Heather
Member
I have come to a dead end of late, one of my good friends has picked it up, she said that even though I have been there to listen to her problems the same as I always have been she said I can notice something is not right!
She is correct something is not right!
She asked me 'I mean are you contemplating suicide?' and I vomited! (lucky for me this was on msn -- so she doesn't know).
I don't know, I keep having these thoughts and dreams, right these 2 people have hurt me so badly and I keep having thoughts of sending them letters telling them that they were the cause of my death and you know the rest.
The awful thing is that I have the means and in these thoughts and dreams that is what I use.
I don't often feel my depression, but right now it is really bad, and I don't want to be like this anymore.
Of course I told my friend no way I was not thinking of suicide at all, but I dunno how truthful that is! I was busting to scream YES! But I contained myself!!!
I am not usually the type of person to be cruel enough to do what I said re: the letters, but in this case it would be true, and I have the urge. Originally I wanted to show them that no matter what they did they were not going to beat me! But I have so much else going on and am seeing specialists atm as I am in severe pain daily, plus they think there may be problems with my brain, so these are contributing factors as well, but I can cope with those issues or the others but both, ouch! I am even having trouble breathing right now, especially whilst typing this. I am wondering whether I should even send it etc...
I am so so scared.
I know I should go and see the counsellor I was seeing before but I haven't been to her for months and months and I don't want to go back because last time I saw her I was doing so well, I don't want to go to her now with all my broken pieces and my dr is away until Feb, she is the only one I feel like going to.
I guess I shouldn't have taken myself off all meds (went cold turkey -- and none of them know yet and this was months ago)...
Heather...
P.S. Sorry to be a burdeon but this is the only place I am being honest about this I don't wish anyone in my life to know this stuff! Once again I have made everyone think that I am perfectly fine! Sigh! There is nothing wrong with me!
She is correct something is not right!
She asked me 'I mean are you contemplating suicide?' and I vomited! (lucky for me this was on msn -- so she doesn't know).
I don't know, I keep having these thoughts and dreams, right these 2 people have hurt me so badly and I keep having thoughts of sending them letters telling them that they were the cause of my death and you know the rest.
The awful thing is that I have the means and in these thoughts and dreams that is what I use.
I don't often feel my depression, but right now it is really bad, and I don't want to be like this anymore.
Of course I told my friend no way I was not thinking of suicide at all, but I dunno how truthful that is! I was busting to scream YES! But I contained myself!!!
I am not usually the type of person to be cruel enough to do what I said re: the letters, but in this case it would be true, and I have the urge. Originally I wanted to show them that no matter what they did they were not going to beat me! But I have so much else going on and am seeing specialists atm as I am in severe pain daily, plus they think there may be problems with my brain, so these are contributing factors as well, but I can cope with those issues or the others but both, ouch! I am even having trouble breathing right now, especially whilst typing this. I am wondering whether I should even send it etc...
I am so so scared.
I know I should go and see the counsellor I was seeing before but I haven't been to her for months and months and I don't want to go back because last time I saw her I was doing so well, I don't want to go to her now with all my broken pieces and my dr is away until Feb, she is the only one I feel like going to.
I guess I shouldn't have taken myself off all meds (went cold turkey -- and none of them know yet and this was months ago)...
Heather...
P.S. Sorry to be a burdeon but this is the only place I am being honest about this I don't wish anyone in my life to know this stuff! Once again I have made everyone think that I am perfectly fine! Sigh! There is nothing wrong with me!