I haven't been here in a long time, but here I am again

[Auburn]

I have done so well, I can go months without and episode, and then it jumps up to bite me in the ass. At least tonite I am aware of the trigger, but sadly, I couldn't stop it. I get so frustrated and angry. And the overwhelming sadness is numbing. I think that at least the typing is giving me a focus, but I really am afraid to go to sleep. Closing my eyes is not a good thing tonite.
Sorry to just barge in and unload, but I can't seem to manage tonite on my own.

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

Hi Auburn, I'm just about to head off to work, but I do know that within the hour there will be several people here to chat with.
What are these episodes that you are afraid of? I noticed that you posted around 2 in the morning my time, so I hope you are ok, and look forward to hearing more about you.
:hug:

 

[Halo]

Hi Auburn and welcome back.

Please do not feel sorry for barging in and unloading as that is what this forum is for and there are many of us that do the same thing. Come here when we need support and can't manage things on our own. Nothing to feel sorry about by reaching out for help.

I too wonder if you know what is causing you to be afraid? Has something happened recently that has brought these feelings back up?

 

[ThatLady]

Ish! Sorry nobody was here, Auburn, but welcome back! I hope you'll stop in to let us know what's going on with you and what you feel triggered your "episode". I'm assuming you had a panic attack, or severe anxiety of some kind.

Thinking of you and wishing you well. :hug:

 

[Auburn]

Thank you to everyone who replied. I know I was rambling, sorry bout that. I am holding my own today, but so weepy and tired. See, the anniversary of my father in laws death is coming next week. It has been a long two years since it happened. My father in law was bi polar and we were trying to get him into the hospital that day. He took his own life standing within arms reach of me, looking right at me. My husband was standing behind him and held him as he died. We were both covered in blood, and it was a TV show that triggered it last nite. I couldn't stop the flashbacks. This is the worst grip it has had in a few months, but it felt like I was drowning. ANd to close my eyes only makes the scene more vivid. That is why I couldn't go to sleep. SOmetimes I just get so angry and frustrated with myself. After that the next 12 months were brutal, added to by the loss of three of my famiy members, including my own Dad. He was an alcoholic which is a whole other story. He and I had a very tough relationship, which seemed to add to my already shaky state.
I just want to thank you all. It didn't matter that there was no one here. Just typing my thoughts helped to shift my focus. It slowed the pictures. I only wish I could say it was over. Sadly I know, it isn't, but for now it is a bit better.
Thank you all so much.

 

[ThatLady]

You've endured some very traumatic events, Auburn. It's not surprising that you find yourself flashing back to those memories when triggered. It must be terrible for you when it happens. :hug:

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better now. Are you in therapy, by chance? Therapy can be very helpful for people who have undergone severe trauma, as you have. Another thing that can help is a support group. Perhaps, there's one in your area. Sharing with others who have had such experiences often helps, not only you but the people with whom you share.

Stay safe and take care, Auburn.

 

[texasgirl]

I am so very sorry to hear about your tragic loss and experiences, Auburn. I can't imagine how hard it must be, but I hope and pray for the very best for you.

 

[Auburn]

Gawd, I hope you all know how much this helps. My friends do their very best, and they are amazing, but it is not an easy thing to understand. I know I didn't until this happened to us. It is so dibilitating. We were in therapy, but not now. I didn't really find the doctor helped. It seemed more helpful when Dave and I talked each other through. But with the anniversary coming, I don't want to dump this on Dave. It is hard enough for him. Talking here helps, and for now that is what I need.

 

[ThatLady]

Gawd, I hope you all know how much this helps. My friends do their very best, and they are amazing, but it is not an easy thing to understand. I know I didn't until this happened to us. It is so dibilitating. We were in therapy, but not now. I didn't really find the doctor helped. It seemed more helpful when Dave and I talked each other through. But with the anniversary coming, I don't want to dump this on Dave. It is hard enough for him. Talking here helps, and for now that is what I need.

How is Dave doing now? I find myself wondering if he's feeling the same way about you that you feel about him - saving each other while sacrificing yourselves. It just might be that he's having similar experiences to yours, but doesn't want to risk hurting you by talking about it.

 

[foghlaim]

Hi Auburn, I'm glad you have been able to talk here and get some support, I find this forum and it's members so caring and understanding. your experiences have been really traumatic.. it may only be a figure of speech on your part,, but 2yrs isn't really all that long when one has witnessed and had tragic losses like you have.

we are here for you .

 

[Auburn]

You could be right, that is something he would do. When it all happened, he used me as a buffer. Worrying about me meant he didn't have to deal with his own emotions. Took him awhile, but then he crashed. I think he thinks it was worse for me just because I was right there in front of his Dad. I tried to take the knife. But, I truly think it was just as bad for us both. No matter what he thinks. I worry about him, but he tries to be such a rock. He is such a good man.

 

[Halo]

Auburn,

I am truly sorry for the loss and the pain that you are going through with the anniversary coming up. I am glad however that you are finding some comfort in being able to open up to us on the forum as we are always here to listen.

Take care and you are in my thoughts.
:hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

I remember you. I was thinking of you the other day and wondering how you were doing. I can't even imagine how hard this is to still be dealing with.

I am so sorry you're having a hard time.

:hug:

 

[just mary]

I just wanted to echo Nancy and Janet, Auburn. I`m sorry you`re going through this right now. :hug:

 

[Auburn]

I just had to once again thank all of you that took the time to reply to my anxious time. This forum never fails to offer an ear and some relief. I can't begin to explain how much it means to me, so I am hoping you all understand. This forum has saved my sanity several times now, and for that I will always be grateful. I can't promise to come by everyday, since I do my best to keep thoughts of this incident at bay, but what I will try to do is drop in more frequently.
Brightest blessings to each and every one of you

Melody:hug:

 

[Halo]

Auburn,

That is what I think is great about this forum is that we are always here for people when they need it but they have the option to close the window when they don't. Sometimes I see it as having a long distance friendship.....you may not hear from them everyday, you think of them often and wonder how they are doing and when you do hear from them it is a pleasant surprise that brightens your day.

Whenever you can pop on is great and we always love to hear from you.
Take care
:hug:

 

[Into The Light]

hello auburn, we haven't met on the forum before but i just wanted to say welcome back i am glad the forum helps when things get a bit too much to deal with. we're always here for you. i don't know what to say about what has happened to you, it definitely is a traumatic experience and for that i am sorry. life can deal some pretty hard blows sometimes. but we are all human beings and we are all strong enough to survive, as difficult as things can get. we just need to lean on one another. anyway i know i can't say much to take away from what you are going through, but i just wanted to offer my support as well. :hug:

 

[Auburn]

Nancy, Ladybug.........thanks! And people such as yourselves are the reason I do come here when I am having a difficult time. The sheer understanding and compassion is amazing. But the most important thing for me is that I never feel alone here. I know you all understand what I am going thru. That in itself helps. Love to you all! Right from the bottom of my heart

Melody