I don't want to feel this way anymore.

[mmg]

Hello everyone.

I stumbled across this great site and I'm hoping someone can help me. I'm a 25 year old female and lately I've been feeling extremely apathetic, depressed, hopeless, insecure, vulnerable and sometimes even enraged for no reason.
Some background: I had a traumatic childhood. My parents were very young, and addicted to drugs and alcohol. They split when my mother attempted to take my father's life (I was seven). My sister and I were sent from relative to relative until finally moving in permanently with my aunt, uncle and cousins. While there, I was physically and sexually abused. I left home at 16, and I've done pretty well for myself. I finished high school, am currently in college, make a decent living, and am involved with a wonderful man who I hope to marry.

This depression has troubled me before, but it seems like I'm less able to cope with it now. It seems more overwhelming. It's affecting my work, school, relationships--it's even getting to the point where I don't want to get out of bed because I feel there's nothing to look forward to. I know a lot of my issues stem from my childhood, and I try to keep that in perspective---it just doesn't make me feel any better.
My jealousy and insecurities have begun poisoning my relationship. I completely trust my boyfriend and am not threatened by women when we go out. But, I go absolutely berserk picturing him with women he's been with before (YEARS ago) I know it's stupid that it bothers me. He's 36 and more sexually experienced...and I've been punishing him for his past.
Please help. I just want to feel better.

 

[ThatLady]

Sounds like you could use a few sessions with a therapist, hon. With the kind of background you have, you're dragging a lot of baggage around. It's almost impossible to deal with all that alone. You need the help of a professional to learn the best ways of coping with your particular problems.

 

[Suzette]

Hi mmg,

How courageous of you to post. Not only because what you wrote, but because you are trying to find your way through this, asking help to see what is best for you.

I am not really surprised that things get tougher to deal with at your age. I see more people between 24 to 30 getting serious struggles with things from their past they have not been able to cope with. For me it also started at 26. And with the past you have, who would be surprised... It is absolutely amazing that you did and do so well after you left when you were 16.

I agree with ThatLady that professional help is perhaps a very good thing to consider. Who knows... you might have needed those 9 years to work your way out of the misery and that it is time now to work on it. And those troubles you have with your boyfriend might all be the symptoms of unresolved issues. You get all kinds of things from that.

Does this make sense to you...?

 

[mmg]

Thanks to all for your kind words of encouragement.

Suzette~yes, it makes perfect sense to me. I am online now looking for psychologists in my area. Thank-you again for your help.

mmg

 

[John]

are you are remembering the past, and thinking thats who you are, and so, not accepting all the things you have now, like you dont deserve them..The jealousy, not for present, but past, ?