it, that I got that because I stayed.

To end my ramble...forgiveness aluded me for a long time. But you know....holding on to the what-if's and yeah-but's is like holding on to red-hot ambers...they only hurt you more while giving all the strength and power to those that hurt you. It was not until I understood why I behaved the way I did that I was able to accept myself and my actions with empathy and compassion rather then loathing. And then I really didn't want to give power to anyone but me. So, I took it back.

 

[butterfly88]

I love your rambles!