I feel lost

[defect]

Hi. I fear that the love of my life has had enough and that he is leaving me for the last time. I have been difficult to trust, because I tend to not remember the embarrassing and less than savoury parts of my past, I assume in some attempt of ignoring parts of myself I have not dealt with. I tend to twist the truths of my past in an attempt to save face.

Long story short, I am taking steps to better myself and heal myself. I have not been able to gain his trust back and he has had enough. I don't know how to cope with the very probable reality that I am not only going to lose the man I am in love with, who I love more than I have ever loved another, who has shown me that the true and real me is worth being, but also my best friend and very much my whole heart and my whole world.

I don't have coping skills for this at all, and in the past when I am feeling devastated and an emotional wreck like this, I tend to do self destructive things, and isolate myself completely. I don't think I can survive the kind of depression I fear that is in my future, and I don't have a healthy support system.

I don't know what to do. I feel totally lost and I truly fear that I will lose the best influence my life has ever had. I am having a lot of negative self talk about it and I don't know how to stop it.

I feel desperate. I don't know what to do and I fear myself.

 

[JennyS]

Re: i feel lost

The true and real you is worth being.
You are capable of developing a support system, your post here shows that.

You can and will be ok through this, no matter what direction it takes.
What seems unacceptable today may shift tomorrow.

 

[Retired]

Defect,

You seem to be aware of the issues that seem to have driven you apart, so why not resolve to take the necessary steps, through therapy perhaps, to modify these behaviours in order to preserve the relationship?

Have you considered engaging a couples counselor who can work with both of you, who can propose a plan acceptable to both of you to save your relationship?

If this relationship is as important to you as you have described, it would seem worth doing whatever is necessary to save it, as long as your partner is willing to join in and support your efforts.

 

[defect]

I do want to save this relationship, my partner feels that he has done everything he can. He is not willing to come together to try to make this relationship work, because he just does not trust me. He can't be with me or anywhere around me unless he trusts me, plain and simple. I don't know how to show him that I am trustworthy, if he is not willing to be anywhere near me or have a relationship with me. It's a catch 22.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

If you can't show him you are trustworthy, then show yourself that you are. When, someday, you are well enough to have a good relationship again, and you've taken care of all your insecurities and loved yourself first... Then you won't have to do all the work for someone else, you'll have done it for you, and that means everyone else in your life, too.

Hope this doesn't sound too sanctimonious, it was meant to help....

 

[Retired]

If you can't show him you are trustworthy, then show yourself that you are.

This makes sense to me, Defect. Tell your partner that you intend to do what is necessary to modify your behaviours, and that if he feels he needs to get away, then do what you have to do and get your life back under control.

Tell him that you would like to get together again in six months, to demonstrate the progress you have made. If he loves you and is truly interested in the relationship, this proposition should appeal to him.

You will have accomplished two goals:

1. You will have given yourself the opportunity to get your life under control
2. You will know how serious your partner is about your relationship

 

[defect]

He is done with me.

---------- Post added at 04:54 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:26 PM ----------

How does one go about being able to see themselves as they really are, as they really behave, instead of from inside, and completely self-centered and self-absorbed? How does one go about fixing the issues they have if they are too blind and too ignorant to see their own weaknesses?

---------- Post added at 05:48 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:54 PM ----------

I kept denying the truth, I kept lying about stupid things, and he lost all possibility of trusting me ever again.

 

[Daffodil]

Have you considered therapy? Therepy does not work overnight, but it can help your brain change over time. The thing is, therapists (if you get a good one) are brutally honest, and they won't lie to you about what they see inside of you.
Read Dr. Baxter's post on How Therapy Works as well.

So sorry you are going through this. I know how it feels, it's a universal feeling. However, do not rely on anyone for your own wellbeing. You can take care of you.